How to Save a Life
by ShesGotMoxie
Summary: Six years after Edward left in NM, Bella is an editor/teacher in Long Beach, NJ. When a very familiar doctor turns up in town, can she stay professional, or will she get caught up in old ties and secrets? CAUTION: Lots of tears, drama, and angst!
1. Waiting

**Hello. This is my very first fanfic, but I'm really excited about it because I think it's got a good plot and I write pretty well. If you're thinking that this is boring then don't bother, but I would really appreciate it if you gave my story a chance. I don't want to say it's a lot better than it sounds, because everyone does, but it really is. This picks up from mid-New Moon; this is the where I would've taken the saga although Stephenie's done a spectacular job (far better than me). **

**Remember when Bella approached the ledge of the cliff and jumped into the water? Well, rewind a bit and that's where my story comes in. What if Bella hadn't jumped and Jacob never saved her? What if Alice hadn't come and Rosalie hadn't called Edward? And what if Edward never came back? Now Bella is a journalist working for the very prestigious _New Republic _in Long Beach, New Jersey.**

**If you read along, and you honestly don't like it? And you want to print it out and rip it into peices, or pour sulfuric acid over it just to show how much you don't like it? I'm okay with that. I wouldn't mind, and I don't want you wasting your time if you're not getting anything out of it. But it you do like it, then please stick with me. I may not update every week, or even every month, but the chapters are long enough to keep you satisfied, and most importantly, it's just a really good story.**

**P. S. Below I put a sample of a song that really embodies the essence of this first chapter.**

* * *

"…_I've said goodbye so many times in my life_

_I'm surprised it's still so hard for me_

_to see that I should start living my life_

_or I will die unfulfilled and empty_

_I come to, still in the chair _

_as yellow angels step with care _

_My spinal cord's still sending shocks_

_but my life's in need of repair…"_

_SENSES FAIL - YELLOW ANGELS_

* * *

**1. WAITING**

My gaze flickered to the digital clock mounted atop my computer screen for the umpteenth time in the past two hours.

_Just five more minutes._

I wouldn't have thought it possible, but everyday in this cramped cubicle seemed more monotonous than the last. Walk through the large, glass office doors at 6 am on the dot, check in with my irritating boss, Mr. Newman, and give Christine, the intern I was training, something to keep her busy. Then the rest of the morning was spent filing reports, running errands, and playing internet chess, waiting for 3:00 so I could leave. This was about as exciting as it got, with the exception of attending press meetings every now and then.

I glanced at the clock for the last time. _Finally._

I slid all my papers into my briefcase, threw on my jacket and breezed down the hallway.

"Leaving so soon?" asked Mr. Newman as I passed his office. "A word in my office, Miss Swan?"

I stopped and slowly spun around, making my way back to his office. I stood in his doorway with my arms crossed, bag swinging against my hip.

"Afternoon, Mr. Newman.", I said a bit warily.

"Don't bother with the formalities. Sit down, have a drink with me." He moved to pour me a glass from the large bottle of bourbon on his desk. Only the finest, of course.

"I have other responsibilities to attend to, Mr. Newman," I hinted. "I really think I should be going now."

"Bella, it's fine to just call me Mark. We're just friends having a conversation." He paused. "You know, you really should take a day off sometime, relax."

I smiled stiffly. "Thanks, but that doesn't do me much good now that my shift is over."

He laughed, saying, "It's the thought that counts, right?"

"Have a nice day, _Mark_," I threw over my shoulder as I walked out of his office. Today, I was especially not in the mood for his advances on me, and I really did have other commitments that required my attention.

On weekday afternoons after work, I went straight from the office to St. Jude's Children's Hospital. There, I did volunteer work with the little kids until about 7 pm. I checked in with the receptionist at the front desk, then made my way to the staff lounge bathroom, where I changed into the required hospital scrub shirt and pants. After putting my hair in a ponytail, I pulled on the biodegradable latex-free gloves and pushed open the door to the recreation center.

My eyes swept across the playroom, taking in the scene. Here all the kids came from their rooms in wheelchairs, hooked to IV drips, or even on gurneys sometimes. It felt so good to know that I played a part in helping these children forget why they were in a hospital in the first place. Even if it was only temporary, these kids deserved every bit of happiness possible, since many of them only had a couple more years at the most. The other volunteers and I joined the kids in fun activities like coloring pictures, racing little toy cars, watching TV, or just singing along to music together. It barely felt like work except for the constant level of enthusiasm you had to keep up. I loved all of the kids so much and sometimes, this was the only place where I really felt like I belonged.

I was snapped out of my thoughts by a gentle tugging on my pant leg. I looked down to see my favorite of all the children, Angel.

Angel was an adorable six year old girl with wispy, golden hair and the biggest, most innocent ice blue eyes I'd ever seen. She was beautiful and for some unknown reason it was her that I'd connected with so strongly, almost immediately after I met her at the age of five.

But there was more.

Angel was _so _perceptive; it was almost scary for such a small child to be able to see so much, but then, she'd been through so much in her life already, that I guess it was nothing to her by now. Angel was a foster child. She'd been diagnosed with rhabdomyosarcoma about six months ago. The five tumors in her face and neck were actually found some time before that, but were declared benign. It was only discovered much later, during one of her regular check-ups with her foster parents, that the tumors had turned cancerous. She'd been here ever since.

She was such a strong little girl, but not at all oblivious to the fact that her life had been drastically and unfairly shortened. In her worst moods, she'd be down, mute and morose. On those days, it was most difficult for me to face Angel because her zombie-like state brought unpleasant flickers of the past up from the depths of my mind, right up to linger behind my eyes. But I stayed, talking to her, even though she never spoke back, preferring to gaze into my eyes with alarming calm. I'd sit by the bedside, stroke her hand, and pour my heart out to the silence. Angel knew things about me that I'd never told anyone before. She even knew about….him. That had been a particularly emotional day. I just sat down and told her everything, talking through the tears and pain until I was reduced to sobs, and she lay there, petting my hair, shushing me and saying everything was going to be alright.

Luckily, today she seemed happy, her eyes bright and shining when I looked down at her, smiling.

"Can we color today?" she rasped quietly, still a bit drowsy from her nap. I nodded and smiled, taking her hand and leading the way to the coloring table. I didn't mind spending time with her in the least; actually I loved it. Angel was my best friend.

We sat down and started coloring a printed picture. It showed a girl picking flowers in her garden, the sun on her back. We sat in silence for a while, allowing me to think back as far as the pain was manageable.

"Bella, why are you always so sad?" Angel asked. My head snapped up and I came back to the present to find her looking up at me, frowning in concern.

"I'm not sad, Angel."

"Yes you are." She continued, coloring again, "I can tell, even when you try to be happy. What's making you so sad?"

I sighed. "Angel…." I began.

She looked up at me. "You don't have to tell me what's wrong. Sometimes I get sad and I don't know why." She went back to her picture.

My eyes blurred. "Thanks, Angel." My voice cracked, but I smiled gratefully at her for understanding. She hopped down from her seat, walked around the table, and threw her little arms around my neck. I wrapped my own arms around her, squeezing tight. We didn't need words to express our feelings.

****************

As the credits rolled for the Stuart Little movie we had just watched, I noticed that Angel had fallen asleep in my arms. I guess I'd gotten more into the movie than I thought I would. I stood, Angel in my arms, to turn off the TV and headed back to Angel's room.

I propped the door open with my free hand, maneuvering a wedge under it with my foot. My balance had noticeably increased over the years. Walking to the bed, I pulled back the covers and gently laid her on the bed, pausing when her eyes fluttered. They opened halfway and she slowly reached her arms out to me. I leaned in to crush her to my body, her tiny hot hands gripping my neck. When I tried to lean back out of the hug, she held fast, pulling herself to my ear with surprising strength.

She whispered, "Don't worry, Bella." I froze. "He's coming back for you."

Then she dropped lightly into the pillow, placed her hands under her head, and nodded off. I don't know how long I stood there, still bent over from the hug, her words echoing in my head. Eventually, I came to my senses, my mind still distant, unaware of the tears streaming down my cheeks.

"Night, Angel." I whispered almost inaudibly, kissing her cheek. I turned off the lights, clicked her nightlight on, and kept the door open a few inches, just the way she liked it. Putting my keys in the ignition, I had no recollection of how I got out of the hospital and into my car. I was numb.

I pulled into the driveway of my condo and stepped out of the car, slamming the door. I jumped at the two quick beeps that sounded when the doors locked, and then turned to face the night. The cold, biting wind whipped my hair into my face as I briskly walked to the door, arms crossed over my front in a tight huddle.

Why I'd chosen to live here, of all places, was something I'd never be able to explain. After all, Long Beach really was a very cold city. Long Beach, _New Jersey_, that is. After _he_ left, I stubbornly stayed in Forks, refusing vehemently when my father Charlie - threatened to send me back to Jacksonville with my mother Renee. However, by the end of senior year, it was only too obvious that waiting for something that would never happen wasn't healthy and the hurt had only gotten worse. I spent the following summer scouting out apartments and condominiums, keeping in a close but unattached range from Forks. Somehow, though I hadn't planned it that way, I ended up across the country from the town where my most cherished memories had taken place.

I shivered, closing the door behind me. Again, I couldn't quite recall how I'd gotten inside. Trying to gather my thoughts, I slowly made my way towards the bedroom, slightly disoriented. It was only after I hung up my blazer, placed my strap-on heels on the closet shelf, and shut the door that Angel's words really hit me.

I stumbled back to the bed, grateful that I was already in my room, because it seemed that I wouldn't be getting up for a while. My arms reached blindly for the bed posts but I didn't quite make it, falling with my arms outstretched. I didn't bother trying to get back up.

My breath came in quick, sharp gasps, chest heaving up and down. Tears blurred my vision as I curled into a fetal position there on the floor. It wasn't long before the sobs came, each one ripping through me like an earthquake. I clutched at my sides and squeezed my eyes shut in futile resistance against the onslaught of memories from a time that seemed so long ago. My entire body tensed, bracing for impact. Inevitable, the images started flashing through my mind one by one as my fists clenched and I gritted my teeth.

_I gazed up into his amber eyes as we glided across the freshly polished gym floors. "Now, is this so bad, Bella?" he breathed._

My stomach lurched.

_His cool, intoxicating breath washed over my face as he drew me closer._

I exhaled a sharp, jagged breath, already desperate for it to stop.

_Fireworks exploded behind my eyes as our lips met in a kiss as passionate as the first._

I let out a broken cry of agony as this last scene appeared. The partially scabbed hole in my chest was ripped wide open once again, tearing a fault line in my midsection. I was shaking so violently that I wondered if there really _was_ an earthquake.

The images came fast now, flickering by too quickly for me to comprehend. I pushed my hands against the sides of my head, gasping painfully, but intensely grateful to be free of the flashbacks, if only for a short time. As if time meant anything anymore. In these episodes, seconds and minutes were undistinguishable from hours, days even.

After getting my breathing back to normal, I propped myself up and shakily stood, tightly gripping the nightstand for balance. My hands trailed against the wall as I stumbled into the bathroom. Tripping to the sink, I grabbed the counter to keep myself upright. After splashing water over my face, I pulled open the medicine cabinet and reached for the bottles that held my sleep pills. Popping open the lid, I shook out some pills, not counting, and threw them down, swallowing hard.

As the medication started working, I leaned into the mirror and took a long, hard look. The girl in the reflection had long, stringy brown hair and tired, dull brown eyes that were red with tears; the bags under her eyes and the lines imprinted by sorrow made her look too many years and too many tears older than a twenty-three year old woman should. I stared into her eyes, trying to connect any part of myself to the person in the mirror somehow, anyhow, but I found nothing. She was empty.

I sighed and trudged back into my bedroom. After flicking the light switch off, I climbed into the covers and clicked on the lamp at my bedside.

Six years. Six years and _still_ I was as weak as the first day. I hated that after all this time, just an idle thought reminding me of him could reduce me to tears. I hated that I couldn't just get over it and move on with my life. I hated that I still so obviously loved him, wanted him back with every molecule of my being, but mostly, I hated myself for being able to blame Angel for tonight. It was true that I hadn't gone a single night without crying for some length, but this night had been extremely unbearable, the worst that I'd had for such a long time. It hadn't been this bad in Forks, or not even the night I told Angel about him. And I couldn't help but wonder what in the world she had meant by what she said, but still, this was not her fault. My moods were completely unpredictable, so I savored the good ones because there were so few of them. At the best, I could look back and almost be grateful for all the time he had given me in the end. I didn't deserve the beautiful angel who had come down to meet me, so how could I hate him for leaving? I knew it was too good to last forever. I had always known that.

The tears started coming again, but I was calm this time. I lay, remembering, waiting for the drugs to fully kick in. As my eyelids drooped, I had one last thought as I drifted into a restless sleep.

_Thank god for Nyquil._

* * *

**Sooo... what did you think? I know you're thinking who is Angel and where is Edward?! I know, I know. Angel was just the brainchild of lots of caffeine and random brainstorming, but after I got the idea, I fell in love with her and I hope you will too. And as for Edward...well I'll just come right out and say it, he's in the next chapter.**

**Please, please, please review! It means so much to me as a writer. It makes my job easier, and your reading experience more pleasant, so please don't hesitate if you have something to say, whether good or bad.**

**Thanks for reading!**

**Anita.**


	2. Hey You

**2. HEY YOU**

Shooting upright in bed, I gasped, startled out of sleep by the loud ringing of my alarm clock. My heart pounded erratically, my legs were tangled in the bed sheets, and I was covered in sweat. Despite the Nyquil, my nightmares were the most vivid I'd had in _years. _Never had every sound and image come with such painful clarity. I wondered why as I reached to hit the snooze button, only pausing to check the time.

6:45

_Shit._

I threw off the covers and jumped out of bed, gracefully stubbing my toe on the nightstand. I grabbed my foot with one hand, hopped to the bathroom and pushed the door open. I rushed in and out of the shower, hair still wet, not even bothering to look in the mirror. Upon entering my closet, I dropped the towel, slipping into a black pencil skirt and a pinstriped button-down, conservative as always.

Rushing back into the bathroom, I pulled my semi-dry hair back in a tight bun. As I made for the door, my right foot landed in a small puddle of water and I went down, taking half of the objects on the counter with me as my hands frantically scrambled for something to hold on to.

I hit the floor with a loud thud and my arms came up reflexively to cover my head as a shower of combs, hairpins, and skin care products came down, clattering loudly on the floor around me, but never touching me. I sighed in relief and started pushing myself up off the ground. Of course, the large bottle of Herbal Essences Strawberry Shampoo that had been teetering on the edge of the counter chose that moment to fall and club me on the head mercilessly. I swore, caressing the already rising lump on my forehead as I finally stood up without intercepting any other falling projectiles.

I strapped on my favorite black pumps and threw my jacket on. Balancing a slice of toast between my teeth, a cup of coffee in one hand, and my bag over my shoulder, I glanced once more at the oven clock.

7:10

I almost smiled. This had to be a record. I was ready to leave for work in twenty-five minutes; points off for injuring myself three times before the day had started, but this was still an achievement. .

Remembering that I was still severely late, I yanked the door open and rushed to my car, fumbling with the keys. I climbed in and started the engine, shivering from the cold air. As I whipped out of the driveway, I caught my reflection in the rearview mirror and sighed. The woman from last night still stared back at me, only different because of the slight flush in her cheeks.

I pulled into the staff parking lot of the Jersey _New Republic _publication offices and grabbed my usual spot. When I got inside the building, I had to make a run for the elevator. The woman formerly occupying it stepped out and the doors slowly started closing. I threw my bag between them just in time and entered when the doors reopened. Impatiently pushing the button for the tenth floor, I stepped back and rested my head against the wall. The cool metal surface was heaven under my cheek. I flipped my wrist to check the time.

7:30

My head snapped up as the elevator bell dinged. It seemed the doors were opening so slowly now that I was dying to get out, instead of before when they closed quickly as I tried to get in. After almost having to pry them open myself, I flew down the hallway to my office. Taking off my jacket and setting down my briefcase, I plopped into my wheelie chair, and spun to face the computer, slightly out of breath.

After a couple of minutes, I decided that it was safe to go for a drink. Stepping out of my office, I walked to the plastic water jug and filled the Styrofoam cup halfway. It was funny how the water jug was always depicted as where office workers would come to have a drink and tell dirty jokes in shows on television. Funny, because there were no laughs had here. At least not while _I_ was here.

My hopes that no one would note my absence or arrival diminished as I saw the polished black patent leather Giorgio Armani loafers strutting in my direction.

Crap.

Mr. Newman stopped to admire his reflection in the water jug. "Well, Miss Swan, I'm glad you've decided to grace us with your presence today after all," he noted, the sarcasm in his voice thick like honey. Some staff in nearby cubicles snickered.

I sighed. "Mark, I had a really rough night, and I woke up late and-"

He cut me off. "It's Newman. That may very well be the case, Miss Swan, but it is absolutely unacceptable to come in an hour and a half late. I fire people for less, but it just so happens that I am in one of my better moods. You do realize this is a professional magazine establishment, right?"

"Yes, but – "

"These deadlines aren't going to meet themselves. This is the number one in-flight magazine of Air Force One. Your position here is one that every single last one of your colleagues would not hesitate to take and you'd do well to remember that. This incident will not repeat itself, are we clear?"

Anger flashed behind my eyes. "_Crystal_," I snapped. He blinked twice. Recovering, he sniffed, adjusted his tie, and walked away.

I swiftly chugged the small cup of water I was still holding and dragged the back of my hand across my mouth. I tossed the disposable into a metal wastebasket, and strode back into my office to sit once again in the comfy chair. Leaning onto the desk, I massaged my temples, taking deep breaths. As I looked up, my eighteen year old intern, Christine, rounded the corner, elbowed the glass doors of my office open and stepped inside.

Shuffling through a green folder, she said, "Hey, Miss Swan? Did you want me to do this whole spread on Renee Zell-". She paused, really looking at me for the first time. "Whoa. You look like crap. Are you okay?" she asked, eyes wide.

Glaring at her in irritation, I said, "Do I _look _okay to you? I am obviously not okay. Make your self useful and staple something."

Christine's face fell and her eyebrows furrowed, the hurt clear in her expression. Turning around, she slowly walked to the door.

I sighed, getting up to follow her. "No. Christine, wait."

I reached out to hold her elbow as she moved to open the door. "Christine, I'm really sorry. That was out of hand and totally uncalled for and I honestly don't know where it came from. It's just been a tough day and I shouldn't have taken it out on you. Truly, you are useful around here, and I don't know how I'd get all my work done without you."

It was true. She was one of the most efficient workers I'd ever had, and she wasn't even getting paid for it. Sometimes I wondered how I'd ever completed anything before she came. Besides, she was the only one I really liked in this place. It was hard to make friends with your colleagues after receiving a promotion to senior editor in a matter of months, while they'd been working years to achieve the same goal. That was something most people in the building only dreamed about rising to, so it was nice to find a friendly face in this sea of jealousy.

I let go of her arm, waiting. There must have been something in my expression because she gave me a sympathetic smile. "It's alright," she said softly.

I exhaled in relief. "Thanks. I really am sorry, Christine."

She cocked her head, thinking. "Maybe you should take the day off, Miss Swan."

I chuckled. "Actually, I think I'll take you up on that offer." The idea was sounding more and more tempting every second.

"Enjoy your day off," she replied, smiling sincerely before leaving the office.

Turning to face my office, I strode behind the desk to put my jacket back on and slung my bag over my shoulder. Just the thought of a break put some pep in my step. I raced for the elevator, hoping to catch it before it closed again, but I wasn't fast enough. My eyes wandered to a clock hanging on the wall as I waited for the doors to open.

8:05

Angel would be up by now. Maybe I could stop over by the hospital….and I do need some more cereal, so I could also hit the grocery store. From there I planned what I would do with the rest of my free day. I was only interrupted when the elevator doors slid open to reveal Mr. Newman.

_Well, there goes the plan._

"I know time flies when you're having fun, but I'm sure that it's not 3:00 just yet, so enlighten me, where do you think you are going, Miss Swan?", he asked, stepping out to stand only two feet in front of me.

Pushing past him to escape the smothering scent of his Calvin Klein cologne, I shuffled into the elevator. "I think I'm going to take today off, Mr. Newman."

He spluttered, "You can't do that! What about the cover story interview, or…or the Kate Winslet spread, those aren't going to wait for-"

"Goodbye, _Mark_," I concluded, as the elevator doors closed. Smiling to myself, I picked up from where my plans had left off. When the doors opened again, I raced through the lobby; the sooner I was out, the better.

Finally outside, I headed to my black 2008 Audi TT Coupe. Really, it was a company car, and the pickings were slim, but this car was sleek without being too flashy. I knew that when – if –I bought my own car, it would be much more modest-looking, but maybe with a similar engine; for less than admirable motives, I'd grown a liking for speed, though I still knew nothing about cars.

_What would he think of me now?_

The errant thought took me by surprise because I was usually good about suppressing those kinds of thoughts. I shook my head, slightly irritated, because I knew exactly where those sorts of questions led to, and dwelling on them just wasn't worth the trip. Time had taught me that distancing myself from my past was the only way I could look to the future. This was why I'd left Forks.

In fact, if I was being honest with myself, this was also a large part of the reason why I hadn't visited my friends or family since moving to New Jersey. The lame excuse I kept giving my parents was that I was too busy, but really, I didn't go back because I was trying to put Forks and most of that world behind me. The only time I had gone back was for the holidays last year. I thoroughly enjoyed seeing Charlie and the pack again, namely, two specific people from the La Push crowd. Senior year had been especially trying, and one of the people I couldn't have made it through without was Jacob Black. We had really bonded over that summer, and everything I knew about cars – which wasn't much – I'd learned from him. It was Jake who had introduced me to Leah Clearwater. She was bitter and spiteful and had been for a while when I first met her, so it took everyone by surprise when we became friends. Though Sam Uley had left her a while before our meeting, she was still hurting, and that common bond had drawn us even closer. Leah found what she needed in me, and I found what I needed in her. Sometimes she'd say that I was helping her heal, but I heavily doubted it. Even though I probably wouldn't have made it through that summer without her, I only wish I could say that _she_ had helped _me _heal, but I knew I was nowhere near healing and after six long years, I had only barely begun to. Because we grew to be nearly inseparable, it was extremely difficult to leave her behind after I graduated, but my need to leave Forks and rebuild myself elsewhere had won out in the end. We still spoke from time to time, but heavy, awkward silences, that hung between the lines made conversations arduous. We found ourselves with little to talk about and our lives were so different that, naturally, the calls became less and less frequent. It was a little sad to see that everyone else seemed to be moving on, but I was still stuck where I'd been at eighteen.

Coming back to the present, I clambered into the car and backed out into the road; it seemed only minutes ago that I'd arrived, and leaving early felt strange. As I neared the hospital, I saw that my usual spot was occupied by a sleek, slate grey Aston Martin DBS.

_Hmm._

St. Jude rarely attracted wealthy families because it was a small hospital. _They must be new to Long Beach_, I thought.

After parking my car, I stepped out and slammed the door. As I fumbled for the right key, I dropped the whole set in a murky puddle. Cursing silently to myself, I bent over to pick them up and felt a swift rush of wind blow past me as I stood upright. I tensed, eyes sweeping the parking lot, almost sure I had seen something. After a moment, I shrugged off the strange feeling; it was probably just a bird.

I strode briskly to the automatic doors, thinking that the temperature must have dropped a few degrees already. Upon entering the hospital, I noted the desk attendant's bewildered expression. She frantically typed something into the computer, fingers flying over the keyboard, then wheeled her chair around to scribble some figures into a log book. She jumped as the telephone rang, and then lunged to pick it up before it stopped ringing.

"St. Jude's Children's Hospital, please hold." She covered the mouthpiece with one hand, and asked softly, "Umm….do you have an appointment, miss?"

"No, I'm just a volunteer. Don't worry about me, I can check myself in. You look busy enough," I said sympathetically.

She sighed a small breath of relief. "Thank you. I'm sorry, I'm new here, and we've just added two new employees to the nursing staff, and it's been a busy morning and…thanks," she blurted, chuckling nervously.

I gave her a warm smile. "No problem. Trust me; I know what those days are like. Take it easy, okay?"

She nodded and waved, returning to her call as I rounded the corner. After changing my clothes, I paused at the doorway of the playroom and assessed my mood, taking deep breaths. It seemed as if I'd been doing a lot of deep breathing lately. Refocusing, I made a decision. Today would be a good day; all I had to do was stay in the present.

****************

My resolve was only strengthened when Angel ambushed me as soon as I stepped into the playroom, clearly happy.

"Bella! Bella, guess what?" she exclaimed, jumping up and down.

I blinked. Angel was never this boisterous. As I wondered why, she grabbed my arm and dragged me further into the playroom.

"Whoa! Where's the fire, Angel?" I joked as she pulled me to the coloring table.

"We got two new doctors, Bella," she informed me eagerly as we sat down, seeming to calm down a little.

I raised an eyebrow skeptically. "That's what you were so excited about? We get new people all the time, Ang."

"I know. But they aren't like the other ones. They're….. different." she replied, starting to color a bouquet of flowers.

I smiled and picked up a crayon. We sat, coloring in silence until something came to my attention. Some of the volunteers stood close together, whispering excitedly. The strange feeling I'd had all morning slowly crept up again. I tried to shake it off, but it wasn't so easy this time.

I went back to filling a flower with pink as Angel colored the grass with purple. Scribbling absently, I didn't hear the click of the playroom door being opened. Satisfied with my flower, I exchanged the pink crayon for a yellow one. I'd almost started coloring again when I realized that the room had gone silent, even the gossiping volunteers had quit their whispering. Puzzled, I looked up to ask Angel if she wanted to do the second flower only to find her gaze transfixed on something across the room. My words died in my throat as I followed her line of sight to the door and gasped, my mind reeling.

No. No. It couldn't be. Not after all this time. I squeezed my eyes shut, hoping with all my heart that it was just a mirage, but….nope. I was staring into the golden eyes of the person that I had been trying to forget since I was eighteen, the face of the only person I'd ever truly loved.

It was like the whole world fell away, leaving just me and him. My mind couldn't process what I was seeing. After five years of _nothing, _he was here, standing just a couple yards away. He looked every bit as gorgeous as he had five years ago. As I took in every little detail, I knew that all my dreams and memories had not done him justice. Their quality was pathetically poor, compared to the image before me now. If this was a hallucination, then it was the best by far and I didn't want it to ever end. I committed every inch of him to my memory, hoping I would never lose this image. I hungrily raked in each delicious feature knowing that every glance would only tear me apart even further. If I'd known insanity would be this sweet, I would have given in long ago, instead of holding on to reality.

"E-Edward," I stuttered, gripping the crayon so tightly that it snapped in two.

The name I had forbidden myself from even thinking now echoed endlessly in my mind. The memories I had been repressing for five years all rushed forward now, like water, pouring over the wall I had built in my mind.

_Dancing with Edward at the prom………flying through the forest………that first fiery, explosive kiss………lying on my bed, speaking in hushed tones so Charlie wouldn't hear………Edward in the meadow………speeding down the road in his Volvo………his hands on my waist as he spoke into my hair._

I gasped as they came, swamping my mind in memories. Heart pounding, I refocused on Edward.

"Bella…." he breathed, his smooth, velvety voice resurrecting feelings that I hadn't felt in so long. Struggling to hold back tears, I wondered how he could remain so much more composed than I was. My heart was still pounding against my rib cage, and I was in absolute emotional turmoil, but he stood there, steadily returning my gaze. Underneath all the other emotions running through me, I felt a stab of hurt and disbelief. Did seeing me after six years really have such little effect on him? Six years and all he could offer was the cold, stoic expression that he wore now. Recalling what he said in the forest, I almost laughed at myself for thinking he would still care.

A doctor wearing a white lab coat strode into the playroom behind Edward.

"Ah, there you are, Edward. I see you've found the recreation center. You probably won't be in here much, so let me show you the rest of the hospital. Now, the section you'll be spending the majority of your time in will be the ICU, which is just down….."

I lost concentration near the end of his speech, confused. When I brought my eyes back to Edward, it finally registered to me that he was wearing the light blue scrub shirt and slacks that all of the doctors wore, and had a clip-on ID attached to the shirt pocket. And then I realized…..it came to me in one shocking sweep of understanding. _Edward was one of the new doctors. _Edward, my one-hundred and ten year old ex-boyfriend, who had until now, disappeared entirely from my life for over six years, was now working at the very hospital I visited almost daily. If it weren't for my current mental state, I might have found it comical.

"….so, if you'll follow me, Edward?" the doctor concluded.

His eyebrows furrowed as his eyes searched mine and I watched as his irises darkened from topaz to ocher. Frustrated, he looked away. "Yes, sir," he finally replied, his voice painfully unshaken and calm as he slowly turned to trail behind the doctor.

As soon as they were gone, the excited whispering of the nurses and volunteers picked up again, despite the electric tension now in the air. Their gazes flickered to me and back again as they established that I somehow already knew the hot new doctor. Completely unaware, I sank into my own thoughts as their chatter faded into the background. It was only Angel's persistent tugging on my sleeve that brought me back.

"Bella? Bella! What's wrong?" Angel asked, her expression alarmed. I had almost forgotten she was there.

I brushed away the stray tears that had managed to escaped and sniffed. I had to keep my emotions in check right now.

"I'm alright, Angel," I sniffled, not meeting her eyes.

She kept watching me, pouting in obvious disbelief. Finally, she looked back down to the picture and started coloring again. I moved the broken crayon still in my hand back to the paper to finish my flower while my thoughts began to wander again.

It all made sense now: the vivid dreams, the uneasy feeling I'd had all day, the strange breeze in the parking lot. But there was still one thing I did not understand. What was Edward doing working in a hospital? He couldn't have forgotten about all the blood he was sure to encounter, especially in the intensive care unit. Then my thoughts took a new direction. _If Edward was _one _of the new doctors, then could the other be_….._was it possible that Carlisle was here also?_

My hands started trembling, and looking down at them, I knew I could not stay here. I stood abruptly, knocking down my plastic chair, and shakily stumbled to the door. Pulling it open, I thought I heard Angel calling my name, but I didn't stop. There was no way I could remain in this hospital much longer. I had to leave.

_Sorry, Ang._

My eyes searched the halls frantically and I darted out of the play room, hoping I wouldn't bump into him. Then, seeing that the coast was clear, I made a dash for the ladies bathroom. I lurched inside and locked the door behind me with trembling hands. Collapsing on the bathroom floor, the tears and sobs started coming, and in between were painful, shuddering sighs. Almost automatically, my knees came up to my chest and I wrapped my arms around myself in the position that had become so familiar to me. I don't know how long I sat there, scrunched up on the floor. After a while, the sobs quieted to small tremors that ran through me every now and then. I stood dizzily and shuffled to the sink. Although I knew it was pointless because this was not the end of it, I splashed my face with cold water before stepping out of the bathroom. Checking round each corner carefully, I cautiously padded down the hallway. Then, hearing light footfalls behind me, I broke into a sprint and didn't stop running until I burst out of the front doors and reached my car. I jumped inside and swerved out of the parking lot, still trembling uncontrollably.

As I arrived at my apartment, I parked the car unevenly on the curb, almost driving onto the lawn. The tears had already started up again by the time I climbed out and made for the door. Opening the lock after several tries, I pushed the door open and tripped inside.

Shuffling through the living room, my foot connected with my coffee table and I went down in a sprawling heap onto the carpet. It looked like I wasn't making it to my bedroom this time, but this was still preferable to breaking to pieces on the floor of a hospital bathroom. I shuddered and wrapped my arms around my chest as the real crying jag began. The first waves of anguish hit me, and I sucked in a quick, sharp breath. The emotions that I had been restraining in the playroom – shock, fear, pain, disbelief – all threatened to suffocate me with their overwhelming weight. Slumping beneath the gravity of my conflicting feelings like Atlas under the weight of the world, I eventually slipped into a fitful sleep.


	3. Dealbreaker

**3. THE DEALBREAKER**

I woke on the floor dazed, head pounding, and sat up. My face was salty with dried tears, and I felt horrible. I stood and padded to the bathroom. I washed my face in the basin and patted down with a small towel, but for all my efforts, my eyes were still red, puffy, and swollen. Sighing, I shuffled my way to the kitchen and started brewing a pot of chamomile tea.

Putting the kettle on the stove, I trudged to the medicine cabinet and grabbed a bottle of aspirin. Popping a few, I returned to the counter and leaned on my elbows, massaging my throbbing temples. I settled in to wait for the water to boil, but just then, the phone rang.

I was almost sure that every particle of my anatomy froze.

I rarely ever received calls on the landline; everyone knew to call me on my cell. Who could it be? Fear gripped my heart as I refused to believe that it might be Ed – _him_.

Unsure what to do, I stood there gripping the counter and staring at the phone, until Charlie's booming voice sounded from the answering machine. I lunged for the phone and picked it up just before he could click off.

"Hey, Char – Dad!" I started breathlessly, "I'm here."

"Oh, hey Bells! I'm glad I caught you. Your old man's got good news!" he said. I could almost hear the smile in his voice.

Trying to sound excited, I asked, "Really, Dad? What is it?"

"Sue and I got engaged!" he bellowed happily.

I shrieked in surprise at the same time that the kettle started whistling. The phone flew out of my hands and clattered to the floor. I scrambled to pick it up and held it between my ear and shoulder as I took the hot kettle off the stove.

"Bells, you still there?" Charlie asked worriedly.

"Yeah, I'm here Dad, I just kind of dropped the phone," I assured him, flushing slightly, though Charlie was no stranger to my clumsiness.

I heard him chuckle, then he sobered up. "You're okay with this, right, Bells? You know I couldn't do this without knowing how you felt."

I was overjoyed, and shocked as well. When Harry Clearwater had died, Charlie had hung out with Sue a lot, for support. Then they started dating. I didn't see how it was going to work out at first. Sue had been feeling vulnerable, and Charlie had been there to fall into, and it seemed as though he still wasn't completely over Renee. But, they'd stuck together and I was thrilled to hear that they were getting married now. Plus, this would make Leah and I step-sisters.

I beamed, "Of course I'm okay with it, Dad. I love both of you and you guys deserve to be happy." I didn't have to fake my excitement now.

Charlie sighed, "Thanks, Bells. You don't know what that meant to me. But, Bella, if anyone deserves to be happy, it's you. How have you been?"

It was my turn to sigh now. "I'm doing fine, Dad. Just….fine."

Charlie quickly picked up on my tone. "Fine? What is it, Bella?" he asked suspiciously.

"It's….its really nothing. I can handle it." My voice broke at the end. My newly found excitement had been transformed into dread; I had been hoping to keep Charlie in the dark about the recent events.

"Bella. I am your father, and I can tell when there's a problem. What is it?" he demanded.

I exhaled. "Okay, you asked for it," I started reluctantly. And then paused.

"……Well? Go on." he urged.

It all came out in a rush. "First of all dad you have to promise not to get mad, because I didn't know he was here, and I'm pretty sure he didn't know I was here, either, but he's here now, and he's working at the hospital, but I didn't talk to him, don't worry, and – "

Charlie interrupted, "Whoa, slow down Bella. Who are you talking about?"

I hesitated.

"Ed-Edward Cullen." I stammered. If thinking his name had been a challenge, saying it was ten times more difficult.

"What the hell does Edward Cullen have to do with any of this? What's going on, Bella?" he questioned, baffled.

I continued, "He's here, dad. Edward's here. In Jersey."

After what seemed like a long moment of silence:

"WHAT?!" Charlie exploded.

I jumped. "Dad, its not – ". He cut me off.

"The nerve of that boy! As if he didn't cause enough damage the first time! If he thinks he can just walk back into your life after all this time, then he's got another think coming! In fact, I'm coming to New Jersey. Lets see what he has to - "

I huffed, irritated. "There's absolutely no need for you to come here! Calm down, Dad. He didn't know I was here and I doubt very much that he wants to get back into my life. In fact, I'll be surprised if he's still here tomorrow. And don't worry; I'm keeping clear of him. We didn't even talk."

Charlie paused. "You sure, Bella? Because you know you can come back to Forks anytime you want," he offered.

"Yeah, dad. I told you, I can handle it." I reassured him.

He sighed. "I still can't believe that of all places, he chose Jersey. What happened to all the other forty-nine states?" he fumed quietly.

Smiling, I knew the worst was over. "Everything will be fine, Dad. I probably won't see him again. Anyways," I started, changing the subject, "have you guys told Leah that you're getting married yet?"

Charlie was easily distracted. "No, actually, I was going to call her right after I told you. How do you think she's going to take the news?" he asked.

"C'mon Dad, Leah loves you just as much as I love Sue. Of course she'll be happy for you. I know it," I promised him.

"Whew," he breathed in relief. I could almost see him mopping the sweat off his brow.

Now eager for more information, I asked, "Do you and Sue have a day picked out for the wedding?"

"….umm…" he stalled.

"Well?" I pushed.

"Well, uh, actually, we hadn't gotten to that part yet," he replied sheepishly.

I giggled. "Might want to get started on that, Dad."

"Probably," he agreed, chuckling lightly.

"Well, I'll talk to you later, okay Dad?" I said.

"Umm, yeah. And, uh, Bella? Take care. Don't get yourself hurt again," he added anxiously.

I swallowed. "Thanks, Dad. I won't. Bye."

After hanging up, I walked back to the stove and poured the chamomile tea into a mug. Sipping the hot liquid thoughtfully, I leaned against the counter and glanced at the clock.

8:43 pm.

Draining the cup and placing it in the sink, I trudged into my bedroom and got ready for bed.

****************

It took massive amounts of effort to bring myself to go to work the next day.

I woke up the next morning to rays of blinding sunlight filtering in through the window shades. Sitting up, I stretched and yawned, squinting against the brightness. As the drafty air in my apartment cleared my mind of sleep, I began to wonder why I felt so awful. The night had been unnaturally dreamless and I'd gotten the most sleep I'd had in a long time. At first, I couldn't imagine what was causing my extreme fatigue, until the previous day's events came surging back to me with painful clarity.

_Edward at the hospital, in his doctor's uniform. A glimmer of disbelief flashed across his features as he breathed my name. "Bella..."_

I huffed and let myself fall back into the pillows, considering taking another day off. The idea was deliciously tempting until I took the consequences into account. I'd be sitting at home with nothing to do, leaving much time to let my mind wander. I sighed and hopped off the mattress, deciding that keeping myself busy was the best alternative. I forced my feet to navigate to the bathroom and got ready for work.

Unfortunately, I couldn't suppress my thoughts forever, so I found myself thinking about Edward. I estimated that he'd be halfway across the country by now; I couldn't think of any reason he still had to stay. What excuse would he give the hospital about his sudden disappearance? Was his family with him? Inevitably, I wondered if he'd given any thought at all about seeing me again. I knew it was silly but it couldn't be helped. I'd like to think that there had been more underneath his calm gaze yesterday beyond plain surprise, but his expression chased away all doubt. I didn't dare think for a second that he'd felt more than he'd let on. The honest truth was that if he'd really ever loved me, he never would have said those words to me, in the forest. He wouldn't have left.

By the time I'd arrived at the office, I had completely convinced myself of Edward's indifference towards me. I made my way across the parking lot slowly to enjoy the sun. It was still a bit chilly, but the sun was shining bright, and who knew when it would be this warm again?

Eventually, I entered the building and strode quickly to my office. Christine was out sick so it would be a busy day. I worked over countless articles, spreads, cover stories, featurettes, and interviews. The copy machine ran out of ink from all the documents being printed and revised, and I managed to use up a stack of post-it notes and two boxes of staples. I approved contents and went over everything once, twice, three times. I'd been working nonstop since I started, and yet by three o'clock, I wasn't exactly sure who would be on the cover of the next issue. Yes, I had been productive and efficient, but my mind was absent the entire time.

I walked out of the glass doors and approached my car. Instead of driving straight to the hospital like usual, I just slipped in, pulled the door shut, and sat, hands gripping the steering wheel. I was absolutely certain that Edward had no motives that would have kept him in Long Beach, but nevertheless, my body tensed in anticipation as I pulled out of the lot. Nearing the hospital, I was sure my nerves were sweating. I maneuvered into my spot and cautiously crept out of the car as my eyes swept the parking lot. To my immense relief, the Aston Martin was not there. The tension and anticipation that had locked my muscles now ebbed away as I smiled. But my smiled faded quite a bit when the anxiety was replaced by an ache of loss in my chest. Walking to the door, I reminded myself that this was what I'd wanted….right?

I slipped in through the automatic doors and strode to the check-in desk, absently wondering where Edward would be by now. I had just settled on Siberia when the secretary called me to attention.

"Miss Swan?" she started timidly.

I nodded, "Yes?"

"I understand that you've been looking over one of our cancer patients for quite a bit….Angel, is it?" she questioned.

Suddenly alert, I replied, "Yes, Is there a problem?"

The woman paused, obviously choosing her words with care. "Umm, no, not exactly. It's just that…well, I thought you would want to know that Angel's foster parents have put her back under the care of social services. They can't afford the hospitalization fees, or the scheduled radiation treatments, so they're giving her up."

All thoughts of Edward and his whereabouts flew out of my mind as I received this news. What? They couldn't have! How could they leave a little girl all alone like that? My head was spinning as thought after thought whirled through. I concentrated on the secretary, disbelief and anger coursing through me.

"Are you absolutely sure?" I said, my voice now cold.

She blinked. Then, "Yes, I'm sure. I'm so sorry," she stammered. Hesitating, the woman started again. "Miss Swan….maybe you shouldn't allow yourself to get too close to this girl…"

I spun and raced down the hallway, rolling my eyes. _Too late,_ I thought darkly.

It felt like I couldn't get my sea green smock and slacks on fast enough. Finally, I scurried to Angel's room. Opening the door, I found her on the bed with a book in her lap, silently mouthing the words. I slowly approached the bed and slid into the chair at its side.

Not looking up, she stated matter-of-factly, "My foster parents don't want me any more."

I hurried to correct her. "No, Angel, of course they want you. It's just…they don't have the money to pay for your medicine anymore, but…."

"It's okay," she whispered, "I didn't really OUT know them anyways."

I ached for her. How much more could she be put through? My emotions completely took over, and I spoke without thinking.

"Don't worry, Angel. You're not alone….because I'm going to adopt you. You can come live with me when you're all better."

She looked up then, her eyes wide with surprise. I was almost as astonished as she was. I had never thought in that direction before, but as soon as the words left my mouth, I realized that I wanted nothing more than to adopt Angel. The next thing I knew, she was flying into my arms. I stood, and we jumped up and down.

Her face shined with delight as she asked, "Really?!?"

I smiled wide and nodded happily. "Of course, Ange!"

We jumped and giggled and squealed, unable to contain ourselves in our ecstasy. The rest of the day was spent planning where we would go, what her room would look like, and how we'd do something different every day. It was bliss, the happiest I'd been since….a while. Finally, the sun went away and the sky darkened a bit. Angel yawned, exhausted from overexcitement. After tucking her in and turning off the lights, I padded quietly out of her room. My thoughts were still in a hopeless jumble, but I was immeasurably content. Smiling, I rounded the corner….and smacked right into something rock hard. The impact would have knocked me to the ground but almost immediately, a snow white arm whipped out and caught me before I could fall. The strong arms righted me gently just as I realized they were unnaturally cold. Horrified, I looked up to see who the muscular arms belonged to, and my mind went completely blank. It was a good thing he was already holding me up, because I was dizzy with disbelief.

_Edward._

All traces of the good mood I'd just been in were gone in that second. I had been so sure that he'd already left; not once had it occurred to me that he might stay. My mind spun as I scrutinized every plausible reason for his sustained presence. Our eyes locked and we stood frozen, his arms still supporting me and our bodies almost pressed against each other. I expected him to pull away from our sudden proximity, but his grip seemed to strengthen infinitesimally. My skin blazed under his touch, even through my clothes, and my heart sprinted into a staccato. I flushed profusely, remembering that he would hear every single beat. He held my gaze, oblivious to the blatant stares we were receiving from nurses passing by. For a fraction of a second it felt as though he was trying to communicate something through his eyes, but I couldn't be sure.

"Bella," Edward whispered. I cringed as his sweet, cool breath washed over my face and raised goosebumps on my skin. I could barely breathe. Even if my mind had been able to form coherent thoughts, I still wouldn't have found the words to describe this perfect moment. Gazing searchingly at me with unnerving intensity, he began to lean closer. I too started to lean into him, his scent pulling me forward like a magnet. Suddenly, deep inside, I felt an impulse from the only part of my brain still functional telling me to get out of there. The rational part of me was screaming to run but I could barely process these impulses. He looked as if he wanted to say more. Then as he got even closer, and I made my decision; I would not wait around to find out why Edward had stayed in Long Beach. The mere thought of conversation was excruciating, and I wasn't even sure that I could speak without bursting into tears, so I finally broke our gaze and stepped out of his embrace.

"I – I have to go," I stammered, backing away from his confused expression and veering in the opposite direction.

"Bella," he murmured once again, his velvety voice now sounding urgent. Against my better judgment, I turned back to face him.

"Yes, Edward?" I breathed, my hopes of escape diminishing. I didn't think I could avoid talking to him now.

He started, watching me carefully, "I…umm…well…we need to talk, Bella." Almost automatically, I could feel my body shutting down, numbing itself from all emotion at his words. They reminded me so strongly of that night in Forks, the night he had left. Horrified, I looked up to meet his eyes.

"No. Don't do this, Edward, please," I pleaded with him. I couldn't believe that once again, I would be put through the pain of his rejection. I suddenly knew what he wanted to talk about. Edward wanted to tell me not to pursue his affections. He was, for lack of a better word, about to break up with me _again._ Did he honestly think I'd forgotten his parting words, or did I look so desperate that he had to make sure I wouldn't try to rekindle our relationship?

"But Bella," Edward began, taking a slow step towards me.

I held out my hands in front of me and backed away even further, trying to dissuade him from continuing this conversation. He didn't catch the hint. "Edward, I'm begging you, please, I already know what you're about to say, and I feel the same way. It's been five years and I've moved on." I pushed the lie through my teeth, knowing how far it was from the truth. _Edward I've always loved you, and I'll continue to love with all of my heart, more than you'll ever know. _It was torture not being able to speak the words aloud.

Edward frowned and took another step towards me. "No, Bella, I don't think you understand…" he started, growing frustrated.

I felt a flush of anger. Did he think I was that stupid? I could clearly understand the meaning in the words he so longed to say. Raising my voice over his, I snapped, "I know what you want to say, Edward, and frankly, I just don't want to hear it!"

He said nothing, and I paused, almost broken at the expression settling on his features. If I didn't know better, I would've thought that he almost looked hurt, but that didn't make any sense at all so I quickly dismissed the thought. I turned and briskly strode away from him. I didn't stop when I heard him call my name once more, hoping that he wouldn't follow, because he could have easily caught up with me. As soon as I rounded the corner, I dashed through the halls and burst outside, scurrying to my car. I hopped in and started the engine after dropping the key several times. As I veered sharply out onto the road, my headlights swept across the hospital front and I caught a glimpse of a dark, silent form standing just behind the glass doors. I whipped my head around to face the street, speeding through the night.


	4. Hide and Seek

**Okay. I know I haven't updated in about two weeks. I am TERRIBLY sorry. This was mainly caused by a horrible combination of interferences; AP classes, annoying siblings, procrastination, laziness, and much more. Then when I finally finished this chapter (about three days ago) I went online, and FanFiction WASN'T WORKING. There was a problem with submitting things, such as new chapters. I couldn't even log in. Anyways, I'm really sorry about the delay, but I do hope you enjoy the next chapter. It's a bit shorter than the others, but there are several surprises. DON'T LOOK AHEAD. Also, the next chapter will be coming a lot sooner, possibly up by the end of this weekend! Oh and don't forget! Reviews are welcome and majorly appreciated. Don't just tell me what you like, tell me what made you angry, or what sounded stupid. This chapter is a bit sloppy - which is silly, considering all the time I've had to perfect it - so some constructive criticism would be very helpful. Just don't be mean. When I read your good reviews, it makes it completely worth slaving over this story into the wee hours of the morning, armed with nothing but caffeinated beverages. Well, I suppose I should let you read now.**

**-- ANITA xoxo**

* * *

**4. HIDE AND SEEK**

I had come to a conclusion. My encounter with Edward in the hospital had made many things clear, the most important being that I couldn't be liable for my words or actions in his presence. My blatant lack of self-control showed that any further contact with Edward would be unwise. Therefore, the only logical decision I could make in order to keep my sanity was to stay far away from him at all costs.

So began the first several weeks of purposefully avoiding Edward Cullen. Going to work, I was extremely cautious; each morning I checked the parking lot for any unfamiliar cars and made everyone state their name and purpose before entering my office. For the first couple of days, I didn't go to the hospital at all. But then I asked myself why I was planning my life around someone who had made it clear that he didn't want to be a part of it.

I snuck into the hospital through the emergency entrance in the back. Most days I would have just gone in through the front entrance, then up to third floor and to Angel's room. But that was before Edward's arrival. Because I was a volunteer, I had a key to the faculty elevator. I usually didn't need it because I used the public elevator, but recent events had necessitated its use. I used the elevator to get to the second floor, then walked up the staircase to the third floor. I did this alternatively, using different stairs, elevators, and corridors to get to Angel's room or the recreation center.

Once I caught a glimpse of Edward. Lost in thought, I'd accidentally stumbled past the ICU. He had just stepped out of a patient's room and was turning around. Our eyes met and we both stopped walking. It was only when he took a slow step towards me that I remembered why I'd been avoiding him. I scurried down the hall, careful not to look back. I'm sure he could have found me if so inclined, but he didn't try to follow me. I concluded that the reason for that must have been because he respected my space – either that, or he _wasn't _so inclined. After that day, I didn't go past the ICU again.

Avoiding Edward was more exhausiting than I'd expected, but apparently, paranoia does wonders for your work ethic. I began to tidy up my room, only meaning to pick up a few things here and there, but somehow ended up scrubbing down the whole apartment. Though I nearly developed carpal tunnel, my apartment was spotless for a long time.

Since I'd told Charlie about Edward being in Long Beach, he'd taken to calling me non-stop. Apparently he wanted to make sure that I hadn't started up a steamy love affair with Dr. Cullen. I'd just closed the door behind me after stocking up on a couple of groceries when the phone rang. I sighed and dropped the plastic bags on the marble countertop.

I trudged to the phone and grabbed it off the hook before it could go to the answering machine.

"Hello, Charlie." I sighed into the phone.

"Hey, Bells! How's it going?" Charlie asked a little too casually.

"It's going great, dad." I replied warily, already knowing what was to come.

"Really? That's good. That's great! So how's the weather in New Jersey?" he continued eagerly.

I rolled my eyes. "Partly cloudy with a high of forty-eight degrees and a low of twenty-one. All residents in Trenton County should be expecting a light drizzle by tomorrow morning. Happy?" I asked, reeling of the entire weather report.

He paused, miffed. Then Charlie continued with, "That's wonderful! So how's the magazine coming along?" He was going to drag this out as long as possible.

"I'm not having a steamy love affair with Edward." I said dryly, cutting to the chase.

"Edward? Who's……OH! _Edward! _I'd almost forgotten about him! How is he anyway?" Charlie stammered.

"Charlie. You did not almost forget about him. I don't see how you could have; you bring him up every time we talk. If I didn't know any better, I'd think _you _were the one in a relationship with him." I cornered.

Charlie chuckled. "So I'm that predictable, huh?" he asked.

"Yes. Also, you don't care about weather in New Jersey. No one cares about weather in New Jersey. And if you really wanted to know how the magazine was doing, you could try reading it. They're sold at magazine stands nationwide. I'm on to you, Dad." I finished sourly.

Giving up, he confessed meekly, "I'm sorry, Bells. It's just that…I don't want you to get hurt again. I really don't know what I'd do this time."

Neither did I. "It's alright Dad," I sighed regretfully. He was just a concerned father. "Don't worry about me; I'm staying well clear of Edward. You should really be focusing on the wedding," I hinted, hoping to distract him.

It worked. He started rambling about catering and guest list details. I let my mind wander, careful to throw in a "hmm.." or an "ahhh.." when appropriate as I put away the groceries. It was only Charlie's next sentence that recaptured my attention.

"So, Bells, for the honeymoon, I was thinking…."

"Dad. That's probably something you'll want to discuss with Sue." I said, quickly cutting him off. The subject had gotten a little too personal for my taste.

After hanging up the phone, I dressed for bed. As I nestled down under the comforter, it occurred to me that I hadn't yet informed Leah that Edward was back.

*************

I walked into the office the next morning holding a cup of coffee and a stack of edited manuscripts. Setting them down on my desk, I hung up my coat and booted up the computer. Then, plopping down on my swivel chair, I shrugged my shoulders, rolled my neck and wiggled my fingers in the ritual I performed each morning to prepare for a long quiet day of reading articles and marking drafts.

I had gone though six articles and was just about to start on the ever-growing pile of manuscripts on my desk when Christine walked in through door.

Looking slightly dazed, she said, "Ms. Swan, there's a man waiting to speak to you in the lobby."

I frowned, trying to recall any meetings scheduled for today. "Does he have an appointment?" I asked, pushing my chair away from the desk.

Christine shook her head, saying, "No, but I think it's urgent and he looks very anxious. I'm not sure what he wants."

"Well, there's only one way to find out," I murmured curiously as I moved around the desk and headed to the lobby. I rounded the corner, walked into the lobby – and stopped short.

Edward was pacing quickly back and forth in the middle of the lobby, hands in his pockets. As usual, he appeared unaware of the open stares he was receiving. When he finally caught sight of me, he immediately stopped pacing and stiffened as our eyes met. I was still frozen to the spot, but I could feel myself getting lost in his dark honey eyes. After what seemed like forever, I regained control of my senses and shook my head to clear it.

Then I looked back up into his eyes and said, "What are you doing here?"

"Bella…I need to talk to you." he started.

"Not now, Edward," I whispered frantically, "Not here."

He looked at me, frustrated. "Not now? Then when, Bella? You ignore me at the hospital, and you run away every time I try to approach you. When am I supposed to talk to you?"

I started at him, confused as to why we were having this conversation. We had already talked and look how well _that _had gone.

"Edward, there is nothing more for us to talk about," I finally whispered softly. I'd already told him that I wasn't going to chase after his affections. What else could he possibly have to say to me?

"Yes there is, Bella, if you would just listen to me!" Edward finished angrily, much louder this time. People were starting to really pay attention to our argument. I couldn't allow it to go on any longer.

"Edward, I think you need to leave now." I said, lowering my eyes and trying to keep my voice low.

"No." he refused evenly, eyes locked on mine. My cheeks flushed a deep red as I took a glance around the room. Now even more of my colleagues were watching the building situation. Who did Edward think he was, to come to _my _office and disgrace me in front of _my_ staff? I straightened myself and put on an expression with as little emotion as I could manage. Then I summoned my most authoritative voice and spoke.

"Mr. Cullen, this is a building of professional journalism, and I take my work here very seriously. If you would like to discuss a publication you want to submit, I'm afraid you'll have to schedule a meeting for a later date." I said coolly, and turned on my heel to stalk out of the lobby. Unlike the other times when he'd just let me walk away, Edward followed with ease.

He continued, "I'm not sure what you're trying to do, but I'm not going anywhere. I strongly believe that you're misunderstanding – "

"Do try to acknowledge the convenience of a planned conference." I broke in sharply. We had reached my office. I pulled open the doors and stepped inside, hoping to effectively end our conversation. No luck. He walked in just a step behind me and I tried to look busy, shuffling around the documents on my desk meaninglessly.

Edward said, "Bella, why are you being so difficult? If you would just hear what I have to say – "

I cut in, "You can set up an appointment with my assistant, Christine, if you're interested in – "

"You can drop the charade now, we're alone."

Ignoring him, I went on, " – arranging a time that works for you and choosing an editor you feel comfortable with. Our scheduled is very tight, so you might be waiting a while."

Behind me, he snapped furiously, "Bella, do you even hear what you're saying? You're making a complete fool of yourself!"

I blushed profusely, grateful that he couldn't see my face. "Now if you will see your way out…" I concluded, walking to stand behind my desk. I was desperate to put any kind of space between us. Growing uneasy in the silence, I finally looked up to face him.

Edward was glaring at me with his arms crossed. "I'm not going anywhere."

I gulped, starting to sweat. "Edward, if you d-don't leave immediately, I'll…I'll have to call security and – "

He laughed. The sound was surprised me, not the rich, seductive sound I had grown familiar to. This laugh was harsh and bitter, and it sent chills down my spine. "And what? What are you going to do? Have them _forcibly remove_ me?" He gave another humorless chuckle, his obsidian eyes cold and unflinching.

A soft gasp made us both break eye contact. Christine stood just inside the door behind Edward, her mouth in an 'o' of shock. I realized with an embarrassing sweep of clarity that she had been standing there the whole time. My cheeks burned bright red and I looked down, my hands pressed against the desk's mahogany exterior. The awkward silence went on, no one daring to speak. Then something changed inside of me. The embarrassment that I'd been feeling melted away, replaced by cold, burning outrage. For the first time in a long time, I was feeling…I was _feeling_. This was not just ordinary anger; no, I was truly and completely livid. How _dare _he come into my office and challenge my authority like this? What the _hell_ made him think he could make a fool out of me in front of everyone I knew, everyone who respected me, at least? What right did he have to come barging back into my life, with no regard at all for any kind of pleasure and solitude I'd built for myself here? As if ripping my heart out over and over again wasn't enough. As if _every single day _wasn't already hard enough to get by, having to constantly endure the excruciating torture of pain, loss, and rejection that plagued my every thought. Though it wasn't much, I _had _made some kind of a life of a here, and just when I'd thought I was beginning to recover, he had to come back and shatter all the progress I'd made. He had to destroy any peace and stability I'd found and make my life a thousand times worse. Well, I wasn't letting him get away with this. I set my jaw and looked up, matching his gaze with cold fury flashing in my eyes.

"Get out of my office," I whispered quietly.

Edward froze, all anger disappearing from his expression. His eyebrows furrowed. "What?" he asked softly. But I knew he had heard me perfectly.

"Please leave. Now."

Edward blinked. He lowered his voice so only I could hear. "Come on, Bella, you can't be serious…" he murmured with an unsure chuckle.

"Just…go."

He stood there for just a moment longer, looking down, then he turned slowly and walked out of the office. I looked down at the table and sighed, tears already misting my vision. Collapsing into the chair, I dropped my head into my hands, trying to stifle the sobs that were making me shudder.

Christine cleared her throat, still standing in the doorway. I kept my head down and quickly wiped my eyes dry, hair hanging over my face. She slowly approached the table, laid down a thick folder and walked out, closing the door softly behind her.

************

I climbed out of my car and slammed the door in front of the apartment building, not sure where my day had gone. It was at least past ten. I hadn't visited the hospital. There was no way I could face Edward after this afternoon. Trudging up the staircase, I came to a stop at my door. The key wouldn't fit easily into the lock, and I began to fight it, hitting the door with my fists, far too close to a breakdown.

"About time." A voice called from the darkness.

I screamed and spun around, dropping my keys.

"No, wait!" the voice said.

My hands searched desperately for the doorknob behind me and my heart pounded in my ribcage.

"Bella, calm down, its just me."

There was something about the voice. I stopped moving for a second.

"Bella, wait."

Then, I heard a rustling and decided not to wait. Instead of the doorknob, my hand brushed against the light switch, flooding the passageway in warm yellow glow.

The door popped open and I almost fell in, when something knocked into me. We both lay on the floor, scuffling around. Finally, the person got up and I felt a rough hand pulling me to my feet. As we stepped out of the shadows, the light shone on the figure's face.

Leah.


	5. Roomies

**OH MY GOD. I AM SO SORRY. I haven't updated in more than a month and I'm really sorry! But the good news is that I'm on my Spring Break so maybe I can crank out chapter six, too. Anyways. This chapter is probably not as lengthy as it could have been, and the ending is kind of crappy, but it is very eventful. Two VERY IMORTANT things happen. Lots of drama. Even a little nudity! Enjoy!**

**-- ANITA xoxo**

* * *

**5. ROOMIES**

My hand flew up to my throat, and if I hadn't already been leaning against the door frame, I might've collapsed.

"Leah!" I shrieked in delight, throwing my arms around her neck. "Oh my god, what are you doing here?! You scared the crap out of me, I thought you were….about to attack me or something!"

She laughed and hugged me close. "Pssh! You wouldn't stand a chance." Used to her ribbing, I just squeezed her tighter, an elated giggle escaping my lips.

My head was spinning and I was dizzy and my side ached from the fall, but I was nevertheless giddy with happiness.

Leah grunted and squirmed under my grasp.

"Bella…I…can't…._breathe_!"

"Oops." Reluctantly, I let my arms fall to my sides, scared that she might disappear once I released my grip on her.

"This is so unreal…I can't believe you're actually _here_!" I gushed.

Leah did not reply; instead she flicked her eyes towards door, back to me, and then at the door again. "Are you going to invite me in, or not?"

"Oh!" I jumped, forgetting that we still stood in the passageway. Pulling her inside my apartment by hand, I flicked on the lights – and immediately wished I hadn't. The living room was a complete mess, stray objects strewn randomly across the floor and a blazer carelessly draped over the arm of my sofa.

"I love what you've done with the place," Leah chirped, warily eyeing the empty white boxes of Chinese takeout from the previous night on my coffee table.

I ignored her. Now that she'd stepped out of the gloom of the passageway and into the bright light of my ceiling fan, I looked at her, really looked.

It had only been about a year since I'd seen her last, but she'd definitely changed. Leah had always been beautiful. She wore her raven-colored hair straight as silk and it hung down to the middle of her back. Her face was smooth and flawless, a rich olive tone with the slightest hint of russet. But lovely as those were, they still weren't her best assets. Leah's almond shaped eyes were somewhere between a striking sea-green and hazel with small specks of gold, framed by thick, dark lashes. Yes, she was definitely gorgeous but there was a distinct difference about her. The change was hardly physical; it was significant, and at the same time, almost undetectable, but it was there. She looked happier.

"Well," I quipped, "can I offer you anything, a cold beverage, maybe?"

"Don't bother. I filled up on those little bags of nuts on the airplane," Leah declined, subconsciously rubbing her belly. "Did you know that there are seven different ways to roast a peanut?" She set her bags down next to the door.

I smiled and replied, "Very valuable knowledge, I'm sure, but I'm guessing that's not what you wanted to talk about. So, tell me, what brings you to my humble abode?"

"Isn't wanting to see my bestest friend in the whole wide world reason enough?" she asked, bringing a hand to her chest in mock hurt.

I narrowed my eyes in suspicion. "You want something, don't you?"

"Well! I'm shocked and insulted that you think I'm that kind of person!" Leah huffed, widening her eyes in childlike innocence.

I cocked an eyebrow. "Of course."

She laughed and gave up the façade. "No, really, I just wanted to catch up with you. It feels like we haven't talked in forever."

"So you flew all the way out to Jersey?" I asked skeptically. "A simple phone call would have sufficed."

"Well, yeah. I didn't really have much else to do," she sighed.

I shrugged and led her through the living room. As we plopped down on the nearest sofa, I reached my arm behind me discreetly, in a feeble attempt to stuff the discarded scraps of paper down into the depths of the cushions.

"So." Leah began, facing me.

"So." I replied.

After an awkward pause, "How have you spent the last year or so?" she inquired.

"Well," I began slowly, "I was getting bored with the magazine, so now I do a little proofreading and publishing on the side. You know. Like, books."

She frowned. "That's all? Don't tell me you haven't met any cool celebrities, you work for the _New Republic_!"

"Senior editors don't really get to meet anyone special. I mostly just look over the finished product before it's printed and distributed." I concluded pathetically.

That was true, for the most part. When I'd first started out as a journalist, I had the opportunity to interview Leonardo DiCaprio, Natalie Portman, and Tina Fey. But ever since my promotion to senior editor, the most important person I'd spoken to was the custodian.

"What?" she gasped, in true shock, "That's so disappointing to hear! Where's all the glamour? You know, life of the rich and fabulous, and all that?"

I laughed. "Yeah, right. It isn't a tabloid, it's real journalism. Besides, can you imagine me walking the red carpet and chatting up all the stars?"

"You've always been quite the socialite," Leah snipped slyly. "So, what you're basically saying is that…your life is quiet and boring? That's lame."

I bristled and retorted, "Oh really? Well, how _glamorous _has your life been?"

Leah beamed. "I thought you'd never ask. Well. After you left, I decided to give college a shot. I went to Washington State University, but after three years, I decided that the whole _learning _and _homework _process wasn't for me. By then, I had a major in English, so dropping out wasn't a big deal. Since then, I've been free-lancing for newspapers and different advertising agencies, which, by the way, requires very little effort. I don't really _live _anywhere, mostly just hotels, and occasionally, a very temporary apartment. That way I can do a lot of traveling and stuff. Also, I'm really starting to enjoy being single; when I'm not working, I'm clubbing."

Silence.

"Oh. Well then." I muttered.

For the next two hours, we talked about anything and everything, from clothes to the wedding to television. Until this moment, I hadn't really realized how much I'd really missed Leah. It was only when we reached a lull in the conversation that things started getting uncomfortable.

Leah was never one to beat around the bush. "So how's your love life?"

Hesitantly, I answered, "Non-existent."

"Hmm."

"Yep." I murmured nervously, starting to look around the room now.

"No new prospects? You haven't met anyone with relationship potential yet?" she pushed. I pulled the collar of my cardigan, almost sweating under her suspicious glare. It was one that made you feel guilty even if you hadn't done a thing.

"Nope." I quickly stood and started picking things off the floor, hoping she would drop the subject. There were some things better left untouched.

"Hmm," she murmured again. "Really? That's funny. I mean, what with EDWARD CULLEN being here!" Leah finished, screaming the last part.

I froze, silently cursing Charlie's big mouth.

Stalling for time, I uttered, "Huh?"

"Don't play coy with me! You suck at lying."

"I-I'm…I don't know what you're talking about."

Leah stood, grabbed my shoulder, and whirled me around to face her.

"Cut the crap, Bella. Charlie told me. You're busted! Did you really think that you keep this from me? I thought if anything major happened, I'd be the first to know, but I had to find out from _Charlie. _And please explain to me, because I'm trying to understand, but what the _hell _are you thinking, getting involved with that leech again? Maybe you've forgotten, but he left you, he ruined what should have been the most exciting of your teenage years. Are you crazy? If you don't care about your own mental health, think about the ones who love you! What am I supposed to do the next time he– "

"Shut up! Just shut up, Leah!" I cut in, quivering with anger now, "You don't even know the half of it! It is completely beyond me why all of Forks is obsessed with my love life, but– "

She clutched at both of my shoulders this time, shaking me hard. "Bella, we just care about you and we want you to be happy, but how can we help you if you stay with him– "

"No!" I screamed, jerking away from her clasp. "Get your hands off me! You don't know anything! I don't know how you even reached that conclusion, but I'm not involved with Edward!"

Leah's expression went from anger to disbelief.

My eyes filled with tears, and my chest started aching again. "No, instead, I'm sitting home alone, single, and lonely as ever, crying my eyes out every night, because I'm _still _so much in love with him…but he…he doesn't even want me.." I choked out, my voice breaking.

Still, nothing.

Instantly, I felt exhausted and drained of energy. "Well, I hope you're happy now. He doesn't even want me," I sniffed, my whole body trembling. Then, my knees buckled and I dropped to the carpet.

*********

"….Bella? Bella, can you hear me?" a distant voice yelled.

I blinked.

Seconds later, Leah's face came into focus.

"Bella? Bella!" she called frantically.

Gradually, other things registered. She was holding a washcloth wrapped around a chunk of ice to my head. I was lying on my bed, propped up by a dozen pillows.

"Wha…what happened?" I mumbled, trying to think through my fuzzy brain.

"Oh my god, Bella, you're back! You fainted and…and I was so scared…and I d-didn't know what to do…and….I'm _so _sorry, Bella…"

Leah threw her arms around me. I could feel her sobbing.

I didn't speak.

"I-I had no idea….I didn't even think to ask….so stupid…I'm so s-sorry for h-hurting you!" she blubbered.

Slowly, I brought my arms up to hold her.

"I fucked up. I really fucked it up."

"It's….it's alright." I whispered, tears streaming down my cheeks.

We sat there for a long time. The first rays of light were breaking through the dark. Finally, Leah sat up. Her eyes were red and puffy; I was sure that mine looked the same.

"I'm sorry," she breathed.

I nodded, my mind still fuzzy.

Leah slid off the bed and wiped at her cheeks with the backs of her hands.

"Well...uh...I'm leaving now. To...try to find a hotel or something…" she mumbled. Then, turning around, she walked to the door.

"Wait."

Leah stopped.

"You can stay here."

She pivoted and her head snapped up. "No, that's okay, I can't….I don't want to put you under any pressure."

"Don't be silly. Your bags are already here, it's three in the morning, and you'll never find a cab out this early. Just stay here."

She paused. "Bella…I don't know…"

I glared at her. "Stay. I _want _you here."

After a moment, Leah said, "Okay."

"You can have the guest room. It's right down the hall to your left, and the bathroom is in between."

She nodded, and left the room.

It had been a long day. First, Edward, then Leah, and now fainting? I was sure that I'd touched a whole range of emotions today. I sighed and reached to click off the lampshade on my nightstand. The sheets were warm and inviting, and the pillow felt like clouds. Sleep sounded so delicious, and barely seconds later, I was about to slip into unconsciousness until a soft knock sounded from my door. Very reluctantly, I rolled off the mattress and tip toed to the door. I pulled it open. Leah stood there, already in her night wear.

"Thank you." she whispered anxiously. Her piercing eyes looked teal in the dark. This time, I wrapped my arms around her, squeezing fiercely.

"You didn't know." I breathed. Stepping back, I looked into her eyes. A long second passed. Then she smiled tentatively and backed into the hall.

"Good night." She padded back to her room.

"Night."

Somehow, I made it back to the bed and flopped down onto it. I was out before my head hit the pillow.

*********

The next morning, I woke with a blinding headache. Just my luck. I'd induced the effects of a hangover without actually consuming any alcohol. The only highlight was that I had the next five days off. Rolling out of bed, I stepped into the hallway to find that Leah was already awake.

"AHHH!" I screamed, covering my eyes.

Startled, Leah looked down, and then back up at me.

"Good morning to you too."

"Leah…you're _naked_!"

"Oh. That!"

"YES, that!"

"What, I like to air-dry."

Keeping my hand over my eyes, I blindly felt my way to the bathroom, making sure to step around Leah by a wide margin.

When I reached a safe zone, I screamed back, "Leah, you know I love you, but if you really care about my mental health, please invest in a towel!"

After showering and getting dressed, I descended the stairs to the kitchen, drawn by the wafting aroma of coffee beans.

"Well. Don't you look smart." I commented, impressed, once I reached the landing.

Leah was bustling around the kitchen in designer label black slacks and a silky blue top with her hair in loose up-do atop her head. She turned around and I saw the sleek glasses she was wearing. Very conservative.

"Don't get used to it," she muttered, "I'm job hunting today. How do you like your coffee?"

Slipping into a comfortable pair of casual shoes, I replied, "Black."

Leah paused and looked at me. "Ew. I'm making cappuccino. Also I noticed that you have almost _no _food in the house! It's scary, actually. I'm going to pick up some groceries before we both starve."

*********

I pulled into St. Jude's parking lot about forty minutes later and climbed out of the car, scuttling in through the revolving doors. The secretary wasn't at her desk so I continued into the staff lounge, changed into my scrubs, and took an elevator to the rec room. Pushing open the door, I scoured the playroom for Angel. I had finally received the papers for her adoption after she was discharged from the hospital. As soon as I spotted her, I headed for the table taking long strides, only to be stopped short when I saw who she was talking to.

Edward sat across from her, leaning forward, his hands clasped together on the table. He was concentrating on Angel intensely and she was looking straight into his eyes. I was about to back right out of the room, but suddenly Edward's eyes caught mine.

Angel followed his gaze.

"Bella." She hopped down from her blue plastic chair and shuffled over to me. Breaking contact with Edward, I leaned down to scoop her into my arms while he watched in silence. It felt like I hadn't seen Angel in months, but it had only been a couple of days.

In a shaky voice, I asked, "Are you ready to go back to your room?"

She gave me a look. "I just left it. Come sit down with us. I told you he was coming back."

I opened my mouth to ask how she knew it was _him, _but then I stopped. You don't question a miracle. Instead, I took a deep breath, steeled my nerves, and made for the table with legs heavier than lead. I set Angel down in her seat, pulled a chair from another table, and set it down barely millimeters from Angel's. I sat down quickly and looked down at the sterilized blue tabletop. Then, it seemed, the longest silence in history ensued, Edward on one side of the table, and Angel and I on the other.

Angel was the first to break the ice. "Bella."

I looked up, but into Edward's eyes and gasped. This Edward was nothing close to the one who'd barged into my office yesterday morning. His eyes were a light, buttery smoldering gold, and his lips were curved into a small smile; as usual, he took my breath away. I could feel the blood rushing to my cheeks.

Angel had started on a Disney Princess coloring book.

"Good morning," he breathed. Across the table, I could nearly smell his delicious, cool breath.

"Good morning….Dr. Cullen," I whispered

His smile faltered just the teensiest bit. "I'm not working today."

Blushing again, I looked down and realized he wasn't wearing a uniform. He had on a wool grey jacket and black jeans, hinting at designers. My eyes lingered a little too long on his lean physique.

He cleared his throat quietly. "How are you?"

He sounded as if he really wanted to know.

"I've been better," I replied weakly. I looked down at my hands and realized that I was clenching them into fists so hard that my knuckles had turned white. Ever since Edward's arrival in New Jersey, the majority of my time had been spent in discomfort and tension, even in my sleep. Fed up, I looked up at him.

"Why are you here?"

He sighed. "I've been thinking."

I shook my head. If he'd just wanted to tell me to leave him alone, he would've already given up by now, considering the way I'd blown him off before. I was constantly stressing about what he wanted, and I intended to find out what it was.

"Would you like some breakfast?"

I almost let out a hollow laugh. Like I'd ever be able to eat in his presence.

"Not particularly," I said.

Edward smiled again. "You're not going to make this easy for me, are you?"

"Actually," I started tersely, "I'm still trying to figure out what exactly I'm supposed to be making difficult for you. I'm _tired_ of fighting with you, and I've already promised to leave you alone. So what is it that you want, Edward?"

"Just let me take you out. Somewhere more…private." he said, intensely serious again. He leaned forward further until his hand was almost touching mine, and I noticed that I was leaning forward also.

I frowned. "I really can't see what more we have to talk about, and I'm so confused and…I really don't know if this is what I need."

He paused. Then, ever so slowly, he reached out and took my right hand. I shivered, but it had nothing to do with the cold. "Bella, I promise, I'll explain everything. Come with me. Please." His eyes locked with mine, and in such close quarters, his breath blew all thoughts out of my mind. "Please."

All of a sudden, Angel coughed loudly. I reached down to pat her back when I realized that the cough had sounded suspiciously like a 'go'. She coughed again, louder this time. Yep. Definitely a go.

I wiggled my fingers and released my hand from Edward's. So Angel was in on it, too.

Edward looked like he was fighting a smile. Recognizing defeat, I looked back up at Edward nervously.

"Where are we going?" I breathed.

* * *

**Questions? Concerns? Comments? Review! I love to hear from you because it inspires me to write when I'm feeling lazy. TWO THINGS.**

**1) Should I change the title to something more fitting? Any ideas for new names?**

**2) Should I write this story from Edward's point of view also?**

**-- ANITA **


	6. Portobello

**FINALLY. Here's the sixth chapter. It was a whopping ELEVEN pages on Microsoft Word! Since it is too long for me to even attempt to summarize, I'll just say two words. Family. Reunion. But, as the fate of our star-crossed lovers go, this will not be your average family reunion. Enjoy!**

**-- ANITA xoxo**

* * *

**6. PORTOBELLO**

_What am I doing?_ I panicked anxiously as we stepped out into the grey morning. The fog had just started to lift as we approached the parking lot. I veered to the left towards my car, digging in my tote for the keys.

"Where are you going?" Edward called from behind me.

I pivoted and replied, furrowing my eyebrows. "To my car…."

He hesitated. "Why don't you ride with me?"

I thought it over. It did seem silly for us to go to the same place in two different cars, and I barely had enough gas for the trip home.

"Alright." I decided, walking back to his car. By the time I got there, the passenger door was already open and Edward strapped into the driver's seat, clutching the wheel. I ducked my head and slipped in. To prolong meeting his eyes, I made a show of slamming the door shut and buckling my seat belt. Then he pulled swiftly out of the parking lot and onto the main road.

Not moving my eyes from the windshield, I asked, "Where to?" He still hadn't told me where we were going.

Edward looked down at me. "Café Portobello. It's a quiet little bistro not too far from here." He held my gaze until I abruptly tore my eyes away and searched for a new subject.

For the first time, I looked around, examining the interior of the car. Dust-free black dashboard, firm black leather chairs, and sleek black controls. Still had that 'new car' smell. I concluded that it couldn't have been purchased too long ago.

"New car?" I started, trying to maintain a light tone.

He pursed his lips, still looking at me. "Mmhm."

"Aston Martin DBS, 2008 model, right?" Apparently, I'd learned more about cars than I'd given myself credit for.

Edward raised his eyebrows. His lips parted slightly, as if to say something, but then he chuckled softly and shook his head. "Correct."

"Do you still have the Volvo?" I asked quietly, after a few seconds.

All traces of humor disappeared from his face then. I didn't miss the small twitch of a muscle in his jaw. Shifting his eyes to stare out of the windshield like I had done earlier, he replied. "Yes…but we opted to…upgrade the family car."

I was about to ask why, but decided against it. Somehow, I suspected that I wouldn't like the answer. Instead, I turned to rest my cheek against the cool window and watched the buildings fly by surprisingly fast. I couldn't even feel the speed. The remainder of the ride continued in silence, save for the soft hum of the engine, and just when I thought the quiet would drive me insane, we pulled to a stop at the curb in front of a small restaurant. There were only a few other cars parked there. Before he could offer his gallantry, I opened the door and climbed out. Immediately, I noticed the fat, grumbling thunder clouds overhead and wished that I'd thought to bring an umbrella.

"Don't worry. The rain won't come until later tonight," Edward assured, sensing my concern. Cocking his head towards the café, he said, "Shall we?"

I nodded and passed him, continuing into the restaurant. I gasped softly as soon I crossed the threshold. Café Portobello was an open-air bistro, with just a large brown roof supported by six thick pillars. Under the roof, it was quiet, just as promised, except for the soft, tinkling of calm Italian music trickling through small unseen speakers and the distant clanging of silverware in the background. Though it was right in the middle of the city, once you stepped under the roof, the sounds of morning traffic and the outside world were distant, as if the restaurant held its own atmosphere. There were no walls, but even so, the gloomy day provided little lamination. The lights were low, and the faint aroma of garlic floated around the small, cozy square.

Edward continued past me and headed for a small booth in a corner at the back. I followed, wishing I had an appetite. The food here was most likely authentic Italian. Almost as soon as I sat down and set my tote on the floor, a portly waiter approached the table with two menus and a warm smile.

"Hello. I am Beppe, and I will be serving you today," he said pleasantly, placing one menu in front of me and one in front of Edward. "What would you like to order?"

"Just a glass of water, please," Edward said courteously as he handed the menu back to the waiter.

Even though I knew I wouldn't be able to keep anything down, I picked up the menu and skimmed it briefly. My eyes stopped at the merlot, thinking I might need it. After quick consideration, I decided to go for some coffee instead. It was a little too early for alcohol. Then, handing the menu back to Beppe, I said, "I think I'll just have an espresso."

"Are you sure? A pretty girl like you must have a big appetite!" he bellowed, laughing heartily.

I smiled back, surprised by his friendliness. "No, that'll be all, thank you."

"_Si. _I will be right out." He turned and waddled towards the kitchen.

After watching the nice waiter go, I returned my gaze to the table to find Edward's curious eyes on me.

"How do you like it?" he asked, watching my face.

Knowing he mean the restaurant, I swept another brief glance around the room and replied, "It's very charming."

After a moment, he repeated his question of earlier. "Bella…how are you…really?"

Confused, I gave him the same answer. "I've been better." I wondered if he expected a different answer now that we were alone, and added, "Some days are better than others."

He opened his mouth to speak again, just as Beppe returned, setting down our requested drinks on the table respectively. I nodded at the waiter politely, not in a rush for him to leave. The small talk would only last for so long. But of course, he left just as quickly as he'd come, with another warm smile.

However, instead of continuing what he'd been about to say, Edward merely stared at me. I self-consciously sipped at my espresso – and instantly burned my lips and tongue, forgetting that it was still hot. Edward tried to suppress a laugh, and pushed his ice cold water at me. I reached for the glass and downed it quickly, eager to relieve the stinging pain in my mouth.

Smiling, he asked, "Are you alright?"

Returning the empty cup to the table, I answered, "Just fine, thank you."

His smile faded, leaving behind only a hint of his former amusement.

"It's still so frustrating," he breathed, suddenly frowning.

I gulped. "What?"

"I thought I'd be used to it by now, but it's just as irritating as before, not being able to hear your thoughts."

"Consider yourself blessed," I muttered under my breath. I knew he would hear.

"If only you knew…." It was so low, that I wasn't sure if I'd actually heard it or not. My head snapped up and I searched his eyes, hoping to extract some meaning, but I couldn't decipher the unfamiliar emotion hidden there. After a while, his gaze started scorching again, and I looked out the window, into the dark clouds, as if they held some sort of explanation. I was just beginning to believe that the majority of this outing would be spent in awkward silence, when Edward spoke again. I looked up at him in anticipation.

"How did you end up working for a magazine?" he asked curiously.

I paused.

"Well…after the summer following…senior year," I began, hoping he wouldn't notice my hesitation, "I left Forks for the University of Phoenix, and I graduated a little early with majors in English and Creative Writing." I checked to see if he wasn't already bored, but he was still listening intently. "Then I moved here, and _New Republic_ was the highest paying opportunity at the time, so I took it."

He thought for a moment. "Why did you move so far away?"

I looked down, hoping that he wouldn't see my blush in the dim lighting. Tracing my finger around the lip of my coffee mug, I explained, "I needed…a…fresh start."

"And do you enjoy the work? For the magazine?" he pushed, not pausing at my answer.

I sighed. "It pays the rent, and its not too time consuming, but it's not permanent." That was as honest as I was willing to be. I _was _planning to get a more stable job, and the magazine was just part of the transitory stage. All the snooty hopefuls at the office would be thrilled to learn that I'd soon be leaving. But to be fair, I wasn't going to miss them much either.

Edward retreated back into silence, thinking this over. I took the opportunity to fulfill some of my own curiosities.

"And what about you?"

He looked up, his face impassive, "What _about _me?"

I bristled. "Well, being a doctor hardly seems like the correct career path for you," I stated crossly. Only later did it occur to me that my observation could have easily been taken the wrong way.

I waited. He didn't reply.

"Fine then. Why did you even stay in Long Beach?"

Still, no reply.

I snorted a disgusted laugh. I'd been foolish to think that he'd actually offer any explanations. I certainly didn't need this. Snatching my bag from the floor, I shot up and slipped out of the booth and towards the entrance, wondering if I could call Leah's mobile for a ride. Lightning fast, he caught my wrist in his hand. I pulled out of his grasp and whirled on him, now extremely pissed.

"Bella! You can't leave!" Edward nearly growled. The few remaining people in the café looked up with disapproving frowns.

"Why?" I scoffed with pent up anger. "So I can listen to your crap? To hear you promise to explain everything, and then sink into silence whenever I ask you something? No thanks, Edward." I snorted another bitter laugh. "I should almost be accustomed to it by now; it's not as if you've never broken a promise before."

Edward winced visibly, and almost immediately, I wanted to take back my harsh words. But I stood my ground, refusing to look at him.

"Bella," he started desperately, "I stayed….because…I want to get to know you again." There was something in his voice that made me look down at where he still sat, the anger already starting to ebb away.

He continued, "That first time I saw you in the hospital, with Angel, I almost did decide to leave….but I wanted to make amends because we….ended on a bad note."

"And whose fault is that?" I muttered indifferently.

"Bella," he breathed, "Please stay." His eyes locked onto mine. For how long, I couldn't say, but I held his gaze so long, his amber eyes started burning intensely, and I didn't think I had a choice anymore.

I slipped back into the booth stiffly, tote still in hand, just in case I had to make a hasty exit after all.

"Talk," I demanded curtly.

Unbelievably, the corner of his lips curled up into a small smile.

"Until just about a year ago," Edward began, "I was in South America– "

"What were you doing in South America?" I interrupted, letting my curiosity get the better of me.

"I was…hunting." he said uneasily.

I frowned, but allowed him to continue.

"Finally, when I couldn't take the solitude anymore, I located Carlisle and the others again, just as they were leaving New Hampshire. Things were very…dismal when I rejoined them. We didn't attempt high school, or much of anything that involved human contact. All of them, even Rose, claimed they were happy to have a break from the monotonous ritual of high school life. I knew better. We all knew they would have been much happier without my renewed presence." He hesitated here. "It wasn't long before I grew tired of being a liability. Soon enough, we all went back to school, as juniors and seniors."

"After Alice and I 'graduated' Carlisle decided that we also needed a…fresh start, but not necessarily as students in high school. Of course, he gave me the choice to go off on my own, but I stayed with the family."

"And when we arrived in New Jersey, it was Esme's idea that we move to a relatively small place, so we found ourselves in Long Beach. Alice was excited, because New Jersey was one of the few states that we hadn't already lived in for some length, and she was imagining the shopping possibilities. The first couple of weeks were slow, as we all looked for a niche we could fit into. Everyone found roles they felt comfortable in. I asked Carlisle if I too could study the medical sciences. Not for one moment did Carlisle doubt my self-control, which could still turn out to be a mistake, but so far, the thirst has been pleasantly bearable. Human blood doesn't hold near the draw for me that it used to."

He paused then to gauge my reaction. My blank expression gave nothing away, but I burned with shame on the inside. Great. I'd fully converted him to animal blood after his first time being with a human. And though I hated the way it sounded, part of me was just glad that I'd been the human that had gotten immersed in the world of vampires, grateful that I had received that experience, instead of some other girl.

"I don't think that Alice anticipated your presence here. She stopped seeing you for a long time. The morning of my first day on duty, I…smelled your scent the minute we walked into the building. It was _everywhere._"

"I was walking the halls, trying to familiarize myself with the hospital," he continued, "then the smell became almost unbearable. It intensified so suddenly and with such force that I nearly lost control. In the next second, I was following the scent that brought me to the playroom."

Now he paused. "I'm not sure what I was expecting to find. But I pushed open the door and…there you were. I truly believed that I'd lost my mind…until you spoke my name. It was the closest thing to reality that I've heard in a long time."

It took me a while to realize that I'd stopped breathing. Even if I'd wanted to, I could not move at all. I was stuck in the booth, stuck wondering what was going on. Wondering why this conversation was leading us down a road I thought I'd left behind six years ago.

"I remained in the hospital until my shift was over. Then, upon our return to the house, I immediately started packing my bags to flee while Carlisle explained the situation to the rest. By that time, Alice had already seen what had happened. There was yelling, screaming, and violence, the entire family opposing my intent to relocate. It was the closest thing to a real fight that we'd ever had, and being much at disadvantage, I gave in eventually. They encouraged me to stay and try to work things out with you. So here we are." He concluded finally.

He'd been watching me all through his story, but now he scrutinized my expression with fierce intensity, quickly growing frustrated when I failed to respond. I dropped my gaze to the table. Suddenly, the swirling patterns of the glassy marble finish seemed vividly fascinating. And then:

"What are you thinking?" he breathed, his face now set in a small frown.

Pushing my almost-full espresso to the center of the table, I cleared my throat and looked up at Edward. "Can we leave?" I asked softly.

His frown deepened slightly. "Are you still angry with me?"

Slowly, I replied, "No, not really. For now." He smiled at this. "I just…have a lot to think about."

"Alright."

We pushed back our chairs and stood, walking back out into the dreary day. I checked my cell phone. 12:30.

A new thought suddenly popped into my mind as we walked quietly to the car.

"So Alice really didn't know I'd be here?" I asked curiously.

"No," he began, "she would have told me if she'd..…._shit!_" Edward swore under his breath as we reached the car.

"What?" I whispered.

"Alice," he breathed vehemently, and suddenly everything clicked into place. Alice _had _known. And somehow, she'd kept it from Edward.

He whipped his head around and muttered something incomprehensible. I followed his gaze - and gasped in shock when I saw Alice, Jasper, Emmett, and Rosalie piled into the all too familiar black Mercedes that had secretly crept up to park behind the Aston Martin. While all their faces were impassive, Emmett was the only one who waved energetically, trying to catch my attention. I saw Rosalie elbow him in the side, and he put his hand down. Then, as we watched, Alice slipped out and strutted around the car, her step every bit as sinuous as I remembered.

As I stood, frozen, Edward launched himself in the tiny vampire's direction until he was standing barely inches in front of her. She looked up at him in surprise, uncertainty replacing the calm expression she'd been wearing.

"Edward, are you al-"

"Did you see this?" he snarled, cutting her off roughly.

"I-"

"I said," he growled, stepping even closer to her, "_did you see this_?"

"Edward, stop!" I yelled, horrified.

He didn't move. Alice looked up at him in alarm. I could see that he was about to shout at her again, when a pale hand whipped out to grab his shoulder. Jasper stood, glaring at Edward, tightening his grip, and Emmett was beside him in a flash.

"Let go of her." Jasper said, a menacing undercurrent to his voice.

I looked down to see that Edward's hands had unconsciously formed manacles around Alice's wrists. Edward also dropped his eyes in surprise. He released her and staggered back two steps. An overwhelming wave of calm hit me, courtesy of Jasper, and I concluded that it was meant for Edward. I looked around at all the beautiful, pale faces; Rosalie had stepped out of the car to stand at Emmett's side, her annoyed gaze focused on Edward.

"Edward," Alice whispered in a voice almost too low for my ears as Jasper moved to hold her protectively. "I…I knew that seeing Bella again was a possibility, but I wasn't sure when, or even if, it would happen. You know I haven't been able to see Bella for years; this vision came from nowhere." She looked at him imploringly, and I could hear the truth in her words. However, Edward still looked tense.

"Why didn't you tell me?" he pushed angrily.

"Because I knew you would overreact like this!" she cried, her expression clearly exasperated.

"This is not an overreaction, Alice, this is a perfectly legitimate response. You had no right to keep this from me, you– "

Alice glared at him, her eyes narrowing. "Edward, when we left Forks, you ordered me not to look into Bella's future. I did what you asked. You told me I couldn't visit or call, or contact her in any way. Again, I obeyed your wishes. You made me leave my best friend behind. For you, I left my home and my life in Forks. Don't you _dare _try to tell me what I do and do not have the 'right' to do!"

As the argument got more heated, I got the feeling that my presence had been entirely forgotten. I tried to speak, but my own emotions fighting against the ones Jasper was forcing on all of us made it hard to think.

"Regardless," Edward began, "you should have told me. I knew that staying here was a mistake. Do you see how this whole situation could have been avoided if only– "

Edward spun around to me and his eyes widened as he realized what he had just said. He took a step towards me.

"Bella," he breathed, "I…didn't…I wasn't thinking."

"Goodbye," I whispered shakily. Inevitably, I was reminded of the time Edward had driven me home after dinner in Port Angeles. Once again, I was just a mistake to him. He reached his hand out slowly as if to take my arm, but I jerked back.

His once-frigid stare snapped back up to mine in surprise.

"I'm leaving," I said a little more clearly. I felt dizzy, but glad that I hadn't eaten anything, because it probably would have found its way to the gravel by now.

"Bella– "

"I wouldn't want to add to your list of regrets."

I spun around and stormed angrily away from them, going nowhere. Anywhere.

Alice spoke then. "I'll take her back."

"That's quite unnecessary." Edward snapped coolly.

"Edward." Jasper interrupted. "Look at yourself. Judging by the way you're acting, and how angry you are, maybe it's the best choice."

Edward slumped. Then he turned slowly as Emmett and Jasper guided him back to the Mercedes. I imagined he felt guilty, and more than a little ashamed at his outburst, but at the moment, I couldn't care less.

Without a further thought, I was inside the Aston Martin and buckled up in record time. My entire body began to tremble. Alice slid into the driver's seat seconds later. As we pulled into the street, I heard tires squealing as the black Mercedes peeled away from the curb and sped off in the opposite direction.

After a long silence:

"Bella…you know he didn't mean it." Alice said softly.

I looked at her and tears misted my eyes. Alice was right, of course she was, but the pain was still such that I was unable to think straight. I just nodded.

The cool temperature of the car's interior and the scent of clean, not-greasy, air helped clear my mind, and after a couple of minutes, I felt almost normal again. Settling in for the ride, I curled up and leaned against the door, watching the scenery roll across the window once more.

Alice pulled to a stop in the parking lot of the hospital. I reached for my tote and climbed out of the car.

"Bye." I whispered to Alice. Then I turned to find my car.

"Bella. Wait." Alice called, stepping out of the car. She took a few tentative steps towards me, before stopping halfway. She opened her mouth as thought to speak, then paused doubtfully again, as if apprehensive of how she would be received. Finally she spoke. "Hi."

I realized this was supposed to be a bittersweet type of reunion, and perhaps the reason for Alice's uncertainty was that she was worried about _my _reaction to _her._ It was a ridiculous idea, but one that seemed all the more likely as I took in her anxious expression. If that was what she was thinking, I had to put her straight immediately, regardless of what it did to me later.

I smiled at her with all the strength I could muster. "Hey, Alice," I said softly, "how've you been?" Without warning, she bounded gracefully towards me, throwing her arms around my neck.

"Oh, _Bella_," she breathed into my shoulder, her sweet scent enveloping me. "I've missed you so much!" She broke off and let out a tearless sob, holding me tighter. I patted her back lamely, unable to do anything else; it was now becoming extremely difficult for me to breathe; I'd forgotten just how constricting vampire hugs were. She seemed to notice my discomfort because she suddenly loosened her grip on me and leant back a little, surveying my face with sorrowful eyes. "I'm _so sorry_ Bella," she said mournfully, "for everything, for leaving, for not saying goodbye," she shook her head sadly. "I never should have agreed to it, but he made me."

I baulked at the mention of Edward and immediately tried to steer the conversation back to safer topics. "Um, it's okay, Alice," I said, and as the words left my lips, I realized that I really meant them. I was thrilled to have Alice back in my life, no matter how long or short of a time. She was still the best friend I had ever had, and I couldn't honestly say that I was anything but delighted to see her again. However, it seemed that Alice wouldn't be deterred, and she continued to apologize.

"I wanted to come and see you, to explain, but Edward said I couldn't, he was so anxious to leave." I winced slightly at this inadvertent confirmation of Edward's indifference towards me, but Alice carried on obliviously. "And then, when we got to Long Beach, he said that he wanted to talk to you on his own, so-"

I grimaced. More talk of Edward. "It's okay," I repeated, "I completely forgive you; there's hardly even anything to forgive."

"Are you sure? You're really not mad? Because if you are, I can totally get down on my knees and beg for forgiveness; I had it all planned out, I even have on my scruffy jeans."

I looked down at her and laughed as I gazed at Alice's perfectly fitting, beautifully distressed jeans, which looked like they had come straight off an Italian runway. Only Alice could call such a stunning garment 'scruffy'.

"No," I assured her, "I don't want you to beg. I completely accept your apology."

An expression of the greatest relief crossed her features. "Thank God," she exhaled, "I was so worried that you'd never want to talk to me again. Which I would have completely deserved; I acted horribly." She wrapped her arms around me again. "Thank you," she said, her words muffled by my shoulder.

"You're welcome," I replied, hugging her back for a few moments. Finally, I released her and stepped back.

"Well. It was really nice seeing you," I said sincerely, "but I have to get going now."

"Alright," Alice grinned. "Goodbye, Bella."

Before I knew it, she was gone and the Aston Martin whipped out of the small parking lot. I sighed and made my way to my car. Slipping inside, I put the key in the ignition and revved the engine as I backed out of my spot. Once I was out in the street, I sighed again, this time, more melancholy. Weaving through the mid-morning Jersey traffic, I wondered if I'd ever be able to talk to Edward without having it end with us fighting.

* * *

**Well? What did you think? I can't say when the next chapter will be coming, but don't forget to review!**

**-- ANITA xoxo**


	7. Nightmares

**7. NIGHTMARES**

The only sound as I sat inside the car, now in parked in front of my apartment, was the soft purr of the engine. Unlike the agonizing, screaming silence I'd felt in the car with Edward, the quiet was calming. As I waited for Leah to get home, I wondered how I would tell her about the morning's events, especially after so adamantly denying any interaction with the Cullens last night.

Before long, my eyelids started to droop. It was only early in the afternoon, but I hadn't slept very well, and I was already worn down by emotional stress, and the car seat was comfortable enough. I tilted my head back onto the headrest and dozed off shortly after.

I woke abruptly to the loud crack of thunder exploding outside of the car. Looking out at the darkened sky, I frowned. I couldn't have been asleep for more than a couple of minutes, but the time on my watch indicated otherwise.

5:53 pm. Christ. _Six hours_.

I looked up just in time to catch a bolt of lightning splitting the sky in the far-off distance. Remembering that it was supposed to rain tonight, I pushed open the car door and stepped out into the dismal weather. The air was humid and the thunder crackled and grumbled overhead, promising a good storm. Another bolt of lightning lit the sky, a lot closer this time. I hurried into the building and up the stairs to my door. I pushed open the door and stepped inside, closing it behind me. I set my tote down on the coffee table and dropped my keys next to it.

"Welcome home, sleepyhead."

I turned around to see Leah coming out her room down the hall and into the living room. So she'd seen me sleeping in the car.

"Thanks for waking me up," I said sarcastically. "How did your job hunting go?"

She smiled. "Well, I didn't actually find one, but the day wasn't a complete waste. Did you see them?"

"See what?" I asked, confused.

She stepped forward to lead me to the window by the arm.

"_Them._"

I looked down at the pavement below to see two shiny, almost-new motorcycles leaning against the side of the building, one red, and one white. I gasped, realizing that they were the bikes I had gotten from the Marks's garage sale in the middle of senior year, the ones Jacob had fixed up and taught me how to ride when I had used danger as a medium to connect me to Edward's disapproving voice. I assumed that Jake had tweaked them to his heart's content, because they no longer looked like the clunky, decrepit bulks of metal and bolts they had been when I first got them.

I turned to Leah. "How did you get those?"

"Actually," she began, "I told Jake that I was going to see you, and he sent up your bikes. He said he didn't want them anymore. Can I have the white one?"

I stepped away from the window and breathed a sigh of nostalgia. Those had been the good days, or at least some of the better days. "You can keep both of them. I don't ride anymore."

"You say that now," Leah clucked skeptically. "But you just wait."

I rolled my eyes. "I have something to tell you." Or else it would be nagging at me all night.

She raised an eyebrow. "And what would that be?"

Anticipating her furious reaction, I winced and whispered softly, "I saw Edward today."

"Hmm." Leah's face went blank.

"I went to this restaurant with him, but all we did was talk. Just catching up. I didn't plan it." I continued nervously.

"Really. A restaurant. Like…a date?" she asked calmly, her face still unreadable, and seemingly impassive.

"No, it wasn't a date, but I think it was more of a…well, it wasn't a date," I said, frowning to myself.

Leah pursed her lips. "So, what does this mean? Are you getting involved with Edward again?" she asked carefully. I suspected that she was trying to be cautious after jumping to conclusions the night before.

"I'm sure that's the farthest thing from his mind right now. Every conversation we've had since he's been here has been a disaster. We always end up fighting," I finished quietly, hoping she wouldn't notice that I hadn't really answered her question.

She squinted thoughtfully. "No, I mean, do you maybe _want _to be with him again?"

I hesitated, biting my lip. I honestly didn't know what to expect if I told her the truth, but then I decided that it couldn't be any worse than last night's showdown.

"Sometimes." I paused again. "But that's not going to happen. We can't talk without arguing."

Leah mulled this over for a second. Then she plopped down on a nearby sofa and patted the cushion. "Well. Tell me all about it."

I frowned suspiciously, taken aback by her reasonable approach to the situation at hand. "About what?"

"Everything. Since he got here."

Taking my time, I walked to the couch and took a seat. I started slowly, first with seeing Edward at the hospital. Then it all came out in a rush, about avoiding him, throwing him out of my office, all the way up to seeing all the other Cullens. I conveniently left out all the parts about me falling to pieces each time. By the time I was finished, we both sat, deep in thought, contemplating the problem before us.

After a while, Leah said, "Why won't you hear what he has to say?"

"Because I already know what he's going to say!" I wailed. "He's going to tell me to leave him alone, and that just because we met again doesn't mean we have to acknowledge each other."

Leah looked skeptical. "I really don't think that's what he wants to say; if that was it, he wouldn't have pushed it so hard, he would have given up by now. No, it has to be something else."

I raised an eyebrow. "Oh really? And what makes _you _so sure?"

"The fact that he took you out on a…not-date. That's pretty contradictory behavior."

"Sorry to burst your bubble, Lee, but I'm sure he only did that because his family has somehow convinced him to stay and 'work things out' because we 'ended on a bad note'," I quoted sourly. "I'm pretty sure I know what he's thinking."

"Huh. I guess I was mistaken. I thought _Edward _was the one who could read minds."

I stuck my tongue out at her.

"All I'm saying is…you don't even know what he wants to say because you're too afraid to find out. Just thinking outside the box here, but maybe you should just listen to him?" Leah proposed.

I snorted, "Yeah, okay. I'll get right on that."

"Seriously, Bella," she pushed, "the worst he can do is reject you again. I know it sounds bad, but maybe that's exactly what you need. I mean, really, don't you want to move on?

When was the last time you went on an actual date?"

"Why are you being so cool about this? I thought you'd freak out, or quarantine me in my room." I inquired, hoping to steer the conversation from that particular direction.

"Well, I did a lot of thinking. Everyone from La Push is already predisposed to an automatic dislike of vampires, but I'm sure that when you think of Edward, he's not just some vampire. I know that when I was with Sam, the way I felt about him never changed, even after I found out that he was a werewolf. He was still just Sam to me." She paused. "And also, I haven't even met Edward, or any of the Cullens, so I want to be open-minded, and not judge them by all the crap that the pack says about vampires. I don't really know anything about him, but I just want you to do whatever makes you happy. If it's Edward, and you guys can work things out, then so be it. But if you're better off without him, then I'll be here to make sure you don't make that mistake again.

I blinked, shocked into a brief, awed silence. "Wow."

"Whatever. Enough about men. I rented _Romeo & Juliet_, and I got some food." She gestured to the small island in the kitchen.

I got up and walked over to it. There were several bags all stuffed full with junk food, and about ten liters of various carbonated beverages.

I turned back to see Leah slipping the disc into the DVD player. "As nutritious as all of this _food_ looks, I think I'm going to pass."

Leah sat up and glared at me. "No you aren't. This is Rom, Jules, and the tale of your two favorite star-crossed lovers, you can't say no!"

I sighed, grabbed a bag of Cheez Doodles, and walked back to the couch. Leah new _Romeo & Juliet_ was my only vice, and it wasn't as if I had anything better to do. We snuggled into the sofa and settled in to watch the film. We "ahhhed" at the cute parts, sniffled at the sad parts, and drooled over Romeo during the love scene, and I couldn't help but think how simple and uncomplicated it was to be with Leah. The apothecary had just sold Romeo a vial of poison when the phone rang and made me jump.

Leah smirked, "Finally. I was just starting to think that phone was a prop, you never actually use it."

I ignored her and lunged for the phone on the last ring.

"Hello?"

"Bella?" Alice's tinkly voice chimed from the other end.

"Alice?" I breathed.

"Would you happen to have any plans for this Saturday?" she asked.

"Umm…no, I don't think so." I replied, still astonished. I didn't bother asking how she'd gotten my number.

"Excellent!" Alice interjected, "You can come shopping with me and Rosalie."

Whoa, back up. If the idea of shopping didn't repulse me already, mentioning Rosalie did the trick.

"Rosalie?" I asked incredulously, "I'm not sure if you remember, but Rosalie and I haven't always been on the best grounds," I ventured cautiously, in case she was nearby and could hear me. It had always been hardest for Rosalie to accept me into her family, and even at the best of times, I'd hardly been on speaking terms with her. She generally treated me like a traffic jam in rush hour; irritating, but unavoidable.

"What?" Alice said gaily. "Come on, you and Rosalie were friends too!" There was a silence as I quickly wondered if Alice had gone utterly insane. "Well, okay," she conceded grudgingly. "That's not exactly true-"

"Not exactly true!" I said in amazement, "Alice this is me and _Rosalie _we're talking about!"

"Well, there's no reason why you can't be friends now!" she exclaimed, ignoring my assertion. "Besides, I'm almost completely certain that she missed you too. Life is just not as interesting without you-" I snorted; it was nice to know that she counted my being stalked halfway across the country by a psychotic vampire as interesting, "- and also, she thinks you have a good influence on Edward." I felt my stomach lurch. It always came around to the topic of Edward. Was there no escaping it?

"So will you come?" she pleaded, her voice sounding very hopeful.

"I don't know…" I said noncommittally. I did want to catch up with Alice again, like old times. I could even put up with a day of shopping and Rosalie, but not if it meant subjecting myself to more unnecessary 'Edward talk'.

"Pleeease," Alice wheedled unashamedly.

"Fine," I caved, shaking my head at my own weakness.

"Yes!" she squealed in delight. "You won't regret this Bella, it's going to be so much fun." I could almost see her big, beaming smile.

"Sure, sure," I said tolerantly, "but it's just shopping with you and Rosalie, right? There won't be anyone…anyone else there?" Alice immediately knew who I was talking about. Her excited tone fell a bit, but she tried to cover it up.

"No, it'll be just us girls. And don't worry, I told Rose to be on her best behavior. She won't bother you."

"Well…alright. But where are we going to go?" I wasn't exactly an expert on all the shopping malls in the area.

"I haven't had a chance to check out the malls here yet, but I've heard they're quite passable. Of course, we can take a day trip to Atlantic City…" Alice droned on, and I only half-listened, quite content to let her deal with the where. She probably had a better idea of the prospective shops around here than I did.

"So it's official! I'll pick you up around eleven on Saturday morning. Don't forget!" Alice chimed.

Suddenly, in the background, I heard a hiss that sounded all too much like Rosalie. She said something to Alice in vampire speed. I only caught the phrases 'told you' and 'not allowed', but her meaning was clear enough. My cheeks burned. It was embarrassing enough that Edward felt the need to set down such 'rules', let alone that every one had to keep referring to them. A frustrated "Fine!" from Rosalie signaled the end of their conversation, and I waited for Alice to come back to the phone. I rolled my eyes; sure, Rosalie and I could be friends.

In a low voice, Alice whispered excitedly, not deterred by her little spat with Rosalie, "Well, I have to go Bella. See you on Saturday!" and the line disconnected.

I sighed and placed the phone back on the receiver.

"So what was that about?" Leah asked from behind me.

I exhaled. "Apparently, I'm going shopping. With Alice. And Rosalie. Saturday."

She laughed and nearly choked on a jelly bean. "You? Shopping? Do you even remember how to do that anymore?"

I lobbed a skittle at her head, but she ducked out the way, still laughing hysterically. Frowning, I returned to the sofa and Leah resumed the film. We finished it, and then watched it again. Finally, when the credits rolled for the second time, the clock read 1:03 am.

I sat up and stretched, yawning loudly. "I'm going to bed now."

Leah got up and followed suit. "Me, too; I'm bushed."

We padded silently upstairs after shutting off all the lights, and whispered 'G'night' as we headed off to our separate rooms. I stepped into mine and closed the door behind me. After changing, I made my way to the bathroom to brush my teeth. At last, I returned to the bed and flopped down on the mattress. I was exhausted, despite my snooze in the car, and already falling asleep, I made a mental note to call the repair company; I suspected that my heater was dying, because the rooms were almost freezing. Finally, with visions of angry vampires and gorgeous magician floating in my head, I drifted off.

***********

_The sun was setting on the horizon, making the vast stretch of water below look like liquid gold. I smiled stretched myself out beneath the dying rays, the warm sand of the beach brushing enticingly against my skin. _

"_Enjoying yourself?" his smooth voice whispered in my ear, his breath tickling my neck and causing my nerves to tingle with pleasure._

"_Mmm," I smiled, rolling into his cool embrace, encasing his hard torso in my arms. He chuckled again and brushed my hair behind my ear with his slender fingers._

"_I love you," he murmured, before planting a series of delicate kisses along my jaw line. I shivered, despite the heat, and openly clung to his broad shoulders. Slowly, he pulled me closer and I opened my eyes…_

Beep Beep.

Beep Beep.

"No," I groaned, my head burrowing underneath the covers. "Five more minutes." _I was just getting to the good part…_

Beep Beep.

Beep Beep.

I swore and reached out from beneath the covers, my arm grabbing wildly for the alarm clock. I heard a deafening crash and felt the floor shake. I sat bolt upright, the covers falling away and exposing me to a wall of freezing cold air. Bleary eyed and disorientated, I looked around the room in confusion, searching for the source of the noise. My eyes fell upon my bed side cabinet - in my haste to switch off the alarm clock it seemed to have been overturned, causing the many books and CDs piled precariously atop it to tumble to the floor. My eyes zeroed in on the alarm clock, which was now innocently nestled in between _Wuthering Heights _and _Sense & Sensibility_.

Beep Beep.

Beep Beep.

"Stupid piece of crap," I mumbled, slamming my hand on the OFF button before reluctantly heaving myself off the floor. I stumbled across the room and across the hall into the bathroom, finding at least three things to trip over on my way. I used the bathroom, scurried back to my room and dove under the covers, shivering from the chill. Still tired, I fell back asleep very quickly.

For the second time, I woke in the morning to an icily cold and silent apartment. I bunched my covers up around me in a cocoon of sorts and tried to go back to sleep. No luck. It took ten minutes, several extra layers of clothing on top of my pajamas, and my fluffiest slippers to persuade me to leave the relative warmth of my bed and go and investigate the reason as to why I was currently living in sub-zero temperatures. On my way out to the kitchen, I glanced out of the window and paused. The street was almost completely deserted, devoid of the usual melee of cars, buses, and pedestrians that made up the morning traffic. A light layer of frozen dew covered everything in sight, from rooftops, to lampposts to lawns. I groaned, dreading the thought of stepping outside to do anything. The white motorcycle was gone, so I assumed that Leah was too, though why anyone would want to ride a motorcycle in this weather was a mystery to me. The cold explained the silence outside, but it didn't give me any clue as to why my apartment had suddenly become akin to a fridge freezer. Shivering, I entered the laundry and flung open the cupboard that housed my boiler. My heart sank; it clearly wasn't working, and the 'seek assistance' light was blinking red. There was no way that I'd be able to get a technician come out and fix it in this kind of weather, especially on a Sunday. I rang the boiler company, only to have my worst fears confirmed when I was told they would be unable to send someone till Wednesday at the earliest.

I waddled to the fridge, wrapped in my shield of covers for some orange juice, and upon closing the fridge door, a bright orange post-it note caught my eye.

_Hey! Bella! Look!! Here on the fridge! See this note? Job hunting again. I'm doing a little free-lance advertising right now for cosmetics. Can you think of any really good things about purple lipstick? Oh, and I think your heater's broken. Thought I woke up in Siberia this morning._

_Leah._

I ripped the note off the pad, wadded it up, and tossed it into the trash bin, where of course, it bounced off the rim and fell to the floor. Then I reached for a nearby pen and started to reply in a note of my own.

_Leah. Calm down. I saw the note. The heater is broken, but we can't have it repaired until Wednesday. I don't know how long I'll be out, but I'm going to see Angel. _

_P.S. There isn't a single good thing that can be said about purple lipstick._

_Bella._

After I had the orange juice, I stuck the note onto the fridge and rinsed my cup. I padded to the bathroom, only emerging from my cocoon of warmth once the door was shut tight and the hot shower water had created a steamy mist inside. After cleaning myself up, I donned my shroud of covers once again over the towel, opened the door, and made a dash for my wardrobe. I changed as quickly as possible into clothes similar to those worn by early Arctic explorers. Then, pulling on my thickest, woolliest jacket, I stepped outside into the chilly morning air.

*******

As I stepped out of the car, I shoved my hands deep into the pockets of my coat and scurried towards the revolving glass doors of the hospital. I wheeled through one, and strode quickly past the empty front desk with my head bowed. I was thinking so deeply about how Angel's first round of radiation had gone that I almost crashed into the wall as I turned the corner into the corridor of her room.

I pulled open the door and stepped inside, almost expecting her to be sleeping deeply, or at least extremely exhausted; that was how most cancer patients looked after radiation treatment on all the cancer recovery documentaries I'd seen. To my immense surprise, Angel was sitting up in her bed watching the morning news while munching on a bowl of sugar flakes. Her hair was limp and dull, her skin a little sallow, but she still looked like she was in great condition. But even the reassuring image was not what surprised me the most.

Carlisle.

Standing next to the bed adjusting Angel's IV drip was Edward's father, for all intensive purposes. Still tall, blond, and handsome as ever, he looked up and met my eyes as his widened slightly in surprise. Nevertheless, I got the feeling that he'd been expecting me. His lips curved into a warm smile that touched his golden eyes, and he pivoted the rest of his body to face me.

"Bella." he said, his eyes crinkling at the corners.

Slowly, tentatively, I covered the distance between us to stand a couple feet before him. When I got there, I realized that I had no clue what to say or do and looked down at my fidgeting hands, blushing.

"Dr. Cull-" I started, and his welcoming smile dimmed a little. "Carlisle," I sighed, allowing a small nervous smile of my own.

Carlisle chuckled and stuck out his hand. "While we're being overly formal…"

I laughed and threw my arms around his shoulders in a move that surprised us both. Carlisle's smile returned and he enclosed me in his arms. After a second, he stepped back and examined me from head to toe.

"It's been a long time," he said finally.

I nodded and replied, "It has. It's so good to see you again." And it was. Carlisle was like a second father to me. I hadn't realized how much I'd really missed him until now.

"You've been missed as well. By all of us," Carlisle said warmly. My cheeks burned at the implication. There was probably at least one Cullen who hadn't missed me very much. Two, including Rosalie.

I cleared my throat and asked, "How's Esme?" Seeing Carlisle now made me wonder about his wife. Suddenly, I wanted to see her desperately. I wanted to be with my almost-family again.

He smiled. "She's doing great. Caring, loving…decorating. Aside from the obvious, I think she's the one who's missed you the most, and she can't wait to see you again."

I gave him a small frown. "Can you tell her that…that I miss her too, and that I hope I get to see her soon?"

"Of course," Carlisle replied, "but my time is short, so – Angel. I suppose you would like to know how she's doing? I saw in her papers that she has a pending adoption order."

"I want to take her home with me after all this is over. Would that be possible?" I asked hesitantly. For some reason, I was afraid of what he might think of me adopting a six-year-old with cancer.

"Actually," he began, "that seems very possible at the moment. Her body is responding remarkably well to the radiation, and after several examinations, it seems that her tumors are shrinking already. They might have even started shrinking before radiation. She's a strong girl. I don't want to implant any false hopes, but I think that, possibly, she may pull through this."

"That's great…wow, that's amazing! I –"

"Shhh!" Angel hissed angrily before turning her attention back to the television screen.

I laughed, then quickly clapped my hand over my mouth and gave Carlisle an exaggerated thumbs-up.

Carlisle smiled and whispered, "In fact, I'm sure they'll allow you a small excursion so you can take her out. I can speak to them and set it up this weekend, if that works for you. And soon enough, if her conditions remain stable, you'll be able to take her home with you."

I sighed and gave him a hopeful smile. Just as I opened my mouth to reply, a pager hooked to the collar of his lab coat let out three urgent beeps and lit up red.

"I'm sorry, Bella, I have to leave you now. I hope we meet again. Soon," he said in a rush, and after putting another reassuring hand on my shoulder, Carlisle was gone.

I stood there for a moment, forcing my mind to absorb the absurd reality of this situation. Suddenly, with no warning, I was once again meeting this second family of mine, and it all seemed so surreal.

"You miss them, don't you?" Angel asked quietly.

I looked up. "Yeah. I do."

She scooted over and patted the empty space on the bed next to her. I squished down on the lumpy mattress and wiggled to position myself. There was hardly enough room for the both of us so I scooped her into my arms gently.

Angel grumbled, "I'm not a baby," but I knew she didn't mind.

"So…" I began, leaving the lines of discussion wide open. I pulled my fingers through her wispy golden locks.

She smiled mischievously. "How was your date with Edward?"

"Next," I groaned.

"Ok," Angel began, "Edward's a really good doctor. He pays attention more than the others. He talks so me."

I winced. "Try again." I didn't know why the idea of Angel and Edward being friends made me nervous, but it did. The concept was strange and new, like entities from two entirely different worlds colliding, my past and my present.

As if I hadn't already rejected the topic, Angel continued, "We talk about a lot of things. The hospital. You. Me. And him."

I froze.

She paused as if something had just occurred to her. "He's different. Real different. But I think he's a good guy." Then, changing directions like the absent-minded child she had never been, she said, "Also, he tells me about the places he's been. He's seen the whole world! I want to see the world too. Did you know that?"

"No, Ange, I didn't know that," I said. "Speaking of traveling, they're thinking of letting me take you out soon. You'll come back right after, but…where would you like to go?"

Angel pouted. "I've been in here for a really long time. What is there?"

What to do in Long Beach. This was something I should've known about, having lived in New Jersey for almost two years now. Sadly, I never went out on any dates – as if – or to see the sights, not even when I'd arrived. In my eagerness to begin a new, busy, uneventful life, I'd neglected to acknowledge any major attractions this city had to offer, and it hadn't crossed my mind ever since.

"Well," I fumbled, "we could…go to the movies…or…erm…the beach, the weather should be warming up soon…or something…" All cities had cinemas, right?

She eyed me skeptically, saying, "You _do_ live here, don't you?"

I made a face at her, but was interrupted as I tried to think of a clever remark to come back at her with.

"May I suggest an alternative?"

Edward leaned against the frame of Angel's room door with his arms crossed casually over his chest. His gold, buttery eyes held mine with a light gaze and a subtle smile touched his lips. He wore a crisp blue scrub with a badge of identification clipped to the front pocket. His beautiful bronze hair wasn't any neater than it had been six years ago, and just like when I'd been eighteen, he took my breath away. It took Herculean effort to drag my eyes away from his lean figure, but when I did, I began to wonder how long he'd been standing there and what he might've heard.

"That is, if you don't mind me proposing any other options?" he went on, raising his eyebrows slightly as if asking my permission to continue.

"Oh," I squeaked. My cheeks flushed and I tried to clear my throat before speaking again. "No. That's fine. I don't mind…not at all." It was so pathetic that after everything I'd been through, especially that last 'date', Edward still had this much of an effect on me. After hearing my heart stutter, no doubt, his smile widened, and it was as if I was seventeen again and that last date had never happened.

But then Angel squeezed my hand and brought me back to what was real, that I was a twenty-three year old news editor who had no business lusting over teenage boys. _No, _I thought wryly_, I only dream about them. _The reminder of this morning's dream deepened my blush; yet another moment in which I was extremely grateful that for whatever reason, Edward couldn't read my mind.

Faster than I would've thought her able, Angel hopped off the bed and padded across the room to stand in front of Edward. I felt inclined to follow, but the risk of tripping and making a fool of myself was enough to stop me.

"Bella's taking me out soon," Angel lisped, smiling up at him. "We're going to do something fun together."

She suddenly reached out to grab his hand and pulled him further into the room. The shadow of a long-forgotten memory flickered across Edwards pale features for a second, and I couldn't help but recall how surprised he'd been about my comfort around vampires. It shouldn't have bothered me that Angel didn't feel the least bit uncomfortable around Edward either, but it did.

"And then," Angel continued, "if I keep getting better, I wont have to stay here anymore, I can live with Bella!"

He smiled politely, but there was an undertone of disapproval in the way he held his brows, the way his lips curled. Only someone who knew him as well as I had could've seen it.

I'd wanted to keep my adoption of Angel a secret, especially from Edward. It was a way of organizing the aspects of my life that I could. For a long time I'd struggled to keep the current in front of me and push everything else to the side, but now things were moving around and everything was jumping out of order and I couldn't find my thoughts and feelings where I thought I'd left them and my life was even more of a mess than it had been before. After the initial timid breathlessness faded away, I remembered how annoyed I was.

"That's still a long ways away," I said quietly to Angel, but if she heard me I couldn't tell.

"Do you have a special place you like to go to, Edward?" she asked coyly.

"No. I don't have a special place," he said, and looked at me. His lips stretched, but it wasn't quite a smile, and his eyes held a question I didn't have the answer to. The image of a lush, green meadow and a beautiful boy at a piano flashed across my eyes and when I opened them, I knew he was thinking of it too. I looked away.

Just in time, a nurse rolled in an IV bag hooked to a cart. "I'm sorry," she said, "but Angel has to rest now. She's been up all night."

"I'm fine." Angel murmured drowsily.

"Your recent work in the ICU has been much appreciated, Nurse Thomas," Edward stated offering her a pleasant smile.

"Oh," she flushed, smoothing down the front of her apron, "why, thank you, Dr. Cullen, it's been a pleasure."

I gave him a look. He shrugged, then asked, staring into the nurse's eyes, "You wouldn't mind if we stayed for a couple more minutes, would you?"

"Well, I suppose that's alright," she giggled, and after tucking Angel into the hospital bed's starched sheets, bustled cheerfully out of the room with one last beaming smile at Edward, and a stiff nod at me.

I blinked. Some things never changed. He caught my eye and gave a small smile that I politely returned. Then I stepped up to the bed, kissed Angel goodbye, and turned to leave.

"Goodbye, Edward," I said softly. It was best to just end it and avoid the inevitable fight that would almost certainly ensue if I remained. As I walked out of the room, he followed silently, and I realized the conversation wasn't yet over. I turned to face him directly outside of the door.

For a moment, he held my gaze and we didn't speak. Then I looked down when my face got hot, pulled my blazer tighter around me and began to fidget.

"There's a ferry that goes from the port to Atlantic City and back. It leaves the dock at noon," he began, "I think Angel would really enjoy it."

"Oh." In all honesty, I'd forgotten about our little outing and was instead bracing for another painful confrontation.

"If you're not busy, I could arrange it for you…if you want," he continued, "How's Saturday?"

_Shit._

I knew he'd explode if he knew that Alice was taking me shopping. Why in the world had I agreed to come?

"Actually," I said, "I've already made plans to go out with – I'm busy."

Edward frowned, and then tried again. "Friday?"

Hmm. "Friday's good." I paused. "Thank you. For doing this, Edward." No matter how reluctant he seemed about the strong relationship between me and a six-year-old cancer patient, he was offering his help.

He smiled. A genuine smile, my favorite lopsided grin, the one that managed to melt my heart each time I saw it. And I couldn't help but smile back, though my face was flushing and red. I remembered to catch my breath.

"And Bella? May I escort you and Angel on the ferry? You know it would be no trouble at all for me to pay as well," Edward asked. His smile faded a bit. I didn't reply.

I looked down. _I wish I knew what you wanted from me._

"I'm not asking anything of you anymore."

I sighed. This was a huge step that would lead me tumbling into a giant vat of shit, for all I knew. From my vast experience in making any bad situation worse, I knew this wouldn't end well.

"Yes," I heard myself whisper.

_Fuck, what did I just do?_

He smile lifted once more. "Goodbye, Bella," he breathed, filling the doorway and leaning dangerously close to make sure I'd hear. Then he strolled down the hall, swinging his stethoscope before him.

I left aloof and light-headed. It was as if I was above the world, watching things happen.

_What am I getting myself into?_

********

Night only held a fitful slumber, pulling me in and out of sleep, then plunging me headfirst into vivid nightmares…

_I shot up to find myself covered in stripes of moonlight from the slanted shades. The light sheen of sweat on my face and neck matted my hair to my forehead and my heart pounded in my ears. Something was wrong. _

_My first thought was to make sure he was alright. As my eyes adjusted to the dark, I hopped out of bed and tip-toed forward quietly. Shapes began to form in my peripheral and I could gather my surroundings a little more clearly. And then I found him sprawled across the lumpy couch that was so pathetically small for him; his arms and legs dangled off the sides. I smiled. He really wasn't a kid anymore._

He's okay. Calm down_._

_I still couldn't shake the feeling that something was amiss but I crept back to the bed and slid under the covers. I was just dozing back to sleep when it happened again. Something was definitely wrong here. I could feel it. Something had moved._

_Ssssssssssss._

_There. Something hissed from the blackest corner of the room. I didn't dare move. Instead I hoped with everything inside of me that it wouldn't be tonight, tonight of all nights, now that we'd finally begun to - _

"_Haaahaaha!" _

_I would've known that psychotic, shrieking laugh anywhere. Pure adrenaline charged through my veins and I was out of bed and halfway across the room before I even made the conscious decision to move. I came to a stop in front of the couch. It was empty._

"_Bella! – "_

_His muffled cry still managed to reach my ears. I frantically whipped around to find the source of the scuffle and then something hard and fast knocked into me. I flew and hit the wall with a painful thud. Red spots clouded my vision and I just couldn't pull any air into my lungs, but I saw the fiery red halo, glinting black eyes, and blood red lips pulled into a malicious, ugly grin._

_There is no feeling as profound as knowing that your selfish actions are the cause of not only your death, but the death of an innocent, young outsider. _

_I wanted to die. But I knew giving up was not an option. Somehow, I pushed myself up and tried to crawl forwards._

_I screamed his name once. Twice. There was no reply, only more scuffling sounds. The tears started coming, flowing unstoppably as I inched towards the sound. Just as I was getting close to the grunts and growls issuing from where I thought he was, the swift, hard kick of a black boot caught me directly in the abdomen and I knew I wouldn't escape her this time. _

"_Haaahaaha!" she screeched._

_The kick shattered the bones in my arm and most likely the ribs it had been shielding. My screams turned into gurgles as spouts of blood gushed from my mouth, quickly soaking the wooden floor beneath me as I cried for him, cried for his soul, so young and sweet._

_As the laughter grew more wild and frenzied, and as she leaned down to drag me up by the neck, there was only one thing on my mind._

_I'd killed him. I was a murderer. This obscene truth rang in my ears until I blacked out._


	8. By the Sea

********

**Sorry for the delay, as usual something came up. I don't have much to say except that I really like this chapter because it has one of the first sweet/sad/romantic moments between our main love interests. Enjoy...**

**ANITA**

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* * *

**

_Time together is just never quite enough  
When you and I are alone, I've never felt so at home  
What will it take to make or break this hint of love?  
We need time, only time  
When we're apart whatever are you thinking of?  
If this is what I call home, why does it feel so alone?  
So tell me darling, do you wish we'd fall in love?  
All the time, all the time..._

Owl City - Saltwater Room

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* * *

**

**8. BY THE SEA**

Death has an aftertaste. It is bitter and acidic, and stings like resentment.

I woke up struggling to breathe, as if the nightmare was in fact its own entity, barreling down on my chest with suffocating pressure. I sucked in haggard, painful breaths, barely escaping from its dark grasp. My throat was ripped and raw, from screaming, Leah would later tell me. My entire body trembled all the way to the bathroom.

I washed my face, grabbed a small towel and padded myself dry. I wiped the towel over my eyes and looked into the mirror. I wasn't a bit surprised to see Leah leaning in the doorway.

"How do you feel?"

"You know how I feel," I said quietly.

She sighed. "Bella, it wasn't your fau–"

"Then whose fault was it, Leah?" I demanded, "It didn't just happen, okay? Someone has to take responsibility for what they did to him."

"You're no more responsible for what happened than the pack is. Why does it have to be you?" she maintained, glaring at me.

"Why?" I turned from the sink to face her. "Because I was the one who got involved with James' coven. I was the one who told the wolves all not to worry, that she wasn't coming back. I was the one who made Seth phase back and come inside. If I'd let him stay outside, at least we might have stood a fighting chance."

"Bella, you've got to stop blaming yourself. You and I both know that Victoria would've killed anyone who stood in her way. Besides, Seth would've eventually found a way to come inside, he had a huge crush on you–"

"Please don't say that, it just makes everything so much worse." My eyes itched and I looked away.

Leah said, "Get a grip, Bella, you can't keep thinking like this, it's going to kill you."

"Leah, it is killing me," I whispered shakily. The tears brimmed over my lids and slipped down my cheeks. "He was only fifteen. Jesus, he was _fifteen_."

"I know. I lost him too."

This was the first nightmare of that certain incident I'd had since leaving Forks. I felt guilty for pulling Leah into my misery too, for reminding her of what we'd all lost, but I couldn't bring myself to speak. I couldn't deal with it alone but if I could burden her with some of my pain for a while it might not be so bad, sick as it sounded. Mornings like this made me feel as if I was genuinely on the verge of losing my mind.

* * *

According to the calendar in the kitchen, it was Thursday. I only had today to prepare my self for Atlantic City with Angel…and Edward, and already my morning was miserable enough. _Great._

I grabbed the glass kettle out of the coffee maker and poured two cups. Leah thanked me with a heavy sigh, then buried her coffee in creamer and sugar. It was a rough morning for us both.

"So…I have a play-date with Angel tomorrow…" I began airily, "and Edward's escorting us."

She took a sip of her coffee. "Are you two going steady now, or what?"

"Not even close," I assured her.

"Whatever. It's your prerogative." She said doubtfully

"Leah?" I asked anxiously. "Have you spoken to Jacob lately…about anything that's been going on?"

She looked up at me. "No, I haven't told him about Edward yet. I thought I'd wait till you got things figured out. Why?"

I shrugged. "Well, I just wanted to keep him in the dark for a while, you know?"

"I guess." She pursed her lips. "Listen, I have to get moving now, do you have any plans for today?"

"Not really. But the weather's nice, so I'll probably step out."

"Alright, bye!" she threw over her shoulder, and after collecting her tasteful workbag, bustled out of the door.

I stood in the kitchen for a moment. Today was not a good day for me to be alone with my thoughts, and the silence was especially suffocating. I picked up the phone and dialed a number I hadn't called in a while.

* * *

As fate would have it, Mike Newton was employed under the same firm I worked for. In fact, he handled business transactions between rival parties of news printers. I scanned the park and spotted the bench he said he'd be at. He stood as I approached, offering me a half-smile. Immediately, from a cursory glance, I could tell he was slightly tense, on edge, rather than the cool, laid-back gentleman he'd grown to be over the years.

"You've been a stranger lately," he noted, looking around us, eyes squinting against the sun's glare.

"I'm sorry."

"No worries," he said heavily, "I'm used to it." He pulled a cigarette from his pocket, lit it with an experienced and careful hand, and took a long drag. We continued down the park's worn trail.

I sighed. "So…what's new?"

"Jessica's pregnant," he said softly.

"Whoa," I blinked, "That's big."

"I know."

"How far along is she?" I asked.

"Four months." He blew out a cloud of smoke. That explained the bags under his eyes. Further down along the trail, a young mother pushed her plump, giggly toddler in a small pink stroller. We watched her circle around and lift the happily squirming tot out of the stroller to kiss her chubby, rose-red cheeks. Mike sighed. "I don't know if I'm ready for this; it feels like we've only been married a few weeks."

An uncomfortable conversation with Renee came to mind, one in which she'd asked if I was ever going to give her grandchildren. I considered Mike's situation. I had nothing to compare it to save for my imminent adoption of Angel, but they seemed like two very different circumstances. Still, I attempted to sympathize.

"So what's next?"

He shrugged. "I have no idea."

We were quiet for a while. Because our jobs kept us in good proximity, Mike and I had stayed acquainted; he'd arrived in Jersey not long after I had. In the beginning, it was awkward and somewhat adolescent, but that passed quickly because we'd both matured and he was married by then. Ever since, Jessica – and Mike, to be honest – had accepted the fact that our friendship was strictly platonic, she began to dismiss the time we spent together, but still remained distant; things had never really been the same between us after one particular incident in Port Angeles. These days, Mike and I were passively comfortable with each other in the way that only casual old friends could be.

"So what's new with you?" he asked.

I looked away. "Not much."

"Nothing?"

I hesitated. Then, throwing caution to the wind, I decided, _what the hell?_

"Do you remember the Cullens?"

An ominous, chilly breeze that seemed inconsistent with the warm weather blew in our direction, swirling leaves and twigs around our feet.

"Of course."

_Of course_. I gulped. "Well…they're back."

"I know," he said indifferently, looking down, "I saw you arguing with Edward in the lobby a couple of weeks ago."

I relaxed, and we ambled on at a leisurely pace.

"Should I ask?"

I thought about it. "Probably not."

He offered me the cigarette, which he'd already burned through halfway. I accepted the stub casually and took a few modest puffs.

"I was just asking to be polite; I thought you quit," Mike chuckled quietly.

"Me too," I sighed. "I _should_ quit."

"Tell me about it, I'm having a kid," he reflected glumly, his face sobering once more.

I looked down at the cigarette between my fingers. It was a nasty habit I'd developed in the summer after senior year, while I was still looking for danger, hoping it might give me an edge that would make me look aloof and keep away anyone who tried to get too close. Needless to say, I quit pretty quickly after much harassment from Charlie and Jacob. _Bella, nicotine does not become you. _The only redeeming quality about the ordeal was that I never felt as if I _had_ to have a cigarette, it was just lazy passive smoking. Nowadays, I only did it with Mike, at times of high anxiety and stress, on days when my nerves couldn't be calmed even by the lethargic blanket of tranquility that an anti-anxiety pill might provide. Days like this one. The smoke wafted out of my mouth in desolate, lingering tendrils. I passed him the pathetic stub.

"So what's next?" Mike asked, despondently taking it back.

I shrugged. "I have no idea."

After his turn with it, he handed me back the cigarette, which was pretty much down to the filter. I sucked in one last fruitless lungful from what was left, and then dropped it, crushing the butt with my heel. I felt a faint sense of relief as its remains were carried away on a light breeze, inviting the notion that this cigarette was most likely my last; smoking had long since ceased to deliver the effect that I longed for, relief from minor stress.

"Mike?"

"Hmm?"

"You're going to be a good father."

He turned to me.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

* * *

Despite my lachrymose frame of mind the day before, I woke feeling marginally better, even a little optimistic, as if the grey thundercloud above my head had been blown away by a mild, well-meaning zephyr of warm air. As so indicated by the worry lines I'd acquired in recent years, days like this were pretty rare for me, days when my attitude to the things I usually stressed over was neutral and laissez-faire. It took me by surprise, this sudden mellowness. Leah gaped in disbelief as I breezed through the house in the morning.

"Okay," she finally said, "I just watched you skip into the bathroom. Since when do you skip?"

I shrugged. "I don't know." I began our customary coffee-and-toast ritual.

"Bella, you were humming in the shower."

"Was I?" I asked absent-mindedly. I remembered tonight's event and it threatened to end my complacency.

"Alright," Leah demanded. "What are you taking?"

I stopped and stared at her. "Nothing."

Quiet suspicion settled in her eyes. "And how do you feel about tonight?"

"A little nervous," I replied, trying to explain as best as I could. "But stressing over every second I'm in a room with Edward is doing nothing for me. All I can do now is try not to read into anything too much, just take it for what it is, a ferry ride in Atlantic City. Whatever happens, happens."

The phone rang.

"Can you get that?" I asked, scooping out a cup of Folgers coffee beans.

Leah took the phone from its hook on the wall. "Hello?"

A strange look passed over her face. "…yes, she's here. And who is this?"

She listened for an answer, but I already had a hunch about who it might be.

"Oh. Edward," she looked at me expectantly. "How unfortunate that when we finally meet, it's on the phone."

"…I'm a friend. Hold on."

She held the phone out and I reached for it uncertainly. "Hello?"

"Bella."

His voice was velvety and unintentionally seductive even on the phone. I was inexplicably at a loss for words.

"Good morning," he said.

"Yeah."

"I just called to ask what time you'd like me to come by."

I blinked. He was picking me up? That wasn't exactly what we'd agreed on.

"I'll be at the hospital around five," I answered.

He paused. "Alright…I'll see you then."

I hung up and exhaled nervously.

Leah eyed me openly. "Don't over-think it."

"Right." Neutral. Mellow. Laissez-faire.

After the coffee was ready, she handed me a cup and pushed an envelope across the countertop to me.

"What's this?" I asked, frowning.

"My half of the rent."

I pushed it back to her. "Leah, I'm not going to make you pay to be here."

"That's why I'm forcing it on you," she said pointedly, pushing it across the counter once more.

I looked out of the window. The weather seemed to fluctuate constantly without rhyme or reason. At the moment, it was warm and sunny outside. The morning was peacefully quiet and serene. After breakfast, I retrieved the mail and wandered up to my room to sift through the small pile. A large burgundy package from the New Jersey Children's Services Organization was the first to catch my eye. I slid my steel letter opener under the lip of the envelope and coaxed it open. Inside were Angel's papers and transcripts, along with a certificate confirming the finalization of her adoption and hereby declaring me as her legal guardian. Distantly, I could hear the Friday morning cartoons blaring from the television downstairs. I absently fingered the fancy golden trim of the certificate. This made it real, valid, certain. Still, I felt only vaguely aware that I was now responsible for a child's life. Leah still didn't know yet. I descended the stairs and walked into the living room.

She sat cross-legged on the sofa completely engrossed by the cartoon. I rolled my eyes, then proceeded to announce my presence.

"Leah. I'm adopting Angel."

"Bad idea," she said, eyes still glued to the colorful characters flashing across the screen.

"Why do you say that?"

Finally she looked at me. "Bella, she's terminal."

"Carlisle thinks she may be going into remission," I fidgeted.

"But for how long?" she countered, cornering me.

I hesitated. "Who knows? Maybe it won't come back."

She regarded me skeptically. "Well, I'm just saying that you shouldn't put yourself in that position. People get hurt looking for trouble."

* * *

Five o'clock rolled around and I stepped out of the house wearing slim black jeans, a nice creamy blouse and a small grey cardigan. In a capricious burst of spontaneity, I decided to take the motorbike and ran back inside to grab the black leather bomber jacket Leah had recently bought me. As I flew past the living room on my way out, she sighed knowledgably and expressed her prediction that I'd be riding the bike again sooner or later.

Back outside, I hopped onto the seat, pulled on the sleek helmet sitting on top of it, and fired the engine. It filled me with a surprising, long-missed surge of energy and adrenaline. I smiled inside the helmet and sped out of the drive.

A few minutes later, I parked the motorcycle beside a battered green truck in the hospital's parking lot. I hung the helmet on one of the bike's handlebars and strolled in with the jacket draped over my arm. On my way up to Angel's room, the mantra '_neutral, mellow, laissez-faire_' played repeatedly in my head. I turned the corner to find Edward and Angel waiting in the doorway. As soon as she spotted me, she let go of Edward's hand and eagerly latched onto mine.

"What took you so long?" she demanded.

"Angel, I'm ten minutes early," I chuckled, discreetly trying to prolong looking at Edward.

"Let's go, let's go!" she pushed adamantly.

Steeling my nerves, I looked up at Edward, and of course, most of my mellow melted

as soon as our eyes met, but I managed to speak.

"Hey."

"Hello," he responded calmly, with a shadow of a smile. His eyes held a light ocher glow, and his beautiful bronze hair was as tousled as ever. I struggled to keep my thoughts straight.

"Bella!" Angel whined anxiously, pulling me out of the trance, "you can talk to him later, we gotta go _now_!"

I smiled at her, but she only glared at me and tugged my hand, itching to leave.

Edward led the way as we left the hospital, to his car in the parking lot. The ride was almost an hour long, but Angel kept me busy by pointing out the very same buildings and statues and fountains I saw on a daily basis. Not out of nervousness, but to keep Angel company, I sat in the backseat and kept an eye out for the port. Soon enough, we arrived and made our way down to the dock. Edward handed the ferryboat captain three tickets of admission and we continued. I lifted Angel gently over the ledge until her feet touched down. She waited for me to follow.

As I put a foot forward to embark the ferry, I realized immediately that the floor was much lower than I'd calculated. I lurched forward and the ferry rocked despite my attempt to maneuver smartly. With a hideous sense of dread, I shut my eyes and tensed for the fall, but in a move so agile and swift that I wouldn't have seen it with my eyes open, Edward sped forward and caught me around the waist, smoothly repositioning us so we were out of the way of oncoming ferry-boarders. In the commotion, I was involuntarily leaning against him in a way that seemed painfully intimate. At his touch on the bare skin of my hip where my blouse had ridden up, my cheeks burned and my face felt hot. His hand trailed slowly from my waist to the middle of my back as he tried to steady me. I shivered. Everything around us seemed to move tremendously slowly. I'd long since regained my balance, but he kept his hands on me. My brain was in a state of sensory overload, and I considered throwing myself back onto him, but I didn't dare take a breath, and his eyes burned into mine.

"Ugh-mmm." Angel, who'd stood and watched quietly until now, cleared her throat.

I relaxed my fingers, which had stupidly clutched themselves to the chest of Edward's sweater, and he released his hold on me. We stood, regarding each other awkwardly until Angel tugged my hand and I turned my attention to her. She led me excitedly down to the food bar, eager to consume something other than hospital cuisine. Edward lagged behind.

The ferry ride continued for another half hour. After dinner, Angel and I wandered over to the railing. She looked out at the calm water and stuck her hand out to feel the light, briny ocean spray. She closed her eyes.

"This is the best day of my whole entire life and I'm gonna remember it forever and ever, even if I don't have a lotta time, and you're the best friend in the whole wide world."

I picked her up and squeezed, and she squeezed back. As I put her down, she gave a tired little sigh, and sat down in a nearby chair, resting her head on the table. I stroked her golden wispy hair lightly and finally stepped back to rest my elbows on the railing. It was getting relatively dark, and the only lighting on the ferry came from twenty or so candles, giving the scene a glowing, romantic ambience. Just as I began to wonder where my escort was, the air stirred slightly, lifting a few loose tendrils from my bun, and Edward was suddenly beside me. _Neutral, mellow, laissez-faire._

"It's twilight," he sighed darkly.

I turned around to face the sea, and stared out at the dusky sky. An enigmatic twist of orange, purple and pink rippled through the deep blue, keeping the stars at bay as the sun set.

"It's beautiful," I murmured softly. Edward leaned a subtle inch or two closer. My heart thumped sporadically. I tried to ignore it; using the railing for support, I leaned forward slightly and craned my neck to let the salty ocean breeze kiss my cheeks.

"I suppose it is," he breathed after a minute, looking at me sadly.

"Bella…"

I turned to him without thinking, and gasped as I took in how close he really was. Only a couple of inches separated our noses. His cool, exquisite breath washed over me, temporarily blowing all worrisome thoughts from my mind. He held my eyes, and then reached out a hand to brush my cheek lightly. I frowned almost painfully and closed my eyes, willing the tears not to come. My breath caught in my throat. _Whatever happens, happens. _My lips quivered.

Suddenly, the ferry rocked as it hit the dock, breaking the moment, and the passengers began to unload. Edward pulled back slowly, and I moved carefully around him to retrieve Angel.

"Can we do this again?" she rasped sleepily, looking up at me.

"Of course."

"Promise?"

"Pinky promise." I smiled at her.

Once again, on the hour long drive back to the hospital, I took the backseat and Angel slept peacefully in my lap. Every now and then, Edward would catch my eye in the rearview mirror, and I wished desperately that I could bring myself to ask him what was happening and what he meant by getting so close to me. I tried to doze as well, but knowing that his eyes would be on me the entire time only made me more restless. Finally, we pulled into the parking lot. A homely nurse standing just outside the door rushed forward to take Angel from my arms, and I waved as she disappeared into the hospital with my nearly adoptive almost-daughter. Then it was just Edward and I.

"Can I walk you to your car?" he asked hesitantly, as if I might actually refuse.

I nodded looking down. As we neared the area where I'd parked my bike, he slowed down some.

"Did you walk?" he asked doubtfully, scanning the lot.

"No." We kept walking.

"Before you go," Edward began, "I'd like to apologize."

I bit my lip anxiously. "Apologize for what?"

He looked into my eyes, making sure he had my undivided attention. "For the way I've treated you over the last couple of weeks. I'm sorry if I hurt you, that wasn't my intention."

I looked down at my sensible shoes. "I accept your apology."

He laughed quietly and I couldn't help but join him as I realized how silly I must've sounded.

"Thank you," he said graciously. "Where are you parked?"

"Umm…it's just over here."

I started to put on my jacket, but he gently pulled it from me.

"Allow me," he murmured, smooth as velvet. Standing behind me, he pulled the jacket over my frame with care. My heart rate increased instantly as I felt how _close _he was; his slow breath tickled the back of my neck, causing goose bumps to break out on my skin immediately. I held my breath, not daring to move, as I felt his hands trace across my shoulder blades, lingering slightly at the base of my neck. Then he moved in front of me and zipped it up to my chin, where his thumb lingered longer than necessary.

"Edward…" I whispered a little breathlessly. He had to know the effect his touch had on me. Eventually, he dropped his hands and returned to my side.

"Whatever happened to that rickety old truck you used to lug around Forks?" he asked, with a lopsided grin.

Despite myself, I gave a small, rueful smile. "It finally retired to the great vehicular graveyard when I turned twenty..."

"Where it belonged in the first place." He finished. "Speaking of cars, I was quite surprised when I saw your Audi. Certainly an upgrade."

"Yeah," I muttered, "It's not something I would have picked out myself."

"Would you have preferred something like this?" he chuckled, motioning to the battered green truck I'd parked my motorcycle behind. We stopped walking.

"Ha, ha," I said, narrowing my eyes at him, "You're so funny. I only have the Audi because it's a company car."

"Well...I think it suits you," Edward decided.

"More than the truck?" I asked him incredulously.

He laughed. "It had the most rust and dents I've ever seen on anything that still moves."

"It had _charisma_."

He shook his head good-naturedly. "That truck was a joke."

"No, that truck was a soldier. What kind of veteran doesn't have any battle scars?"

Edward sighed. "Good point. I wonder what battles this monster has fought?" he mused, running a hand over a dent in the fender. I strolled past the green clunker to my bike.

"Where are you going, Bella?" he asked, slightly amused.

"Home," I replied, clipping my hair away from my face, and pulling on the black helmet.

His eyes narrowed. "What about your car?"

I looked at him through the tinted glass visor of the helmet. "I didn't get here in my car."

I swung my leg over the saddle and got situated. Now that I was using the bike again, a part of me longed for the sticky summer afternoons spent in Jake's garage slaving over this very motorcycle. Perhaps it was time to start looking for a job back west.

I looked up at Edward to see he now stood in front of the bike, blocking its path. His eyes glittered.

"Are you...are you going to use this?" he asked darkly, his jaw set.

"Yes, Edward."

"You can't ride that motorcycle."

"Really? Because I think you'll find that I can," I countered, revving the engine to prove my point.

"No," Edward insisted. The air was getting chilly. I didn't have time for this.

"Edward, you're being ridiculous." I sighed.

"_I'm_ being ridiculous? Do you know how many people get killed on these things a year? Do you want to become a statistic?" He began, raising his voice.

"Look," I said hastily, "I'm not even going to fight with you over this. It's late, and I'm going home."

"Are you out of your mind?" he demanded in disbelief. "And what does Charlie think about this?"

"Stop it, Edward. That has nothing to do with you, and neither does this. You made that pretty clear when you left," I muttered, not mentioning that Charlie didn't specifically know I was riding again.

"Bella-"

Trusting that the element of surprise would play to my advantage, I revved the engine again and spun the steering wheel, causing the bike to turn sharply, facing opposite of Edward. Then, ignoring his outraged roars, I slammed my foot down on the acceleration pedal with all the force I could muster, making the bike shoot forwards like a bullet from a gun. Within seconds I was thirty meters away from an astounded Edward. As I sped out of the parking lot with the wind on my back, the bike seemed to devour the oncoming road with a feverish, almost hysteric frenzy. My hair whipped around behind me and I felt invincible.


	9. Breakeven

****

I think it's safe to say that we've arrived at the most engaging portion of the story, and we're one chapter closer to the climax. Things should start moving a lot faster from here and a lot will happen in a short amount of time.

**ANITA.**

* * *

_And I just can't look, it's killing me_  
_And taking control_  
_Jealousy, turning saints into the sea_  
_Turning through sick lullabies_  
_Choking on your alibis_  
_But it's just the price I pay_  
_Destiny is calling me_  
_Open up my eager eyes_  
_'cause I'm Mr. Brightside..._

The Killers - Mr. Brightside

* * *

**9. BREAKEVEN**

The next morning was heralded by a phone call from none other than Rosalie Cullen. At nine o' clock, my mobile phone buzzed, and I stretched groggily to grab it, but also managed to fall from the bed, legs tangled in the sheets.

"Hello?" I answered short of breath, pushing the phone to my ear. Nothing.

"Hellooo…" I tried again. Again, nothing but white noise met my ears. And then:

"Good morning, Bella."

I blinked. _Rosalie?_

"Alice wants you here by five-thirty. I wouldn't cross her if I were you."

"…oh…erm…alright. Good. Great. That's…good."

I distinctly heard Rosalie's surrendering sigh. "Okay, let's cut to the chase. I know we don't really get along, but…I'd be willing to put aside our differences for the time being."

If the idea of Rosalie calling my phone wasn't enough to shock me into silence, then surely the fact that she was making an effort to be pleasant finished the job. I couldn't think of much to say.

"Uh…yes, of course."

She hesitated, then said softly, "Something's got to give."

I frowned, puzzled. "What do you mean?"

"Five-thirty. Don't be late." She hung up.

At the sound of the dial tone, I pulled the phone from my ear and snapped it shut. Eventually, I shrugged and stood from the floor, freeing my self from the tangled mess. I'd had stranger days. After brushing my teeth and a quick shower, I padded to Leah's room and rapped three swift knocks on the door. There was no way I was doing this alone.

* * *

We stepped out of the door with only seconds to spare, but stopped short on the walkway. A smooth Mercedes Guardian made of glassy obsidian occupied the space behind my Audi, effectively obstructing our exit from the driveway. I squinted and peered into the windows, but the tinted glass obscured anyone who might have been inside. Finally, the driver's side door popped open to reveal…Jasper. He slid out of the car with impossible finesse and began to approach us.

He stopped a few feet away and held out a hand. "Hello, Bella."

I looked down at it as if it were some complex appliance I couldn't figure out. I couldn't remember Jasper ever coming so close. I looked up at him, but didn't move. What if I were to reach out for his hand only to find out that he wasn't really there, that I was just seeing things? Discouraged, he lowered his hand.

"Jasper." I tried my best smile, as if that might make up for not wanting to take his hand. He nodded at me mutely.

"This is – "

"Leah. I'm a friend." She stuck out her hand, watching him closely. If she knew he was a vampire, it didn't show; she simply pursed her lips and studied him further.

"A pleasure to make your acquaintance," Jasper said politely, shaking her hand. Then he turned back to me.

"I hope you're ready. Alice sent me to escort you to the house, and I wouldn't cross her if I were you." He started moving back to the car and we followed slowly.

He turned once again and looked at us.

"Were you planning to drive yourselves?"

I sighed. "Would you mind?"

"No…but I'll let you tell Alice," he said with a small grin, then disappeared into his car. We followed suit and climbed into the Audi, waiting until he pulled out to reverse and shadow him to the Cullen home.

Leah looked at me and rolled her eyes as I tried to keep up with Jasper's speedy, precise driving. "I can't believe you're making me do this."

"Oh, c'mon," I replied, "you and I both know you wouldn't have come if you didn't want to. And besides, I need you there for moral support."

After almost half an hour, we reached a gated community of only about a dozen houses, big, luxurious sprawling villas scattered across several acres. Jasper led us to the very last one, the one most separated from it all. Though not as spacious as their house in Forks, this one was relatively large and still had a Victorian feel to it. Jasper slid into the garage and climbed out, beckoning for us to do the same. Confused, I parked the car in the driveway. Alice had never said I'd have to come inside. I took a couple of deep breaths to shake the nerves. Leah, who was already out of the car, rounded to my door and pulled me out.

"You'll be fine." This came from Jasper, who pulled down the garage door and turned to face me. "You shouldn't be so nervous…we're _all_ happy to have you again."

"Thank you, Jasper." A wave of calm washed over me.

He opened the door to let us through, always the gentleman. "Ladies first."

Almost immediately, a low, inhuman braying rumbled from deep inside the house.

"What the…" Leah breathed.

"Here he comes," Jasper chuckled. Before I could get a gulp down my throat, a massive, behemoth figure filled the doorway and went barreling straight into me.

"BELLLAAA!"

I found myself struggling to breathe in the brawny, marble embrace of the monster that was Emmett.

"Bella, I missed you so much!" he bellowed into my ear, lifting me off my feet.

"I…missed…you, too…Emmett," I squeaked as he carried me inside and set me on feet.

"Oh, yeah," Emmett joked, "I forgot how you humans like your oxygen."

"Emmett!" a long missed voice scolded, "You'd better not be playing rough already, she's just arrived." Emmett hung his head sheepishly.

Carlisle and Esme stood at the foot of a winding staircase, the grandest couple there ever was. Still beautiful, still impossibly young. Esme gripped Carlisle's side hesitantly, unsure of how to proceed. Carlisle's hand rested lightly on the small of Esme's back and he murmured something into her ear that made her features relax and lifted a small smile from her lips. There was a pause in which we just looked at each other, and then her smile widened, spreading across her face and causing her soft eyes to light up. I wasn't aware of making the decision to go to her, but in no time at all I had crossed the room in several quick, long strides and thrown myself into her waiting arms. They wrapped around me tightly in an embrace that held with affection as I leant my cheek against her shoulder, breathing in her delightfully familiar scent. It was like coming home. "Oh Bella," she whispered, "how I've missed you. It's been so long."

"I missed you too," I replied quietly, surprised to feel a lone tear slipping down my cheek as I eased myself from her arms and stepped back, smiling. Carlisle beamed genially down at me, attractive as ever.

"Good to see you again," he murmured, pulling me into a brief but meaningful, one-armed hug. "I wasn't sure if we would."

"I couldn't stay away," I grinned back at them both. I had missed Edward's family almost as much as I had him. Carlisle and Esme were as good as parents to me, albeit much younger than convention would dictate. I introduced them both to Leah, who had been content with simply watching the scene unfold. They received her warmly, obviously believing that she didn't know what they were. As my eyes moved between their faces, I saw a third figure emerge from where he had been lurking in the door. _Edward_. I was not surprised to see him, but it was an awkward moment nonetheless.

"Good morning, Bella," Edward muttered, pulling a strained, artificial smile from his lips.

"Edward," I returned politely, deciding to play along for the benefit of his parents, who tried to appear as if they weren't intently observing out interaction.

Leah, bold as ever, stepped forward and held out her hand. "I'm Leah. We met on the phone."

"I recall. Pleased to meet you." As Edward reached slowly to take her hand, his brows furrowed. He looked directly into her eyes, a question at his lips, and then snapped his gaze up to me. I could only imagine what Leah was thinking.

For only a short moment, no one had anything left to say. Emmett was launching snowballs at Jasper outside. Leah looked at me. I looked down at the floor. Edward studied us both. Of course, Carlisle and Esme picked up on the lack of communication. They watched us surreptitiously with identical expressions of wary concern on their faces.

Before I could feel guilty, a small, white ball of energy zipped into the front entrance, followed shortly by Rosalie, at a less enthusiastic pace.

"Isabella Marie Swan!"

Alice stopped only inches before me. "You're late," she glared, crossing her arms.

"Sorry," I winced.

"Relax, Alice," Rosalie cut in, looking at me, "the night is still young, I'm sure we'll have plenty of time to do some damage."

Esme leveled her with a warning stare.

"Metaphorically," Rosalie muttered reluctantly, throwing a forced smile in my direction.

"I'm going to get the car warmed up," Alice chirped, flying out of the door.

Leah blinked. "Well, isn't she just a bundle of fun."

I shot her a look, then turned to Carlisle and Esme.

"Could I please use the bathroom?"

"Of course," Esme replied, pointing down the hall, "it's the third door to the left."

I brushed past Edward to get to the bathroom. The overpowering aroma of potpourri assaulted my olfactory bulb the minute I entered, but once inside, I struggled to gather my thoughts and get myself together. I lifted the knob to turn on the faucet at the sink and sprinkled some water on my face and neck. After a couple of steadying breaths, I left the bathroom to find Edward leaning on the wall outside of it. He looked up at me in the dark hallway. Almost instantly, my cheeks heated and I felt flustered again. I moved to return to the front room, but he stopped me.

"Can I ask you something?"

I sighed. "Yes?"

"Why are you adopting Angel?"

I looked at him. "I don't think this is something I feel comfortable discussing with you."

He pushed off the wall and stepped closer. "I know. But I don't think you realize everything that involves. You will have to feed her, give her a place to live, take care of her. You'll be completely responsible for the welfare of that child."

"Are you implying that I can't look after another human being?" I asked defensively.

"Not at all."

"Then what are you trying to say?" I pushed, glaring at him.

"Bella…" he took my hand. "Angel is terminally ill. If something were to happen to her now…you shouldn't put yourself in that position."

"She's getting better," I insisted stubbornly, looking away.

"For now. Bella, the hard truth is that she has cancer, and she may be in remission now, but it will come back, it always does. Do you think you're ready for that?" he demanded sharply.

"Edward," I whispered firmly, pulling my hand from his, "she's all that I have. Do you want to take that away from me too?"

"Just thought you should know what you're getting yourself into," he replied curtly.

Suddenly, I was holding back tears. Edward's expression changed from one of irritation to one of alarm.

"I'm sorry," he breathed, pulling me into his arms. "I didn't mean to upset you."

It took me a while to process that he was actually holding me. Then I melted into his arms. I buried my face into his shoulder and took a deep breath, enjoying his exquisite scent. His cool breath stirred the wisps of hair on my neck and I began to think that maybe this was what heaven felt like. And yet, I couldn't help but wonder how long it would be until we fought again. How long it would be before he remembered why he'd left me in the first place. Just as he turned his head and his lips brushed my cheek, I pushed away from him.

"Stop," I said softly.

He looked hurt. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have…"

"No, just…just stop _doing_ that! Stop doing all of it, stop…being so nice to me…unless…" I caught myself abruptly.

"Unless what?"

I looked up at him. "Edward, I can't keep pretending that this is something it's not." He looked at me for a long time.

"Bella, we're leaving _now_!"

"Goodbye, Edward." I turned and walked into the front room. Leah gave me a look when Edward came into view not far behind me. I shrugged. She wasn't the only one who'd noticed. Jasper frowned. Esme shot Carlisle a panicked look. I continued out of the front door. Alice and Rosalie were waiting in Emmett's monster of a truck.

"Hop in," Alice called to me.

"I brought a friend along…this is Leah."

"She can come too; the more, the merrier."

Leah and I climbed into the backseat. As Alice gunned the engine, I said, "Might I ask why we're taking Emmett's truck instead of a normal car?"

Leah nodded and Rosalie chuckled.

"Silly Bella," Alice laughed, "where did you think we were going to put all the bags?"

***

As we entered the large mall, a wall of cool air engulfed us, tinted with a smell that could only be described as one of…opportunity.

Alice stepped forward and peered through the window of a department store. "Neiman Marcus, Dooney & Bourke, Balenciaga, Marc Jacobs, Donna Karan, Dolce & Gabbana, Alexander McQueen, Hugo Boss, Burberry, Max Azria, Louboutin, Oscar de la Renta, Cavalli, Armani, Chloe, Fiore, Dior…"

"Good god…" Rosalie muttered.

"This is where I want to die," Alice sighed.

Leah rolled her eyes. We walked into the airy, brightly lit store, and immediately Alice set to work.

"Oh, Bella, this dress is _perfect_ for you!"

I sent Leah an S.O.S as Alice dragged me over to a rack of designers. A mere ten minutes later, I was struggling to remain upright under a load of overpriced garments that I'd never dare even think about buying myself. Soon I stood near the changing rooms surrounded by Alice, Leah, and Rosalie. Alice held up the first item in question.

"I'm not putting that on."

"And why not?" Alice asked innocently.

I looked at her. "Where's the rest of it?"

"Bella, you are so funny!" she exclaimed, "Now put it on." I could tell she meant business, so I snatched the skimpy top and trudged into the changing stall. I stepped out cautiously with my arms crossed. They all stared.

"Well, hot damn." Leah muttered.

"Oh my god, I look like a tramp, don't I?" I rushed back into the changing room only to have Alice drag me out again.

"God, Bella, you are _so_ beautiful, but you're the only one who doesn't see it!" she said.

"Are you kidding me?" I squealed, "I want my old clothes back!"

She took a deep breath. "Bella. I care about you. I'm not letting you go back to those…senior citizen clothes. Brown cardigans? Grey pumps? I don't think so."

"Hey, those are very sensible clothes!"

"They're _boring_!" she made a disgusted face.

"What?" I asked. "You want me to go around town parading my…lady parts? I don't think I should have to sacrifice my dignity in order to be…fashionable."

"We're staging an intervention."

"My old clothes were just fine," I mumbled.

"A little help, Rose?" Alice pleaded. "Tell her how good she looks."

Rosalie eyed me. I fidgeted and tried to pull up the low-cut line of the blouse. Finally, she said, "You know I'd be the last person to admit this…but you do look…decent."

I almost smiled. Coming from Rosalie, that was as good a compliment as any. Over the next two hours, they had me try on a countless number of outfits and model for them. I had to draw the line when Alice pulled out a tiny swimsuit.

"Okay, I am most definitely not wearing that."

"Yes you aaaare!" she sang.

"No." I refused.

She glared at me. "I'm being very serious."

"So am I," I shot back.

"Put it on."

"No."

"Put it on!"

"Uh-uh."

"Put. It. On."

I narrowed my eyes. "Alice. You are insane. There is no way you're getting me into that ridiculous swimsuit. It looks like a band-aid."

She arched an eyebrow. "Oh, really?"

"Really."

She frowned. "Look, Bella, we can do this the easy way, or we can do this the hard way. I'm not above forcing you into that stall and dressing you myself."

I sighed and grabbed the hanger from her, grumbling under my breath.

"Hey," she said, "That's no kind of talk for a lady!"

I poked a tongue out at her and slammed the door of the stall shut. After almost ten minutes of twisting and tugging, I gave up.

"I can't get it on!"

Alice zipped into the stall. "That's because you're wearing it backwards."

She set to work adjusting. In the middle of more twisting and tugging, she asked quietly without looking at me, "Does your friend know that the Cullen bunch is a happy little nest of vampires?"

"Yes, she knows," I whispered. We stepped out of the stall. Leah whistled low.

"Who knew Bella Swan had an ass under all those librarian clothes?"

"I want you, stone cold fox." Leah blew a kiss and hooked a finger at me.

After a few more minutes of more catcalls and kissy faces, I was ready to drop. Then Alice brought out the last straw on the camel's back. In a maroon colored box sat a sinister-looking pair of black, knee-high boots with four-inch heels.

"Whoa," Leah whistled.

"Alice, now you're being too eager," Rosalie said. "If my memory serves me correctly, Bella can hardly even walk barefoot-"

"Say what's _really_ on your mind," I mumbled.

"– How do you expect her to walk in those boots?"

"Well," Alice mused, frowning, "she's got the legs to pull them off…"

"But not the confidence…or coordination," I muttered. At least there was one thing Rosalie and I could agree on. "Look, Alice, I don't have your tireless energy. I'm exhausted…isn't it about time we call it quits?"

"Alright," Alice conceded.

Somewhere during our extravagant shopping adventure, Leah and Rosalie had bonded. They I didn't fully realize how ravenous I was until Leah mentioned stopping by the food court before we left. Suddenly, I found the strength to make it through the rest of the outing. Once we ordered our food and got situated, Alice clasped her hands together and smiled brightly.

"So."

Mid-bite, I looked up at her warily. "So…"

"How are things with Edward?" she prodded, eyes gleaming.

And just like that, I lost my appetite. Sighing, I dropped my fork with a clatter to the plate. "I really don't want to talk about him," I said, grabbing a napkin.

Alice pouted. "Why not, you're among friends."

Rose sniffed, but Alice chose to ignore her.

"Why not?" I repeated. "Because I don't want to. And I know he'll find out anything I say when you get home."

Leah picked up her burger. "Problems don't go away if you ignore them."

"You're supposed to be on my side," I grouched, glaring at her.

"Okay," Alice relented, "we won't talk about him. But at least tell me… do you think that maybe one day you'll get back together?"

A heavy question. If only I could tell her that that was _all_ I thought about. "I don't know about that, Alice."

She looked at me wistfully. "I honestly thought you two would've worked things out by now."

My cheeks were hot. "Why would you think that? He made it pretty clear that he was done with me."

Alice froze. Rosalie snapped her attention back to the table.

"Wait…what?" Alice whispered.

I stared at her. "What do you mean? You knew that he left."

"No…what _exactly_ did Edward say to you?" she demanded.

My blush deepened with the embarrassment of having to broadcast his rejection statements. "He said…he said he didn't love me, didn't want to be with me."

Alice swore under her breath. Leah frowned and put down her burger. "I'm guessing…he didn't tell you guys about it?"

"He certainly fucking did not," Rosalie answered, staring at me. "And he expected you to go running right back into his arms."

"What are you talking about?" I shifted uncomfortably.

Alice ran a hand through her short brown hair and drummed on the table. "Okay, Edward might've said those hurtful things, but he's my brother –"

"He's an idiot." Rose muttered.

"– _he's my_ _brother_, and I know him. I can only guess that he couldn't think of another way that you'd let him leave." She paused. "But for whatever reason, it wasn't true."

"Maybe you don't know him as well as you think, because he was pretty convincing to me," I said quietly.

"I _know_ he doesn't feel that way. I wish you would believe me." She said sadly.

I shook my head. "I think you're terribly mistaken. Anyway, forget it, let's talk about something else."

"For the record," Rosalie began reluctantly, "Alice is right. Edward is stupid, but he lied to you."

"I don't want to hear this," I whispered, still shaking my head. Hope was the worst thing that could possibly happen to me at this point.

Rosalie laughed. "God, you are so stubborn. Take it from me, Edward has been the most depressing person to be around for a long time, and it isn't for no reason. He's just as stubborn as you are, and you're obviously miserable too. I don't think I've ever seen two people who deserve each other as thoroughly as the both of you do. Why don't you both stop being stupid and mope together, instead of bring everyone else down with you?"

Recoiling from the sting of her words, I mumbled, "I didn't realize I was being such a burden."

"Okay," Leah chimed, "I think we should call it a day. It's almost nine." I was too busy recovering to shoot her a grateful look.

"Good idea," Alice agreed. "You two are coming back to the house, right?"

"I'm not sure if that's the best idea. I wouldn't want to bring anyone down."

"Why not?" Leah said to Alice, ignoring me. She pulled me out of the booth and whispered, "He doesn't bite." Even while I glared at her, I couldn't help but half-smile at her stupid vampire quip. We gathered all of the bags and made our way out of the huge mall. Leah, Alice, and Rosalie swung the bags as if they were filled with air and I huffed and puffed all the way across the parking lot. A least some things were still the same. Once we'd loaded the bags in Emmett's truck, Alice and Rosalie hopped in and Leah and I wiggled into the little precious space between all we'd bought.

"Alice," I said, "don't get too eager about seeing me in all of these new clothes. They're going straight to the back of my wardrobe."

"Actually," Alice giggled, "you are going to be wearing them, because they'll be the _only_ things in your wardrobe."

"What?"

"Alice followed Jasper to your house, and then she emptied your closet completely after you left," Rose explained warily.

I glared at her in the rear view mirror. "What the hell, Alice?"

"I was only thinking ahead, Bella, it's really for the best. You'll thank me one day," she quipped.

"Maybe this is a good thing," Leah offered, smiling slyly. "Edward won't be able to keep his hands off you now."

I groaned and looked glumly out of the window. The last thing I needed was for Edward to think I was dressing up to seduce him.

"Alice, is it really necessary for us to go back to the house?" I asked desperately.

"Well, your car's still there," she began lightly, "so you might as well come in while you're picking it up. Plus, we're having special visitors and Esme would love it if you stayed. You wouldn't want to disappoint Esme, now would you?"

_Of course not._

_

* * *

_

A shiny red sports car of a model I couldn't name occupied the space in the Cullen's driveway. Instead, Alice pulled over to the curb. I jumped down to the gravel from the truck as soon as it stopped moving, eager to get it over with. I wondered briefly about the visitors, but then the cold pushed all thoughts from my mind. Leah crossed to my side and huddled to me for warmth. During the drive home, the temperature had dropped drastically. My teeth began to chatter and our breath came out in white clouds.

"Gotta love the Indian summer," Leah shivered.

"You guys can go inside and warm up, Rose and I will move the bags to your car," Alice called. In a juvenile attempt to stay together, we scrambled to the door in a huddle, laughing and tripping over each other all the way. In the exact same moment that we pushed the door open and burst into the front hall, Alice yelled, "…no, Bella, come back!"

We managed to straighten up once inside, and by then Alice and Rose had entered as well. Still giggling, I bent down to tie a shoelace that had come undone in the scuffle. I stood to face the rest when I realized Leah had stopped laughing.

"Hey, what's…"

Leaning against a post on the staircase, Edward stood before us with a pale, leggy beautiful blonde draped over him. Their lips were locked in a tight, intimate kiss. Fast as lightning, Edward pulled away from her, but she stepped closer and ran a hand across his chest, grabbing his collar to keep him close. I felt my heart stop and an audible gasp escaped my lips before I realized it had come from me. Leah grabbed my arm. My cheeks flushed bright red and I found it difficult to breathe. Finally noting our presence, they both turned to face us.

"…_shit_," Edward choked, looking at me in horror, "…Bella…"

"_Don't worry. You're human – your memory is no more than a sieve. Time heals all wounds for your kind."_

"_And your memories?"_

"_Well," he hesitated. "I won't forget. But _my _kind…we're very easily distracted." He smiled._

So that was what he'd meant by 'distractions'. At least there was one promise he hadn't broken. My eyes misted until I could barely see and my hands began to tremor. Leah, Rose, and Alice glared at them.

"I–I'm sorry," I stammered, forcing myself to look away, "I d-didn't mean t-to interrupt."

The woman flipped her mane of golden locks over a shoulder and dropped her hands from Edward's chest, her ocher eyes lighting up as she looked at me. "What a lovely surprise. You must be Bella." Her blood-red lips pulled into a small quaint smile.

"Well done, Tanya," Alice spit furiously.

"I've heard _so _much about you," the vampire called Tanya cooed, completely ignoring Alice. She took a step towards me.

Alice and Leah quickly dragged me into the sitting room. I let myself be pulled along, now in a daze. They surrounded me on the nearest couch. Rose blocked Edward's entrance. He watched helplessly from the doorway.

"Bella…" he called softly.

"Don't _even_," Rose said in a low hiss. He fixed her with a cold stare, but kept his distance.

I looked down at my hands shaking in my lap. _Her hands clutching his shirt. Running through his hair. _Like lava in a volcano about to erupt, I felt anger, a violent rage like fire that scorched my fingertips and curled my hands into fists. I clenched so hard that my nails left stinging red crescents on my palms. I saw my fingers wrapping around her throat and squeezing, hard. I saw my fists pummeling her pretty porcelain face. I saw red.

"Bella," Alice began quickly, "It's not what you think it is, I promise."

"Did you see this coming?" I said quietly, still looking down at my hands.

"Yes, but I'm not sure what happened back there…I tried to warn you, but everything was _so_ fuzzy, it happened so fast." Then I could recall her trying to stop me from stepping inside. But why? So she could tell me Edward still had feelings for me, and then laugh behind my back?

"I'm sorry you had to see that," she whispered.

Finally, I turned to her. With the knowledge that he'd hear every word, I said, "Don't apologize for that, Alice…Edward is fully entitled to doing whatever he wants and I understand that. What I don't get, though, is why you had to string me along like some dummy when you _knew_ he was already in a relationship." And enjoying it, apparently. "Maybe from Rosalie, yes…but _you_, Alice?" Perhaps I'd misinterpreted the nature of our friendship.

"Bella, I wasn't trying to-"

"Look who's back!" Emmett bellowed, walking into the sitting room. Jasper, who appeared just behind him, shot him a look. The tension in the air was unmistakable. I didn't doubt that they already knew what was going on. At that moment, I heard Tanya say, "She'll be fine, Eddie," obviously not worried that everyone could hear. Edward growled and flew upstairs. Tanya wasn't far behind. I heard a door slam and a muted thud. I shut my eyes and my hands began to tremble once more. _Why do you care? It's his life, _a small voice inside of me whispered. Gradually, the anger melted away, replaced by a melancholy calm. My hands relaxed. I set them back on my lap and looked up. Leah was watching me like a hawk. Alice was looking down. Rose joined Emmett. Emmett, who for once, had nothing to say. Jasper shook his head and looked away.

In the nick of time, the door burst open and Carlisle and Esme entered with bags of their own in hand.

"Bella," Carlisle smiled, "I see Alice finally let you go." Esme beamed at his side. Then, taking in the atmosphere, her smile faltered. Carlisle moved further into the room, watching us all.

"Is there something we should know?" he asked quietly, looking at Alice. She glanced up at him sadly, but said nothing. Rosalie was the one to come forward. She explained to him in low buzz what, I assumed, had happened, her lips nearly just vibrating, and then returned to Emmett. Esme frowned and looked at the stairwell.

"Bella, I don't quite know how to apologize for Edward's behavior," Carlisle started solemnly. "But it's wonderful to see you, and we're delighted that you decided to come this evening."

I stood up. "Actually, Carlisle, I don't think I can stay. We should be getting home now." Leah stood as well, a surly expression on her face.

Esme stepped forward. "You're leaving? It's cold out there and you haven't been with us in so long. We're having visitors…won't you please stay?"

"Well…" I said, deliberating my options. Off to the side, I caught Alice shooting Jasper a pointed look. A warm tingle of comfort and ease washed over me. I frowned at him, but he only smiled apologetically, and I felt an even stronger wave. "Alright," I sighed, "I suppose a few more minutes won't hurt." Esme's smile returned.

"Excellent," Carlisle said, offering a genial smile of his own.

Then, as if hearing their cue, two pale, beautiful women strolled into the sitting room. They both held more than a slight resemblance to Tanya, but one had luscious brown curls and the other a platinum halo of white-blond hair, straight as corn silk. Immediately, their eyes landed on Leah and I.

"Are you sure she's not one of us, Carlisle?" the brunette asked, "She's got the looks for it." She put down her bag and made her way towards us. "I'm Kate," she smiled, holding out a pale, manicured hand. I shook it and said, "I'm Bella, and this is Leah." Kate shook her hand as well.

"This is Irene," she said, motioning at her companion, who'd lagged back. "And I take it you've met Tanya."

"I have," I said with a small smile and looked down.

Kate laughed. "She's impulsive. Tanya does things without thinking, but she means no harm."

I nodded. "We bought Italian!" Esme said brightly, holding up the brown paper bags.

"Oh," Leah said. "We've already eaten."

Esme paused. "Well, it will be in the kitchen if either of you get hungry."

Alice stood to join Jasper and they shared the discreet looks that made up most of their communication. Leah and I reclaimed our spots on the sofa. Carlisle headed to engage Irene in a conversation. Kate appeared to be regaling Rosalie and Emmett with an entertaining tale. Esme bustled in from the kitchen with drinks for us.

"I'm sorry, it was a bad decision to come back here," Leah whispered, looking at me.

"No," I assured her, "aside from…Esme wouldn't have been happy if we didn't stop by."

She crossed her legs. "How are you holding up?"

"I'm fine," I said quietly.

"Fine's not a feeling."

"Well, I'm feeling it."

"Whatever," she said. "If we need to leave…"

I shook my head. "No, I'll be…fine."

"Just say when."

We were silent then. The room was almost crowded now, but somehow that only made it more apparent how alone I was. Edward and Tanya were upstairs, doing God knows what. I hadn't thought twice about it when he'd said 'distractions' but now I knew what he'd meant. I lost myself in thought and before long, Emmett and Leah were arm wrestling with Alice and Jasper as referees and Edward had finally found his way back downstairs.

With excellent timing, Emmett called to me, "Hey Bella, want to join us? Your pal has one hell of an arm." Leah shrugged modestly.

I smiled weakly, very aware of Edwards eyes on me, and said, "I don't know, Em, we just got back from shopping, these guns need a rest."

"You've been on the couch since you got here," he teased, "I'm sure you'll be fine."

"What kind of man finds pleasure in defeating the weak?" Tanya drawled playfully, appearing behind Edward. "Besides, I'm sure Bella doesn't want to play your silly games."

I ignored the jab. Tanya approached the couch I sat on. I clenched my jaw. "Tanya…" Kate warned, pausing her story.

"Calm down, Kate," Tanya brushed her off, "I just want to get acquainted."

I tried not to appear as if there was any activity I'd prefer less. As if it wasn't at all difficult to sit there with the knowledge that Edward was happy without me, and that he'd been able to move on, whereas, I was still eighteen.

"So," Tanya began. She plopped down on cushion beside me. "You're Isabella Swan, the little human that captured Edward's heart…for a while. Tell me, how did you do it?"

"Excuse me?" This was unbelievable. Did she think that seeing her all over Edward, my _ex_, would have me jumping to be best buds with her? Most of the conversation died away. Emmett and Leah continued their arm-wrestling half-heartedly, though it was painfully obvious how nearly tangible the tension in the room was. In the corner of my eye I saw Edward wincing in the doorway. Esme stood before him with a hand on her hip. Was she _scolding _him? If it wasn't bad enough that everyone knew what had happened, Edward being reprimanded by his mother made it all the more worse.

"I'm just curious," she smiled. "After all, it took me ages to get him to even look at me, and that was no simple task." Un-fucking-believable. However, I figured the best way to handle a situation like this was to just play along, show that I was okay with Edward and his pretty little gal-pal.

"I'm not sure I had to do much," I said, smiling a little. I saw Alice's jaw drop.

Tanya cocked her head. "Not even one little hint? I'm sure you must've done something. C'mon, what's your secret?"

"I don't keep secrets." At least not any that were relevant to this particular topic.

"Ah well…to each his own," she sighed. Tanya leaned closer to me and placed her hand over mine. "It must've been _so _difficult when he left you," she clucked sympathetically.

My face and my neck heated. "I got through it."

Tanya looked at me for a long while. "Well, of course you did…you're pretty enough." A slow mischievous smile spread across her face. "So," she whispered, eyes twinkling, "is there a new man in your life?"

Irene chuckled quietly. "Enough," Kate hissed at Tanya.

"Oh, hush, Kate," she frowned, then turned back to me. "We're all friends here, right? You can tell me."

I shook my head. "Not at the moment…I'm not currently seeing anyone."

Tanya pouted. "Shame. But I'm sure you had some flings in the past…?"

I closed my eyes. If there was ever a chance to make everyone believe I'd gotten over Edward, it was now. "Well…there was this one guy…"

Esme seemed frozen in shock and Rosalie rolled her eyes. By now, everyone had dropped all pretenses of minding their own business. "His name was Jacob." Edward pushed past Carlisle into an adjoining room. Leah glared at me. I shrugged.

Tanya pounced on the opportunity. "I knew there had to be something," she prodded, grinning like a lunatic. "Is he good-looking?"

"Oh yes," I smiled, looking down. _Jacob was extremely hot. _As hot as any other werewolf, that is. Carlisle looked so disappointed. I couldn't help but feel insulted. Did they expect me to completely isolate myself from society after he left? I couldn't imagine why they all looked so surprised. Did they think I couldn't handle another relationship, or that I'd be too broken to try?

"It didn't last," I said finally. Making Edward angry was never a bad thing, but I'd also saddened Esme and Carlisle in the process.

"What a pity," Tanya tutted. Before I could react, she put her lips to my ear and whispered, "How was the _sex?"_ I heard Edward's growl in the next room, followed by a loud crash. Every living…and undead being in the room froze.

"Oh my," Leah interrupted, "this chardonnay is just _lovely_."

I shook my head again and smiled. "Tanya," I said sincerely, looking down at her hand over mine, "You and I both know that we're not going to get along, so what's the point in pretending? I'm not telling you any of my deepest, darkest secrets. I mean, Edward and I know better than anyone that vampire-human relationships just don't work out."

Tanya huffed and let her hand drop to the couch. Leah and I stood.

"I _really _think it's time for us to go," I said, walking over to Carlisle.

"Don't leave on my account," Tanya muttered, only to be shushed by Kate. Esme shot her a reproachful glare.

"Perhaps that's the best idea," Carlisle said sadly. "It wasn't our intention to ruin your evening. Would you return…at a later date?"

I tried to smile. "We'll see."

Esme moved forward and took me into her arms. "I'm sorry, darling." I nodded and pulled away slowly. Then Leah and I made our way through the foyer, and approached the door. Leah pushed it open and stepped outside. Just as I moved to follow, Edward raced out the kitchen and blocked my exit. He placed a hand on the opposite wall, effectively stopping me in my tracks.

"Bella…"

I pursed my lips. This back-and-forth, fight and run routine that had become a parody of what we used to have was taking up all of my energy. I couldn't even properly be mad at him. After all, he was only acting upon the liberties that came with being free from me, and I had no wish to hold him back. Instead, I simply looked at the door, and then back at him. Leah was waiting impatiently in the cold. Eventually, Edward stepped aside and let me through. I stepped out into the night and closed the door behind me, careful not to look back. Getting the keys out of my purse, my hands shook and I fumbled with them hopelessly. "I'll drive," Leah muttered, grabbing the keys from me. I fidgeted all the way home, and not just because Leah was as reckless a driver as I'd imagined she'd be. As soon as we arrived, I jumped out of the car, threw open the door, and ran upstairs to my room. I slammed the door shut, got on my knees and began rummaging under my mattress for something I'd almost forgotten was there. Leah rapped on the door.

"Bella, are you okay?"

"I'm fine." I pushed my hands deeper inside.

"I'm sorry things didn't work out like you thought they would."

_You could say that again. _"Whatever," I mumbled. Just as I began to lose hope, my fingers brushed against the little plastic bag. I pulled it out and shoved it into my back pocket. As quickly as possible, I crept downstairs and slipped out of the house.

Upon stepping onto the park's trail, I retrieved the baggie from my pocket and shook the cigarettes and lighter into my palm. _Tanya and Edward kissing in the foyer. _I lit one and took a long pull. _Her ruby red nails running through his hair. _A dog barked in the distance. I was halfway through the second cigarette when I realized how dark it really was; I could hardly see two feet in front of me. The park was much more menacing at night. Suddenly, the trees branches were sharp, crooked, and severe, and their shadows reached out to grab any remaining light. I shivered. Stepping off the trail, I went to stand under the light of a street lamp to find out which way was home. I trudged along the sidewalk and took my time smoking to the butt.

"I hope you got that out of your system." Leah ambushed me from behind and pulled the pack of cigarettes from hand. "What the hell are you doing? I thought you quit this stuff!"

"Hey!" I protested, glaring at her. "Give those back."

"I don't think so."

I lifted the stub to my mouth and took a defiant puff. "You don't understand, okay, so just leave me alone."

She pulled the cigarette from my lips and threw it to the ground. "_I_ don't understand? How do you think I felt after seeing Sam and Emily together? Do you think I was happy to see that he'd moved on? That he was just fine without me?" she snorted.

I looked away and crossed my arms. Leah sighed.

"Believe me, Bella, I know what you're going through, I know how hard it is, but that doesn't excuse you jeopardizing your health."

"It's my body," I muttered, refusing to look at her.

She stopped and pushed me against the grimy brick wall of an old bakery. "You have a lot of growing up to do. When bad things happen, you find a way to cope; you don't fall back on old, stupid habits. You're making this so much harder than it needs to be. At least you have someone who knows what you're going through to help you survive…I had to do it alone."

"But that's not it, Leah. I wouldn't be so upset if it wasn't for how nice he was being to me earlier."

"Nice?" She shook her head. "Bella, he might not be in love with you anymore but he doesn't hate you. There's a difference between comforting someone and getting close because you're attracted to them. You shouldn't have let yourself think it meant anything more than that."

I looked at her in disbelief. "Leah, he touched my cheek…he put his arms around me. What the hell was I supposed to think?"

Leah got a firm grip on my shoulders. "Bella," she whispered, "I know it feels like the end of the world all over again, but trust me, it's really not. The sun is still coming up tomorrow. I am _here_, I will help you through this. And there are more people in Forks who'd fly to the moon in a heartbeat to help you, without even thinking about. You don't have to do this alone."

I threw my arms around her. How could I have been so quick to underestimate a friendship that had taken years to forge? The only answer I could think of was that sometimes when I was down, there wasn't always someone there to remind me of all the people who cared about me. Charlie. Renee. Jacob. Sam. Quil. Embry. Even Angela and Mike.

"So what comes next?" I whispered.

Leah stepped back. "Well. Next, you take a long, warm bath. And then we'll make some hot chocolate, and get ready to face tomorrow."

I smiled. "Sounds like a plan."


	10. Nantes

**I had absolutely no idea I was creating a legion of Tanya and Edward hating soldiers. Granted, Tanya's a bitch, but I've made her that way, and I love all my (versions of Stephenie Meyer's) characters. But I suppose there'll be some Irene-haters as well after this chapter. Speaking of which, I hope this chapter blows you away. I have packed action and emotion and so much of me into it and now I'm drained, but here it is. If anything here shocks you or seems unlike the character, that's because it comes from my anger. I've been feeling very angry lately, and it's a wonder that I fininshed this chapter, though its a week late. I think this is the climax you've all been waiting for, and it's been a long time coming.**

**Anita.**

* * *

_This used to be a funhouse_  
_But now it's full of evil clowns_  
_It's time to start the countdown_  
_I'm gonna burn it down down down_  
_I'm gonna burn it down_

Pink - Funhouse

* * *

**10. JUST ANOTHER NIGHT IN NANTES**

"_Eyes like razor blades, slicing through my skin. That I thought was so thick, but you make it thin. Your eyes slit these wrists and kill me so much better than I ever did. I don't have an excuse. I don't ask. I hold every moment as if it's the last. I haven't any protests, just these sheets that we've stained. Your eyes burn in disdain, and take any hope that I've dared to attain…I run. I run, but I'm not that fast. Footsteps vanish into forever, until it's almost like we never were. It seems we've confused love with fear, and the finish line feels so far from here. But I don't have a method to this madness. Just enjoy watching those eyes of yours slitting these wrists…and it hurts. It hurts…but it hurts so much better than doing it myself ever did." _– Anonymous

* * *

The last evening before I returned to work was spent in my pajamas. Sipping at a cup of tea, I lifted my eyes from the tattered pages of _Wuthering Heights_. My much abused copy no longer provided the comfort I'd once devoured most of the classics for. Eventually my eyes landed on the blinking red light of the answering machine. I stood and pressed the button, leaning against the countertop.

_You have five new messages._

Charlie's voice boomed from the box. _"Hey, Bells, I just called to let you know that Sue and I finally agreed on a date for the wedding, but you'll have to call back to find out! I miss ya, Jersey girl." _I made a mental note to call him back. The next message began to play.

"_Bella, it's Alice. I'm so sorry for what happened last night…that was inexcusable. Tanya was horrible to you and it wasn't fair for us to let her attack you like that. I'm sorry for the way Edward has been acting, but it's not what you think, he's only desperate. Tanya and her sisters are almost our extended family." _I wondered if Edward knew that._ "I know I owe you an apology, and I know you're hurt and angry, but I promise, there's an explanation for all of this. Don't hate me." _I sighed and hit the 'next' button.

"_Uh, hey, Bella. I guess you're out or something, but I just wanted to remind you that Jessica's baby shower is next weekend, we sent you an invitation about three weeks ago. It would be really cool if you came, but you don't have to if you don't want to…see you around." _Mike. I thought of the colorful card that I'd stuffed into a drawer some time ago. Next message.

"_Bella…what's up? It's Jake. We haven't talked in a while and I was wondering if there was something wrong. I'll probably try again, but if you could call as soon as possible…I miss you." _I guiltily pressed forward past Jacob's message.

"_Hello, this is Dr. Sherridan. Because the adoption has finalized and you are now Angel's legal guardian, I'm calling to notify you of some changes in her condition. She seems to have developed something of a slight cold last night. It's really nothing to worry about, but we've moved her to a sterilized room all the same, just to be safe. All the other volunteers are only allowed in the playroom and our standard hospital rooms because we can't risk jeopardizing the health of the other children, so it would be great if you could stop by, she's getting very restless."_

I frowned and put down my cup. Leah walked into the room.

"So are you calling Jake, or what?" she asked.

"I should, shouldn't I?" I sighed.

She pulled on a heavy jacket, but not before I got a glimpse is the revealing black dress she wore that hugged in all the right places. I also noticed the mascara and lipstick, perfectly teased hair, and the ludicrously tall heels she had on.

"Got a hot date?" I asked dubiously.

"Wouldn't you like to know," she smiled, wiggling her eyebrows. "I found this cool club downtown and I heard it's supposed to be crazy. I am _so_ ready to party."

"Ah."

"Any chance you'd be willing to come?" she asked hopefully.

"Very funny," I replied. "You know that's not my scene."

"Whatever," she shrugged, grabbing her purse. "No one likes a one-trick pony."

"Go get 'em, heartbreaker," I called as she closed the door behind her. Then I turned a around and took the phone off the hook. After a short hesitation, I dialed the long distance number to La Push. The phone rang once. Twice. Three times. After the ninth ring, I hung up, relieved that no one had picked up, but feeling guilty for being relieved and avoiding speaking to Jacob. Blowing a out a heavy breath, I put the phone back on it's hook and flew up the stairs. In ten minutes I had my coat on and was out of the door, on my way to see Angel.

***

I stood behind the glass door with Dr. Sherridan. We looked in on Angel, who flipped abjectly through a small book, blatantly unsatisfied with her new surroundings.

"Ms. Swan, there really isn't any reason to worry," Dr. Sherridan began. "In normal cases, a cancer patient's immunity is already extremely compromised, to the point where even machines and a cocktail of antibiotics would not be able to ward off a blow like this. Adding radiation treatment or chemotherapy only furthers the severity of that impairment, so a small cold would completely devastate their entire system. However, I am happy to report that we stopped her chemo treatments two weeks ago. What this means is that her white blood cells should be in good shape to fight off this small infection she's picked up, given we supply the proper medication."

I nodded, though not fully convinced.

"Would you like to go in to see her?"

"Yes," I answered hurriedly. Entering a sterilized hospital room required making adjustments to make sure nothing was contaminated, adjustments that included scrubs, a hair cap, gloves, goggles, a surgical mask, and even puffy sock-gloves that went over my shoes. As soon as I'd scrubbed up, I pulled everything on and tapped lightly on the glass door with a gloved finger. Angel looked up and her face brightened immediately. I pushed a button on the door and entered when the light turned green and it whooshed open.

"Hey, Angel," I whispered, approaching the bed.

"Hi, Bella," she said glumly. From this angle I noticed that her nose was red and she looked a bit flushed. "Where have you been?"

"I'm sorry Ange, things have been pretty crazy," I said apologetically, and I couldn't help picturing Tanya draped all over Edward.

"They put me in this room, and now I can't see my friend Abigail, or go to the playroom."

"Well, that's no fun," I agreed. "But I brought you some jello. Look, it's strawberry, your favorite."

I pulled out the small plastic cup that had passed inspection through Dr. Sherridan and a small spoon. Angel's eyes lit up. She eagerly took the cup and spoon. Then she paused.

"Actually, orange is my favorite, but I like this stuff too," she mentioned, digging with alarming speed into the brightly colored gelatin. She hadn't meant anything by the comment, but nevertheless, it bothered me. Why didn't I already know that orange was her favorite? Because there was so little I knew about her, every detail was one to cherish, but lately things had been slipping from my mind.

"Is Edward okay? He hasn't come to see me," Angel rasped, licking her red lips.

"He's fine," I assured her. _More than fine, in fact_. "The ICU keeps him very busy." _That, and other things. _"I bet he'll stop by soon, though." In all honesty, I was very doubtful of this because it seemed he only visited Angel when he knew I'd be coming to see her. Of course, that had nothing to do with any disdain for the little girl. He was only against me adopting her. Angel put down her cup and spoon.

"Are you still in love with him?" she asked, looking at me. I didn't know what to say. "Don't worry, I won't tell him," she urged me.

"Angel…"

She clapped her hands. "I know! Maybe you two can get back together, and then, when I come home with you, we will all be happy!"

I blushed and shook my head. "It's not that easy, Ange."

She frowned. "Why can't it be?" That was a question I had no answer to. Why _couldn't _things be that simple? Just then, my mobile buzzed in my pocket. Reluctantly, I accepted the call and put the phone to my ear.

"Hello?"

"Bella." It was Carlisle. "I have Leah here with me…she's just been in a motorcycle accident."

I gasped. "What?"

"I was on my way to work when I saw her fly out of control, and I pulled over and got her into the car. She didn't look too bad so I thought it would be best to look her over in my home, to avoid any unnecessary hospital expenses. She had some alcohol in her system, but not enough to do much damage. Fortunately, she doesn't seem to have suffered any major injuries, save for a few cuts and bruises," he explained calmly.

I let out a breath of relief. "So she's okay?"

"Yes," Carlisle began, "but the motorcycle is now severely impaired and I should have been at work an hour ago. Also, she seems a bit disoriented. I am against putting her in any uncomfortable positions, in the event that she does not wish to travel alone with…our kind. Would it be too much trouble for you to come pick her up?"

"Of course not, I'll be there in twenty minutes."

I looked up to see Angel pouting at me.

"You're leaving me?" she asked angrily.

I stood and gulped. "Yes."

"But you just got here, you can't leave already, don't go!" she begged, jumping down from the bed. I lunged forward to steady her as she tottered dizzily.

"Angel," I began, lifting her into my arms, "I don't want to leave, but a friend of mine is hurt."

She muttered, "I'm hurt, too."

I sighed guiltily. "I know, Angel and I'm really, _really_ sorry. I promise to visit again very soon. But you have to be okay for me, alright?"

"Okay," she murmured.

"Promise?"

"Pinky promise," she smiled linking her little finger with mine.

I smiled back regretfully, and put her back on the bed after kissing her cheek.

"Bye." I waited for the glass door to slide open, then stepped out of the room and turned around. Angel waved solemnly at me from her bed. My eyes watered. I blew her a kiss and waved back, trying to smile. Eventually, I made my way out of the hospital and onto the streets again, where the sky had darkened drastically and it had just started to snow lightly. Fifteen minutes later, I pulled into the Cullens' driveway, cursing Leah for being so careless. I hadn't planned to return for a long time.

Carlisle opened the front door and beckoned me in. "Good evening, Bella. She's just resting."

I walked in and he closed the door behind us. Leah was sprawled out on the same couch that Tanya and I had had our first – and last – heart-to-heart only two nights before.

She picked her head up with effort, shielding her eyes. "Bella…you're heeerrre," she slurred.

I shook my head angrily. "What were you thinking? Why in the hell would you get on a motorcycle after you'd been out drinking?"

"Don't be mad," she whined, "I didn't reeeally drink that mushhh, I promise."

"Well, you obviously drank enough to impair your navigation," I retorted.

"Don't yell at me, I'm tired," she murmured, closing her eyes.

I sighed and moved to help her up. Carlisle, who had slung on his bag and coat, noticed my struggle.

"Oh, let me help you," he said, setting down his things.

"I've got it." Edward walked in from the adjoining room. "You're late, Carlisle."

I felt his eyes on my back as I straightened up. Carlisle hesitated. A look passed between them that I couldn't understand. Finally, Carlisle said, "Alright. Goodbye, Bella."

"Bye, Carlisle," I replied, watching him pack his duffel with dread. Though I it was the last thing I wanted to do, I realized that I'd have to turn around at some point.

"Bella, I want to apologize for what happened with Tanya that night," Edward whispered.

I looked at him, but quickly looked way. "Please. Don't feel obligated. Save your apology, all that's between you and Tanya." I stooped low to drape one of Leah's arms around my neck and refused to meet his troubled eyes, knowing that Carlisle would be hearing everything we were about to say.

"Bella, there is _nothing_ between–"

"Are you going to help me or not?" I demanded impatiently, trying to balance our weight.

He threw his hands up in surrender, but nevertheless moved to help lift Leah from the couch. "You know," he began, holding up our luggage effortlessly, "You are quickly becoming the most difficult person to hold a civil conversation with."

"Isn't that the pot calling the kettle black?" Alice flew down the stairs with a smirk, followed by Jasper, Emmett, Kate and Esme. Edward rolled his eyes.

"Maybe that means we just shouldn't talk," I replied, hoping he'd catch the hint. Esme offered a warm greeting and I smiled back politely.

"Don't you jussst looove being a grrrown up, Bella?" Leah mumbled absently.

I gritted my teeth. "I don't think you're doing the responsibility part right."

"How has your day been, Bella?" Alice asked brightly.

I gave her a look. "Just peachy." Her smile fell a bit, but I chose to ignore that. We stumbled towards the door and leaned Leah up against the wall. Kate approached me.

"Well. It has been very pleasant meeting you, Isabella Swan," she smiled, her golden eyes twinkling. Kate held out an icy hand. "I can see why Edward was smitten." Emmett chuckled and nudged Jasper. I blushed, but shook her hand warily. "Don't worry," she laughed, "Irene and Rose are helping Tanya pack her things. I think it's time the Denali clan found their way back home."

"Oh," I said softly. "Goodbye, Kate."

"Perhaps we'll meet again on a lighter occasion," she said apologetically, dropping her hand.

I nodded.

"I mean, there was like, nooo way I could do any of thisss stuff back in La Pushhh," Leah continued, garbling away.

Kate's smile faded and she took a step back. Suddenly, Irene appeared at the bottom of the stairs. "Did you say…La Push?" she asked quietly.

"She did," Kate said cautiously. Esme frowned and Alice's eyes grew apprehensive.

Irene took a step forward. "You two wouldn't happen to know a…Jacob Black, or a Sam Uley…would you?" she persisted, her eyes now trained on me. Her voice lacked all emotion, but I sensed something volatile and raw behind her cool indifference that alerted familiar impulses to shrink from danger.

"Oh, Jake and Sam? Sure we know 'em," she slurred. Edward swore under his breath. Though whatever was happening went beyond my understanding, I hushed her angrily but she ignored my warning. "Those guys are like brothers to usss…aren't they, Bella?"

Irene shrieked and lunged for Leah's throat. "Easy!" Kate yelled, catching her sister in a vise grip. Emmett rushed forward to help and Jasper immediately sent a strong wave of calm throughout the room.

"Control yourself, Irene, don't make me have to use my strength against you!" Kate said worriedly, shaking Irene.

Irene snarled and snapped viciously, eyes on Leah and I, swinging her arms to move past the wall Emmett and Kate made around her. Nearly losing my footing, I jumped back, fumbling for the door. By then, Rose and Tanya had joined the crowd. Past reason, Irene flung out a string of obscenities. Carlisle flew in from the kitchen.

"What have you done to her?" Tanya barked angrily, fixing me with an accusing glare.

"Keep quiet, Tanya," Kate hissed.

"Irene, your fight is not with them," Carlisle asserted firmly, blocking her view of us. "Don't seek revenge by harming these two." Between Jasper's mind-numbing mediation and Carlisle's sharp, steady tone, she appeared to settle some, going from wild thrashing to a determined, fiery glare as Alice took Leah from me and led her to the car. In all the commotion, I didn't catch the way Edward's jaw tensed, or the way his hands balled into fists.

"Wha-what's this all about?" I stammered in a terrified whisper.

"You!" Irene screeched, throwing an accusing finger in my direction, her anger flaring. "Your cursed werewolves _brothers_ killed my Laurent, and I swear to it, they _will_ pay, if it's the last thing I do, believe that! Pass the message on to your allies in La Push, you stupid little human bitch!"

"Alright, that's enough." Emmett dragged her, still flailing to reach me, out of the room. Tanya, Rosalie, and Jasper weren't far behind.

Visibly torn between following and staying with the rest, Kate turned to look at me. "Bella, you do as she says. Irene does not issue any threat lightly. It is vital that you do not hesitate to inform your wolf friends of the danger ahead. I will try to stop her, but there's only so much I can do. I've never seen her so angry before," she warned me tightly, looking almost scared. I nodded, trying to push away the shock.

"Goodbye." Kate flew out of the back door.

At first, no one knew what to say. Then Alice approached me. "Bella, I can assure you, that was completely unexpected. And so was what happened the other night, with Tanya. I'm not sure but I think my visions are clearer when your friend Leah isn't around. I'd never try to fool you if I thought Edward was interested in someone else, you have to know that, Bella." She looked at me with wide, pleading eyes. I nodded slowly, still grappling for words to sum up everything I was feeling. Alice rushed forward and pulled me into a hug. She kissed my cheek and then stepped back and followed Esme out of the back door.

I let out a breath and ran a hand through my hair, unsure of what action to take next. Carlisle stepped forward. "Bella, I hate to do this, but I think it would be wise if you didn't linger, and do warn your friends in La Push to take caution. Irene is not easily angered," he said gravely.

I nodded and whispered a rushed farewell. Heeding his advice, I turned and made for the door. Before I could blink, Edward was in front of me, grabbing hold of my shoulders, his face inches from mine. "Werewolves? First motorbikes, now werewolves! Are you _trying_ to get yourself killed?" I cringed. He had no idea how close he was to the truth.

"Edward, you're hurting me," I heard myself whimper.

He released me reluctantly and the sudden shift of weight forced me to stumble back a few steps, falling right into Carlisle. "Edward," he said in a firm voice to his father, setting me upright.

"Carlisle," Edward hissed, "didn't you hear what she just said? Werewolves!"

"E-Edward," I stuttered, "why are you getting so angry? Jacob wouldn't ever hurt me, he knows how to control himsel–"

"No, Bella, see that's what you don't understand. Those dogs have no control whatsoever over their temper, so for you to go riding around Forks on bikes with them was so reckless and…stupid. I honestly believed you were more sensible than that."

I rolled my eyes. "I don't have time for this, I need to get back home." I turned my back on Edward and headed towards the door, but in true vampire fashion, he darted in front of me and blocked my path, still in mid-rant.

"Do you just go looking for trouble Bella? Of all the unstable, uncontrollable creatures to put your trust in, you chose werewolves," he spat vehemently. "Was Jessica too _human_ for you? What the hell were you thinking?!"

"Maybe the same thing I was thinking when I was with you," I yelled. "That maybe it didn't matter what you were if we felt a certain way for each other. Jacob never let our differences tear us apart."

He shook his head. "Werewolves are aberrations of nature."

"And what are you, Edward? What makes you any less of a monster than Jacob?" I growled.

"That's besides the point, Bella, those wolves you run with are filthy mutts with a complete lack of self-control."

"They are my _friends_!" I said hotly, glaring up at him.

"Friends?" he shouted, "Those _people _are hardly even human-"

"They're more human than you are," I said coldly.

He hesitated. "You don't know the danger you were putting yourself in."

"Oh, and you do?" I snapped, taking a step towards him. "You know, because you were there with me, every step of the way, weren't you? You were there when I first realized that Jake was a werewolf, when my father nearly kicked me out because I was a zombie, and you were there when… when…" _when Seth sacrificed so much trying to protect me_.

I fiercely blinked back my tears, before glaring at Edward again. "Oh, no, I guess you _weren't _there. You were too busy with your _distractions_."

A ring of silence followed my words. I flicked a glance at Tanya, who dropped her eyes quickly with something akin to shame or chagrin. _He didn't even deny it, _I thought bitterly. I raised my eyes to meet Edward's and hoped that he could see everything I couldn't put into words. He didn't say anything.

"I'm leaving," I muttered quietly, ducking under his arm and through the door out into the hallway. "Thank you for everything Carlisle, Esme."

Then I ran for the door, flinching slightly as I flung it open and came out into the freezing cold night. The snow fell in earnest now. I set my eyes on my bike, but I only made it as far as the last porch step when I heard Edward's voice behind me.

"Bella, don't leave, I didn't mean it like that. I know I wasn't there and I'm sorry for that, but you can't be so careless about your safety-"

I whipped around, seething. "Let's get one thing straight once and for all, Edward, it is up to _me _how I behave. You don't own me, you don't control me, and you play no part in my life; correct me if I'm wrong, but that's how you wanted it, so don't you _dare _tell me what I can and cannot do."

I tried to run away again, though I knew it was pointless. He caught my shoulder and pulled me around to face him, until we were standing together, our feet practically touching in the deep snow. I looked up at Edward and wondered hopelessly why I'd let myself think that I belonged with someone so beautiful. What made it worse was the fact that I was still desperately in love with him. My chest ached with want and loss as I stepped away from him. "This conversation is over Edward, I have nothing more to say to you," I whispered, trying to turn away.

"Don't you remember what you said to me in the forest?" he said as he stopped me again, his eyes imploring. "Don't you remember the promise you made? You promised to keep yourself safe! What about Charlie and_-_"

I blinked in blatant disbelief. How could he use that night against me? How could he twist it around so that somehow, I was at fault?

"You want to talk about promises? What about the promises you made to me?" I replied, tears brimming over my eyelids. "You told me you loved me, you said 'forever'! You promised never to leave, do you remember that? And you have the audacity to call _me_ out on broken promises."

"But-"

"No!" I shouted at him, "When are you finally going to get it? You can't have it both ways, you can't leave and then try to tell me what to do, it just doesn't work like that!"

"Bella, listen to me!"

"No, Edward, I want you to listen to _me_!" My entire body was shaking now. I thought of all the times I had cried over Edward, longing for him and all the years I wasted hoping that maybe he'd change his mind and come back. "You are no longer a part of my life. It's nothing to do with you, whether I want to ride bikes or run with werewolves!"

"You could've been _killed,_"

"What, so you _care_ now?!" I spit at him. "When did you decide to start giving a shit, Edward? Was that before or after you destroyed everything I thought I knew?"

"I lied," Edward said quietly, "Bella, I lied…I _love _you."

My heart stopped.

No.

"You're sick," I spit, turning from him.

"No! Bella, you've got to believe me, I am in love with you and only you and I've always been," he said desperately.

"Don't," I croaked, "don't lie to me like that, it's not _fair_!" My voice cracked as more tears poured down my cheeks.

I loved him so much and yet here he was, _toying _with me for his own…pleasure? I felt my heart shatter and the hole in my chest rip wide open. "Is this all a joke to you?" I choked. I staggered back from him, my arms flailing blindly behind me for my bike, my only chance of escape.

"No Bella, I'm in love with you!" He followed me, "I never should have lied to you, but that's all it was, a lie!"

"Stop it!" I screamed, clasping my hands over my ears, "Stop sayingthat!"

I tried to run away from him, but I couldn't move in the snow and I fell hard onto the ground. I lay there, shivering and sobbing, and curled into myself, into a protective ball. I felt the snow sink slightly, as Edward knelt down next me. Slowly, hesitantly, he wrapped his arms around me. "You left me," I whispered weakly, "You left me on my own, you said you didn't love me."

"I know," he murmured into my ear, stroking my hair, "I know, Bella, I am so sorry. I would give anything to undo all I've done. I've spent every single second regretting it, ever since I left you in that forest." He held me, and despite myself, I clung to him. We swayed in the snow, desperately trying to keep hold of each other. The world could end, the universe could explode and none of it would matter, because at least I was with him, _touching _him. Edward turned me around so that he was looking me straight in the eyes. "Bella Swan, I love you more than anything in the world. Without you, life is meaningless. Every day since I left, I've been wishing that I could return, longing to see you, to touch you, to…kiss you." I looked away from him, unable to fit the pieces together. He looked so sincere, but his words made no sense to me at all. If he loved me, then why would he ever leave? Why didn't he come back straight away? It couldn't be true. It just didn't make sense. "If you love me, then why… how could you leave_?_" I whispered, my eyes wide and full of tears.

"I wanted you to be safe," he murmured, "I wanted you to have a chance at a normal, happy, human life. Every moment I was with you, I was constantly putting you in danger and preventing you from living in the world you belong to. After what happened with James I knew I couldn't risk being around you… but I was too selfish, too weak to leave. But after what happened on your birthday, after Jasper nearly attacked you… I knew I had no choice. Leaving was the only way to make you safe, the only way for you to live the life you were supposed to have."

I was speechless. _He left to keep me safe? _"Well, why didn't you respect me enough to tell me the truth?" I asked, still confused.

"Would you have let me go?" he asked quietly.

_No._

I looked away. "That doesn't justify lying to me."

"No, Bella, it doesn't. I thought it would be better that way. A clean break. I thought that maybe it would make it easier for you to move on, to heal…"

"_What_?" I asked, squirming out of his embrace as I stared at him in incredulity. "Do you have any idea what that lie _did _to me?" I asked him, my voice unconsciously raising an octave. I scrambled to my feet, my eyes still fixed on Edward. He looked taken aback, as though he had not at all anticipated this response. "I…"

"You broke my heart, Edward!" I shouted. I could feel the anger from before bubbling up inside of me again. I lost six years of my life, and for what? So he could keep me 'safe, happy and normal'?

He looked pained by my accusation. "Bella I'm sorry!" he cried, leaping to his feet and stepping towards me. "I was trying to do what I thought was best for you."

"That's bullshit!" I yelled, glaring at him.

"I wanted to protect you, I wanted you to be safe," he repeated again, his voice weakening. It was obvious that he knew his excuse was only sounding more transparent by the second. He seemed to decide on a change of tact and stepped towards me, lowering his voice to a murmur, his eyes like liquid gold. "Bella," he crooned in the velvety voice that had always managed to drive me crazy with lust, "I love you." He watched me, waiting. For a moment, I was like a snake caught by his charmer, transfixed by his beauty. Then, I noticed the small hopeful smile curling around the corners of his lips. It was as though something snapped in my mind, adjusting my perspective. I loved Edward, of course I did, but he wasn't going to charm his way out this situation. I wasn't going to be as forgiving as I would've been at eighteen; in fact, the more I thought of his reasons for leaving, the angrier I became.

"You wanted me to be happy, Edward?" I shouted at him, "You wanted me to be normal? Well here I am!" I was crying again, huge trembling sobs building up in my chest, threatening to consume me. "Here I _am_, living my normal, happy, perfect fucking life. Isn't it great? Doesn't it just look _perfect_?"

The snow fell thick and fast. I was soaked all over my body from where I had fallen on the ground and I could feel my hair clinging to my back and water streaming down my face, the melted remains of the snow mingling with the salty warmth of my tears. I imagined the Cullens standing on the porch_. Everyone watches, while crazy Bella loses her shit._ Enjoy the show. It didn't matter, none of it mattered anymore.

"Is this what you wanted Edward?" I screamed at him again, "For me to still feel like this after six years? Are you happy now? I really hope so, because one of us should be happy with the way things turned out and it sure as hell isn't me." I shook as I stared into his eyes.

"I made a _mistake_, Bella!"

"No, Edward…you made a _choice_," I whispered, exasperated.

"I never meant to hurt you, all I ever wanted was for your life to be normal-" he pleaded.

"But you _did _hurt me, Edward," I countered. "Nothing about my life has ever been normal…_I_ am not normal, so how could you possibly believe that leaving would change any of that?"

"…I guess I thought I was giving you another chance at being happy," he said hoarsely.

"I was happy before!" I cried, my shoulders heaving, "I was happy with _you_, with my life the way it was. Why did you have to ruin it? You took _everything_ from me. I can't live, without being reminded of you. I see you everywhere, in my dreams, my memories and my nightmares. I fall asleep and I all I think about, all I dream about is you. I suppose I'm lucky in that my body has the capacity to bear children, but I can't share that happiness with anybody because I don't think I'll ever be able to properly love any other person that way. I can't even look into another man's eyes, without feeling like I'm _betraying _you!"

I let out a bitter, mirthless laugh, "How ridiculous is _that_? I feel like _I _betrayed _you_. Do you like the fact that I haven't been with a guy in years? That at the age of twenty-three I've had sex _once_, and that I cried the entire way through?" Edward winced and I pounced on the reaction immediately.

"Oh, I'm sorry, does it bother you to think of me with Jacob? Of our bodies pushing together as he tried to give me what you never could?"

"Enough, Bella," Edward begged. I could see that I had really hurt him, but I was too far gone to feel anything but a sick sort of satisfaction.

"Why?" I screamed. "Why shouldI stop? It's just sex, why does that disgust you so much? We're both mature adults here, right? Or is it just me that makes you sick? Am I not blonde enough?"

"No! It's not like that, Tanya isn't -"

"Did you laugh at me?" I accused him. "You and Tanya? Did you both joke and laugh about how foolish I was?"

"Bella, believe me, you don't know what –"

"You know what? I don't want to know. I don't care what you say anymore Edward, I don't give a damn. Either way, you lied to me. I don't know if you _ever _loved me, because it seems to me if you had, you wouldn't have left, or you would've already came back for me. You destroyed everything I thought I knew, everything I was so sure of, and now you come back after six years – _six years_ – and try to act like everything is going to be okay?" I shook my head. "Well it's not. You can't heal that kind of hurt, and even if you could, you'd never ever be able to undo what happened…what happened to Seth."

"What? I don't understand-"

"No, of course you don't understand, because you_ weren't there_. If you had been, none of it ever would have happened." That's what Jacob thought; he had maintained from the beginning that it was all Edward's fault. That it was the Cullens who had put me in danger in the first place. I had never agreed with him, but in this moment and time when I was so angry with Edward, it was simply so much easier to blame him. Doing so couldn't make me any more of a terrible person than I already was.

I shook my head, the tears threatening to fall. "You know what's so ironic about it all? Your plan completely backfired."

"What do you mean?" He looked at me as confusion at my words crept into his eyes.

"You might as well have let James finish me off."

Edward flinched. "What do you mean?" he asked.

I closed my eyes. He had to know, I told myself, the implications of his decision. "Victoria," I finally whispered, in a voice so low that the words were nearly snatched from my lips by the howling wind.

"_Victoria?"_ he hissed.

I nodded slowly, trying to ignore the panic constricting my throat.. "She came back for me," I continued, remembering the first day I had seen Victoria's flame-red hair skimming the waves at La Push. "The summer after you left. She wanted vengeance for James's death and she thought the best way to do that was by killing me- to hurt you like you had hurt her; mate for a mate."

My heart raced even just thinking about that night, but I pushed through it. "She teamed up with Laurent and they stalked me for weeks. Of course, it only made her angrier that you killed James to save me, and then you just left."

Edward tried to interrupt me but I just shook my head fiercely. "No! Don't say you're sorry; I don't want to hear it! No matter how many times you apologize, it will _never_ undo what happened. So just don't." He opened his mouth again, but shut it firmly, his expression tortured.

"Victoria and Laurent followed me for weeks. At school, at work or home, they would be there. But they didn't attack me. They _couldn't _attack. Everywhere I went, I was guarded by the werewolves. Those '_filthy mutts_' are the only reason I'm here now." I narrowed my eyes at Edward. "While you were enjoying your distractions and staying away for my benefit the wolf pack were risking their lives to protect mine." I didn't wait for an answer, pausing only to take a breath before I finished my story. "It went on for almost two months. I couldn't go out anymore. I couldn't risk putting even more people in danger but I never let Charlie out of my sight. And then it all stopped. Victoria and Laurent just disappeared. We were sure that it was just a trick, that they would reappear within days, but another month passed with absolutely no sign of them. I was so sure that this time they had gone for good, that I was finally free. I tried to convince the wolves that there was no need for them to guard me anymore. They spent so much time protecting me. They refused at first. But then… one of the pack elders died. The wolves went to the funeral, but they were reluctant to leave me. I begged Sam to let the guys go. I told them that I wasn't in danger anymore, that I would be fine for one night."

I shook my head with guilt. _I was so careless_. Edward watched me, pain and sorrow in his eyes. "After hours of persuading, Sam agreed to reduce my guard for a night. He left me with one of the youngest of the werewolves… _Seth_." I winced. "He was only 15 at the time. No one expected him to attend the funeral, so he stayed with me." I let out my breath in a long whoosh, casting my eyes up to the snow-filled night sky. "At first everything was fine. Seth waited at the edge of the woods outside my house while I got ready for bed. It was getting cold so I made him come inside." That was such a mistake. We'd both thought Victoria and Laurent were long gone by then.

"But I woke up at midnight and I knew something was wrong. Everything was just too quiet…I looked up and she was there, in my room." I shivered. "I heard Seth fighting Laurent. I fought, trying to get to Seth, but I tripped and fell. I thought I was going to die." I paused and squeezed my eyes shut. "Then Seth came out of nowhere. He'd managed to kill Laurent, all by himself, without phasing once." _He was so brave._ "But he thought he was invincible. He threw himself at Victoria and tried to fight her."

I remembered the way she had twisted and turned, uncontrollable as fire, with hands like claws and gleaming, razor-sharp teeth. Seth had seemed tiny in comparison. I shivered. _There had been so much blood._

"I knew he wouldn't make it. I didn't think I would either. I shouldn't have." I closed my eyes. "After she…finished with Seth…"

I remembered waking to Jacob's panicked shouts.

"_Bella?! Bella!" Jake's terrified voice shattered the night, pulling me sharply from the depths of my unconsciousness. His impossibly warm hands gripped my shoulders, shaking me sharply awake as he continued to yell brokenly into the otherwise terribly silent night. "Bella! Oh God, Bella please wake up!" _

_I wrenched my eyes open to see him hovering inches above me. "Jake…" I rasped. _

"_Bella!"_

"_Jake, Victoria came after me, she was here! She attacked me while I was sleeping, I couldn't-"_

"_I know Bella, I know-"_

"_I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have told Sam it was safe," I stopped. "S-seth! Jake, where is he?" I cried hysterically, my eyes searching around wildly. They fell on a group of figures standing in the darkness between the trees. Some were on their knees, some standing; all had identical looks of grief on the shadowy faces. Jake followed my gaze. _

"_Oh, God…" he choked, launching forward and sprinted towards the group. I squinted after him as he ran and saw him join the rest of the pack, pushing his way through the others. Miraculously, I managed to stumble to my feet and follow, clutching at my side. And even though I knew it would be Seth, I screamed and screamed, not stopping, not even when Charlie came running out of the house. His body was disfigured so grotesquely, so completely that it was difficult to tell what belonged to him and what didn't._

_Seth._

I opened my eyes again and was almost surprised to find myself shivering outside in the Jersey snow instead of by the forest in Forks. My eyes started itching. The pain manifested itself as the hard edge of a blade in my voice. "Once the wolves arrived, they took care of things. Victoria didn't stand a chance. But Seth…" I struggled to control my tears and looked up to see Edward watching me.

"He was killed?"

And then the anger dissolved, and tears of shame trickled down my cheeks. "He was young and inexperienced. She tortured him. It was too much for him to take."

I had barely noticed that Edward had closed the distance between us during my last speech. His hair was flecked with snow; there were flakes on the ends of his eyelashes, framing his golden eyes. He was like a statue in a snow-covered garden, so beautiful it hurt to look at him but with a cold, unreal air to his appearance. I looked up at him, my heart aching.

"Do you see it now?" I asked him brokenly. "Do you see how that one decision set off a chain reaction of events that are way bigger than us? You left and Laurent came back. Seth killed him, and then Victoria killed Seth. The pack killed Victoria and now…now Irene wants to kill me, Leah, and the wolves. One _stupid _decision. How does it feel to know that all of it can be traced back to you?"

"Bella, I'm so sorry, I didn't know…" he moved to pull me into his arms but I pushed him away, fiercely trying to blink away my tears. He stumbled back.

"No, Edward! You can't just…_touch _me and make everything okay again. That might have worked when I was eighteen, but not now, not after everything that's happened. Not after Victoria, after Seth. I was so in love with you…" my shoulders slumped, and I knew there was no use in pretending, "I still am. But I hate you because you left and because you didn't come back. I hate you because your reasons for leaving were so _stupid_, because I spent the last six years of my life crying myself to sleep and because I broke Jacob's heart when I couldn't get over you…and maybe that was my fault for investing so much in a relationship that turned out to be total shit. I tried so hard to make him happy, but it wasn't enough. I hate you because we were so good together, but you ruined it, you went and _fucked_ it up! But most of all, I hate you for you not realizing Victoria would come after m-me and for Seth d-dying and for you not _being _thereto save m-me like you always said you would be."

"But I still love you. I love you so much that it hurts sometimes. I'd still trade anything to be with you, for it to be like you'd never left, for us to be together again. I'm trying really hard, but every few nights or so, you pop into my dreams. I just can't get rid of you like you got rid of me, and I _hate_ that."

"Bella, I'm so, so terribly sorry, I don't know how else – what else I can do, say…"

Here I was, ranting, firing all kinds of insults at him, and he just took it and kept apologizing. This only made me angrier, and I seethed, searching for something that would _really_ hit home, something that would get a reaction out of him.

"You know what, Edward? You're a coward, you're a terrible fucking monster for what you've done, and you were right, I would've been so much better off if you never came into my life!"

I saw his frame shudder, but he said nothing. Instead, Edward wrapped his arms around my legs, begging for forgiveness. I recoiled, pushing him off of me.

"Bel- "

Before I could stop myself, I struck out and slapped him across the face, hard. My mind spun in horror and my hand throbbed. Though it probably hurt me a lot more than it did him, it was the meaning behind it that said it all. After the shock wore off, he simply hung his head. And still, despite everything, I could not help getting even angrier.

"God, you're pathetic!" I shrieked. "C'mon, fight back. Don't grovel, it's far too late for that now!"

"I know," he whispered hoarsely. Slowly he got his feet without looking me.

"I never want to see you again," I spit, glaring at him. The lie burned in my mouth like acid.

Without another word, he turned and headed back to the house.

My face fell as I watched his back. Shame and regret flashed hot in my cheeks. I couldn't just send him away; I still wanted him so badly. Dizzy, flustered, and confused, I cried out, "Wait!"

He stopped.

Just like that, all of my bravado dissolved and I only had this chance. Edward turned to face me, not bothering to close the distance between us, or even meet my eyes. I gulped, and then forged on.

"Why did you leave?" I cried softly, though I already knew. My lips quivered.

There was no point in trying to stop the tears now; they fell and burned little holes into the settling snow, branding my pain in the blinding white for anyone who cared to see. My throat was raw. I ached all over. The cold nipped at my ears and nose. I was completely spent. Never in my life had I felt so small, standing there in a blizzard, and he said nothing. I moved forwards under his burning gaze.

"I'm not perfect. I'm clumsy. I make lots…_lots_ of mistakes. And I'm not gorgeous. But I could've made you happy," I sniffed, stepping even closer to him. "We could've been happy together."

Without words or warning, before I could do anything to stop him, Edward pulled me to his chest, crushing me against him and smashing his lips against my own. I was so surprised by the action, so shocked to be touching him in this way after all the times I'd yearned for it, that at first I could do nothing but respond. I deepened the kiss and wrapped my arms around his neck, clinging onto him like I would never let go. His kiss was not at all like the careful ones I remembered; it was desperate and intense, setting my insides on fire and making me feel more alive than I ever had in all of my life. We went at each other like never before, biting, kissing, pulling, tugging. His arms wound themselves tighter around me and my fingers twisted into his hair. I could hear, feel, taste and smell him. He was everything and he surrounded me completely. But after a few seconds, after the initial shock had passed, a dreadful tugging began at the corners of my mind. _There's something wrong._ Ignoring the thought, I pulled in even closer, as close as two bodies could get, and we almost seemed to meld into one. _Something's missing_. In one last desperate attempt to push the thought out of my head, I really threw myself into it. The kiss grew hot and violent, our hands grasping and tongues exploring. I kissed him as deeply as I could, probing, searching for what was missing, where we'd gone wrong…but it wasn't there. Not here, not in this moment, and not with him. _This isn't right. This isn't how it should be. _We began to lose steam. I stopped responding long before he about this kiss was wrong; the time, the place…all of it. I hadn't even decided whether I wanted to _forgive_ Edward yet, let alone kiss him. Exerting all the strength I could muster, I pushed my hands hard against his iron chest. He released me almost immediately, eyes alight with conflicting emotions. I stared at him, my cheeks red and my breathing heavy. I didn't know what to say. How could I explain the way my heart was pounding and my entire body trembling? The way I couldn't feel how I'd used to about him, or the way I would never completely forgive him for all I was put through? "I…" I stopped, unable to voice how I was feeling. _I'm not ready for this_. I needed time to think, time to process the entirety of the night's revelations. I suddenly felt like the world was condensing, trapping me. "I have to go," I gasped, averting my gaze from his face, "I-I'm sorry… I can't do this…I…" I didn't finish the sentence; I didn't know how to. Without another word or glance backwards I turned and sloshed as quickly as I could through the snow, to where my car was waiting for me. I jumped in and fired up the engine. If Edward called my name, his voice was lost under the roar of the engine and the crying of the wind. I didn't look back as I pulled away and swerved erratically towards the highway, leaving the Cullens, the house, and Edward far behind.

* * *

_Well it's been a long time, long time now_  
_Since I've seen you smile_  
_And I'll gamble away my fright_  
_And I'll gamble away my time_  
_And in a year, a year or so_  
_This will slip into the sea_  
_Well it's been a long time, long time now_  
_Since I've seen you smile_

_Nobody raise your voices_  
_Just another night in Nantes_

Beirut - Nantes


	11. Yellow Angels

**Sorry for the delay. A close friend passed away early in June. She was one of my best friends and she was only seventeen. For a long time, I couldn't write anything at all, so I hope that explains. Enough about me. This is a long one, so I wouldn't suggest reading it all in one sitting. To make this easier, I've divided this chapter into two parts. My mind is a mess right now, so if any of this sounds sloppy, I apologize.**

**ANITA.**

* * *

_I'm the hero of the story_  
_Don't need to be saved_  
_I'm the hero of the story_  
_Don't need to be saved_

Regina Spektor - Hero

* * *

**11. YELLOW ANGELS**

**PART I:**

I fought to contain my swelling hysteria as we drove away. Tremors of shock reduced my hands to useless appendages as I struggled to keep a firm hold on the steering wheel. My heartbeat pounded in my ears, making it nearly impossible to think, along with the rasp of my lungs as I labored to resist hyperventilation. Only one thought stood bright and clear in my mind: _get away_. I knew how easy it would be, just how little it would take for me to turn the car around and run back into his arms. Just as I began to regain control, the feel of his lips on mine made me cringe, and I fervently, vehemently regretted pushing him away, denying myself of any comfort or pleasure. My eyes welled with remorseful tears, and the road swam before me. Suddenly, a horn blared angrily and a flood of headlights cut through the falling snow, glaring in our direction. I swerved just in time, quickly realizing I'd drifted into the wrong lane, and only scraped the bumper of the other car.

"Bella, let me drive," Leah said firmly, sobered by the rush of adrenaline.

I hastily swiped an arm over my eyes and concentrated on the road, not bothering to answer. The wind whipped the thick snowfall in white, swirling columns that obscured my vision as I tried to feel out the way back. Eventually, the snow thinned and I pulled into the driveway. Leah and I scrambled out of the car and trudged through the slush. When finally inside, I threw off my jacket and squeezed out of my wet shoes. Leah did the same, and after which, headed straight for the kitchen. I peered after her suspiciously but felt too drained to investigate. As I tried to push the feeling of his arms around me out of my head, she emerged from the pantry and produced two large, party-sized bottles of Smirnoff Ice. My face pulled into a grimace.

"Where did that stuff come from?" I asked, irritated. "The only alcohol I buy is for decoration, like the Dom and the Pinot Grigio."

She looked at me knowingly and pulled two wineglasses from a cupboard. "I thought we'd need these soon."

"Hey," I protested weakly, "those glasses are for guests."

"What guests?" she smirked.

"Don't you know when to stop? You totaled your bike. But I guess that doesn't really matter anymore, does it? No, you can just get shit-faced drunk again, and everything will be just fine." I turned and headed for the stairs. Images of Edward in the snow flashed one after the other in a poorly constructed montage, each bring its own dose of ache.

Leah stalked out of the kitchen after me, alcohol and tumblers in hand. "Ok, I'm really sorry about being so irresponsible and taking you away from Angel, but nobody's doing any more driving tonight, especially in this weather, so that's not an issue." She set the drinks down on the coffee table. "We don't have to be so careful right now."

"We?" I shook my head. "I think you're missing the point. I'm going to bed, Leah. I refuse to aid you in your descent to alcoholism."

Leah rolled her eyes. "And maybe it won't solve anything, but you never know. _In vino veritas_, as they say. Who says we can't find an answer at the bottom of a wineglass?" she grinned. I glared at her, even while realizing that the heart of my irritation was not about her drinking. My shoulders slumped and I began to climb the stairs.

"Bella," she called, her voice softening, "look at me, honestly, and tell me you can sleep soundly after what just happened." She paused, allowing me to reply. I said nothing. "Sometimes it's good to have an escape from all the crap in your life. I'm pretty sure you need the booze more than I do."

The big blow-out with Edward felt almost surreal and frayed at the edges, as if in a dream, but the brush of his lips against mine was a sore reminder that it had happened. After a split-second of consideration, I slowly made my way back to the living room. Leah smiled and rubbed her palms together. "Let the games begin…."

Two hours later, Leah and I sat back to back on the floor against the couch, halfway through the second bottle.

"I mean, I was like, _really_ horrible to him."

"You were."

"And he looked so hurt!"

"Devastated."

"But he had to know, right? I had to tell him."

"Of course."

"…I can't believe I just left him like that."

"Poor guy. You did, but at least the worst is over."

"I feel so confused. I still want him, so much, but there's…like, _sooo_ much between us."

"Bummer."

"This sucks."

"Been there, done that."

"We are so wasted."

"An astute observation. The Russians know their alcohol."

"Oh, Edward," I slurred. "Why does love have to hurt so much?"

"That's the million-dollar question," Leah replied, "but maybe we'll find the answer at the bottom of _this_ bottle." She filled her glass and reached over to sloppily tip some into mine.

"Still looking?"

"Hope springs eternal."

My eyes began to water. "Love really does suck," I whispered sadly.

"Then good riddance," Leah smirked, raising her glass. "Dry your tears, Bella, I am making a toast."

"Hear, hear," I encouraged her.

"To hell with crying into pillows and stressing over men. Let's just have one night without worrying about relationships," she declared.

"That, my dear, may be the finest toast in all of history," I mumbled, and then we clinked glasses. I took a lazy sip.

"Bella, this is a momentous occasion," Leah drawled disapprovingly. "Bottoms up, babe."

"Ace advise." I threw back the contents of my glass, then drained the remaining vodka in bottle, letting the bitter, searing liquid burn down my throat. The alcohol went straight to my head, deepening the satisfying buzz that erased everything. Off in the distance, I heard a loud roar that I thought to be the snow truckers clearing and salting the roads. I managed to throw a look over my shoulder. Leah's body had gone slack and her head lolled to the side. Sighing, I assumed she was out for the count.

"Weeeellll, the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon! Little Boy Blue and the man in the moon…" she bellowed suddenly, singing off-key.

I laughed, and joining in, I wailed, "When you comin' home, son? I don't know when, we'll get together then, Dad…"

As the night grew old, we warbled in unison, "We're gonna have a good time then…"

* * *

Sunlight streamed in through the shades of my window, slicing over me in odd angles. I opened my eyes slowly, which was a mistake. I shrieked, fell from the edge of my bed, and hid from the rays of light almost like a…vampire. If I'd had any idea that things would only get worse, I would have remained on the floor, becoming better acquainted with the carpet. As usual, Leah was nowhere to be seen. I slowly showered and got ready to step out. I'd already made it to the Audi when I realized that I didn't have my ID badge.

Back inside, I finally unearthed the fugitive card from the back pocket of a pair of jeans I'd worn a couple days earlier. I shoved it into my bag and pushed myself off the floor. Through the walls, the sounds of hurried shuffling and bags zipping caught my attention. I walked out into the hallway to investigate the commotion. I reached Leah's room and peered inside. Leah flung a wrinkled t-shirt into the open suitcase on her bed, her hair messy and face flushed.

I pushed the door open and slowly stepped inside. Leah stopped and turned around, wringing a bunched up sweater in her hands. I frowned. "What are you doing?"

She sighed. "I was really hoping you wouldn't be home for this." Throwing the sweater in with the rest of her clothing, she returned to the closet and began gathering her shoes.

"Wait…you're packing your things," I realized. "You're leaving? Why are you leaving? Is it me, was it something I said?"

She spared me a disbelieving glance over her shoulder and shook her head. "Being your friend has certainly been a lesson in patience."

"What do you…what are you trying to say?"

Dumping her shoes in another suitcase, she finally turned to give me her full attention. "I'm trying to say that I can't do it anymore."

"I don't understand," I said, confused, "You can't do _what _anymore?"

"I thought that you were just going through a stage when we were younger," she replied, throwing up her arms. "I thought you were suffering just like I had when Sam left me, and I tried to help you and pass on my knowledge, and I gave you time, but it's been six years. I got here a couple months ago, thinking you'd be better, and at first, you were. But after a while, I realized that you were almost exactly the same, and nothing I can do will ever change that. I can't keep cleaning up the aftermath whenever you fall apart."

My mind began to race. "What are you even talking about, where is this coming from all of a sudden?"

"All of a sudden? I didn't just realize this overnight, Bella; it's been a long time coming," she said firmly.

"_What_ have you realized?" I demanded, beginning to panic. "What is this big revelation that is forcing you to – "

"You're selfish, Bella!" she said quietly. "You've been really, really selfish."

I blinked.

"…What?"

Leah ran a hand through her hair in frustration. "I gave you six years grace to sort yourself out, but I think that was much too generous because I'm now realizing that instead of moving forward, like I hoped you might, you took two steps back."

"I don't believe you," I whispered, glaring at her.

She shrugged. "Of course you don't. But if no one else was going to tell you, then I might as well."

I shook my head. "So this is what you think? You've got it all figured out, have you? I'm selfish. And tell me, how did you come up with that, huh?"

"Six years?" Leah began. "Six years. Don't you think that's a bit much, Bella? Its unhealthy to still be grieving a dead relationship after that long. And I bet you didn't consider how that made us feel, your friends and family. That we weren't enough to keep you happy, and that we were specks on your radar compared to Edward, the one who lied and left you while we were always there. You know, you're not the only one who's ever been broken up with."

I fell silent, feeling a deep-red blush creep up my neck.

"That's not even the biggest thing," she added. At that moment, I remembered all too well how relentless Leah could be when she was really pissed. "When you first started with Edward, didn't any warning bells go off in your head? No 'buyer beware!' alarms? You jumped into that mess pretty knowingly. Did you not consider how dating a vampire might come with its own consequences?"

"It was never about that…what he was…" I said in a small voice.

"And what about Jacob?" Leah pushed on. "I've tried to come to any another conclusion about that, but I can't help thinking that it was your fault. You _knew_ that you were in no shape to be in a relationship, but you still got involved with him, lead him on. At one point he actually thought you were over Edward, but you just ended up breaking his heart and making the both of you miserable. It was really unfair. And you _still _haven't told him that the Cullens are back. He's always been so good to you."

"Thank you for reminding me what kind of person I am," I whimpered, trembling. "I can't help that the only way I know how to love is whole-heartedly. I'm _sorry_ that it makes me do dumb shit and make stupid fucking choices, even if they aren't for the best. Is it wrong of me to want to make everyone around me happy?"

She rolled her eyes. "You know what it is? You just allow so much opportunity for disaster and negativity. You invite all these bad feelings to wreak havoc inside you. Tell me, do you enjoy all the drama in your life? All the unnecessary suffering?"

"Oh yeah, Leah I fucking love it!" I snorted. "I am just soaking it up!"

"Does it make you feel wise and 'above it all' to know that you've gone through a lot more trouble than most people are willing to live with?" she pressed.

"I don't invite negativity, it finds me," I barked. "What about Seth? I think his death probably had some adverse effects on me, don't you?"

"What about _me_?" Leah exploded. "Huh? What about me, Bella? I think it's safe to say that I lost a lot more than you did when he died. He was my brother! You don't think that was hard for me to get past that? You don't think that took a toll on _my_ conscience?"

I stopped. And looked at her, really looked. Years of unexpressed pain were written into the grooves of her furrowed brows and the curve of her full lips. Her eyes were tired and teary. I gazed more intensely, unable to believe that I hadn't noticed it before. Breathing hard, she held my eyes a moment longer, and then looked away.

I held out a hand to her. "Leah…I'm so sorry. I never knew… I never thought about…"

"That's exactly what I'm talking about," she muttered, pulling out of my reach. "You're selfish. We all had reasons to feel guilty about what happened to Seth. I was his older _sister_, and I failed to protect him like I was supposed to after our father died. And my Mom. She lost her husband one year, and her only son the next. We couldn't look at each for months."

I swallowed uneasily. "Leah, I had no idea it was that bad, I didn't know – "

"And what about Jacob?" she continued. "They were practically brothers. The rest of the wolves, they had to feel each other's pain on top of their own. Jacob was the only one willing to phase for a long time." _Jake_, I thought. "And Sam…the alpha, the leader of the pack, what about him? Emily couldn't get a word out of him the first couple of days. We all felt like shit, like we had to find something to blame, because _someone_ dropped the ball along the way. And you were there, the whole time, but you couldn't see past your own misery."

She turned from me, looking at the ground with her arms crossed. Her shoulders shook and she didn't look quite so strong.

"Leah…"

"I shouldn't be here," she interrupted, resuming her packing. Leah zipped up the suitcase and I abruptly realized that she was actually leaving.

"You don't have to go," I began.

"Yeah. I do."

I bit my lip. "So what am I supposed to do now?"

Leah turned to face me once more. "You grow up, Bella. That's the only choice you have. Grow up and move on, because life can throw some horrible shit at you, and if you don't keep moving, you will be left behind. That's what you do when life fucks you over, when it shoves adversity down your throat. You grow up, get your shit together, and you move on, because whether you like it or not, the world is not going to stop for some fifteen year-old kid that got caught up in something he shouldn't have or a little girl with cancer. The sooner you realize that, the better."

I nodded, pressing my lips together.

"And please use your head," she added. "It's okay to feel with your heart, but you have to think with your brain. You need to find a balance between feeling sympathy for others, and doing what's right for you. Most importantly, Bella, you have to stop blaming yourself for anything negative that happens. There are just some things that we have no control over."

She finished with a level stare at me, and then bent down to pick up her suitcase. I walked her to the door. She paused and offered a wry smile. "Here's lookin' at you kid."

Despite myself, I smiled too. "We'll always have Paris."

* * *

Extremely hung over, I walked into St. Jude gripping a thermos of hot coffee and wearing the darkest pair of sunglasses I could find. I approached the front desk, where Dr. Sheridan had left a message for me with the sunny receptionist.

"Ms. Swan?" she asked, her eyes brightening.

"Yeah."

"Dr. Sheridan wanted me to inform you that Angel has been moved from the sterilized room and back into her old one," she reported, smiling away. I nodded, and after scrubbing up, went in to see her.

Angel sat in the bed with her hands folded on her lap. Her eyes followed me sharply as I entered the room.

"Why are you wearing sunglasses inside?"

"No reason," I muttered, then took them off and squinted against the light. "Here, I brought your jello. Strawberry this time."

"You look tired," she remarked, taking the cup of jello.

I sighed. "So do you."

She ignored me. "Edward was here this morning. He told me a story."

I stopped. "What about?" I asked carefully, taking a seat beside the bed.

Angel met my eyes. "About a boy, a girl, and a piano. He told me they were in love, the boy and girl. He said the boy didn't really know who he was until she came along, and that she made him better every day. She always knew exactly what to say, and it seemed like she could read his mind. She made him laugh and never did anything he expected her to do. He was fascinated by her. She had the biggest brown eyes he'd ever seen, and he loved her more than anything in the whole wide world. Do you know the story?"

I swallowed, my cheeks flushing. "Yeah…I might've heard it somewhere."

"Well one day," Angel continued, "he took her to meet his family, and they loved her. After that, the boy and girl talked for a while, and finally, he took her to his piano. Edward said all he did was play a lullaby about how she made him feel, and then she cried, but they were happy tears. From then on, they were very close, and she was the reason for everything he did. But then something happened. The boy told a little lie. He only said it to protect her, but it ruined everything. She'd never understand how much it hurt him too, but it did. He lost her."

The only sound in the room was the hum of the EKG. Angel clutched the jello cup, looking at me expectantly.

I looked down. "Was that all he said?"

"He also said that she was beautiful, and smart, too…but she didn't know it. He said that she was always the best part of him."

I blinked, and then put the glasses back on to hide my eyes. "Well, tell Edward that he's a big fat liar," I sniffed. "I…_she_ did not fully cry at the piano, it was like, _one_ tear."

Finally, Angel shrugged. "He's not the best storyteller."

I nodded, thinking hard. "Did he…did he ask about me?"

She tapped her chin. "No. But I think he wanted to. He _did_ say that there are going to be a lot of big changes soon."

I immediately lost myself in thought. I'd been avoiding thinking about it, but it was true. I would soon be facing some of the biggest changes of my life, and I was by no means ready for it.

"Bella," Angel said softly, breaking my attention. "You're crying."

I looked up and smiled apprehensively. "I'm just scared, Angel. Really scared."

"Well, don't be," she quipped, smiling. "I'll take care of you."

I laughed. "Alright."

Suddenly, she pouted. "Bella, how am I supposed to eat this jello without a spoon?"

I smiled wryly and got up. "I'll be right back, your Highness."

I journeyed to the cafeteria and back, with the spoon, all the while keeping an eye out for any stray Cullens. For whatever reason, the stucco walls and tiled floor of the corridor seemed especially dull that day. I reached the room faster than I'd expected.

"Angel," I started, walking in, "you should really be with all the other kids in the playroom, I'm sure your friends miss – "

Angel's face was nearly purple and she rasped loudly, squirming on the bed. The spoon clattered to the ground and I rushed to her side.

"Angel!" I yelled, grabbing her. "Angel, can you tell me what's wrong? Can you breathe?"

Her eyes filled with tears, almost bulging out of their sockets.

"_Shit_," I swore, panicking. I leaned over to punch the call button. "Nurse! We need help in here, she can't breathe!"

Angel's fingernails clawed my arm and her eyes fluttered briefly. My stomach dropped. Suddenly, a flurry of orderlies swarmed in and surrounded the bed in no time.

"You need to help her now!" I demanded.

They seemed to ignore me. Carlisle rushed into the room.

"Her airways are blocked!"

"Code blue!" he called. "Bring in the crash cart."

It arrived almost immediately.

"Johnson, the ambu-bag," he ordered

The one he'd indicated produced a blue plastic bag from the cart and began pumping it over Angel's face.

"It's not working!"

"Her blood pressure is dropping."

"Intubate," he barked, thrusting a catheter at another orderly. "Work fast. Her brain's not getting any oxygen."

She began to slide the tube down Angel's throat.

"Start her on ten grams of dopamine," he instructed a nurse.

I watched helplessly, wishing I could give her my lungs.

"Doctor, she's out!"

"BP is critically low."

"Keep going. Anaphylactic shock. I'm thinking it was the antibiotics. The dopamine will help, but let's get her on some epinephrine." Carlisle leaned closer, putting his ear to Angel's chest. "Wait, stop! Her left lung just collapsed. The problem's not in her trachea."

Angel's skin was quickly turning blue.

"We need to aspirate." Someone tossed him a syringe with a large needle.

"Stand back," Carlisle warned calmly. He pulled aside Angel's hospital gown and quickly stabbed the needle into the left side of her chest.

I winced. Almost immediately, Angel sucked in a lungful of air and began to choke.

"Angel, if you can hear me, just cough," Carlisle coached. "Cough it out, you'll be just fine."

She continued to cough, and slowly the color returned to her face. I let out the breath I'd been holding. As she spluttered and coughed, Carlisle smiled and helped her sit up. The tension began to seep out of my chest. Even in the face of high stress, Carlisle was so completely in his element in a hospital room. I'd never felt more thankful for that than that minute.

"Dr. Cullen, you'd better come look at this."

I frowned. Carlisle turned to inspect the issue, blocking my sight.

He swiveled abruptly. "Get her something to bite on, now!"

"She's crashing, her kidneys are failing!"

Before anyone could move, Angel cried out and began to shake.

"She's seizing!"

Her body bucked and convulsed violently. The IV needle was ripped out of her arm.

"Turn her on her side, let's get her into a gurney and over to the ICU."

They lifted her onto the stretcher and the whole team bustled out of the room. I followed them to the new room and ran inside.

"Going into V-fib, we need the paddles!"

"Carlisle, what's happening?" I screamed.

He looked at me. "Bella, you shouldn't be in here."

I looked at him in disbelief. "No. No! I can't go!"

He sighed, frustrated. "I'm sorry, but you need to leave _now_. That's an order," he demanded firmly.

For the first time, I realized that sometimes Carlisle was a doctor first, and a compassionate guardian second.

"No, Carlisle," I whispered, tears filling my eyes. "I'm not leaving her."

He was silent.

Without warning, Edward brushed in past me.

"Good. You're here," Carlisle said quietly.

"Alice saw. What can I do?"

A look passed between them that I didn't understand until Edward turned to me uncertainly.

"Is that the best idea?" he asked, frowning.

"Get her out of here," Carlisle breathed. Then he turned back to the nurses holding Angel on the stretcher. The hum of the defibrillator filled the room.

As Edward wrapped his arms around my waist, I shrieked, "No! What the fuck are you doing? Put me down! You don't understand, I need to be in there with her!"

"Bella, you don't need to be in there while they work, you'll be in the way," he muttered.

The sounds were muffled through the heavy metal doors, but I could still make them out perfectly.

"_Clear!"_

A thumping zap.

"_Clear!"_

Another loud thump.

"_Again!"_

I scraped and tore at his hands. "That's bullshit! Let me go, Edward, I have to get back in there. She needs my help!"

"And just what do you plan to do?" he yelled, turning me by my shoulders to face him. "Huh? How can _you_ help her?"

I stopped fighting. "Fuck you," I spit. His grip relaxed immediately, and I took the opportunity to run back to the room. "Let me in!" I knocked frantically on the windows.

"_Doctor, she's flat-lining!"_

"_Clear!"_

Thump.

"_Clear!"_

I pushed my ear up against the door.

"_Dr. Cullen, she's not respon– "_

"_Clear!"_

Thump.

"_C'mon, _clear_, dammit!"_

Thump. Thump. THUMP.

_Angel._

My heart jumped into my throat. Putting all my weight behind it, I kicked the doors and they slammed open.

_Angel._

As I entered, a high-pitched beep issued from the EKG.I looked around rabidly, my heart pounding so hard, it felt ready to explode. I pushed past the orderlies and nursing staff.

Angel's frail body was sprawled on the bed. She was dangerously pale, almost grey. I gasped involuntarily.

"Call it."

"Time of death…"

"No!" I screeched at the orderly who spoke. I ripped the stopwatch out of his hand and threw it across the room. They all watched with wide eyes.

"Bella…"

I began to hyperventilate. "No, Carlisle, you've got to keep trying."

"There's nothing more I can do." He looked tired.

"You can do it," I called to Edward. "Edward, you can help her, can't you? Do something."

He looked away. The room was deathly still.

"No," I whispered. I closed my eyes and shook my head firmly. "No. You can help her, I know you can. It's not too late."

I looked around, but no one volunteered.

"Why won't you help her?"

I glared at them all, but a tug at my heart pulled me to Angel's side. I leaned down to cradle her in my arms.

"Don't worry, Angel, it's okay," I whispered in a rush. "_I'll_ help you. I – I'm gonna fix you, and then you'll get better." My voice broke. "You'll be okay, everything's going to be fine. Just fine."

She was _so cold_ in my arms. I wrapped a blanket around her and dragged an arm across my watery eyes. Making sure she was tucked in tight, I laid her on the bed. Her wispy golden hair splayed out on the pillow, framing her small, still face like a halo. "I'll take care of you," I whispered. Trembling, I brushed a hand over her forehead and kissed her cheek.

"Are you satisfied?" I asked, whipping around. "Huh, is your work done here? Ready to call it a night?"

I turned to Edward. "And you. You make me _sick_," I hissed, approaching him. He didn't meet my eyes. "What's wrong with you? Why aren't you doing anything, you _know_ what she means to me!" I slapped my hands on his chest and shoved him hard. He staggered back a couple of steps, for my benefit, no doubt. "Huh? What's the problem? What's holding you back? Are you off duty, _Dr. Cullen_? Help her!" I shouted, tears spilling over my lids. He didn't flinch.

I lost control and began to pound my fists against his chest, each blow jarring the bones in my hand. "How dare you call yourself a doctor? You're fucking useless!" I pounded even harder, until my knuckles bled. "You're not even trying. Why won't you help her? Why?" I broke down, but continued pounding half-heartedly on his chest. Slowly, he put his hands over my angry fists and slid them down to his sides. I rested my head on his shoulder, losing my resolve. All I could feel was pain and exhaustion.

"I'm sorry, Bella. I'm sorry, I am so, so sorry," he murmured into my hair, his voice unsteady.

"You have to help her."

"I'm so sorry, Bella."

"Help..."

My knees buckled and I collapsed against him. The last thing I heard was the rolling of a gurney pass through the door.

* * *

_"Go ahead and burn it down_  
_I'm drunk and so is everyone else_  
_In this devil town_  
_They wont let me turn around_  
_To get one last look at my baby_  
_While she's still around,_  
_While she's still around..."_

3OH!3 - Still Around

* * *

**PART II:**

"You've been in here for five days."

"And I won't leave until she wakes up."

"Edward, you need to hunt."

"I'm fine."

"You're not being reasonable. I promise you, someone will be here when she wakes, there's really no need for you to –"

"Carlisle, she's moving."

A cool hand swept across my forehead, cheeks, neck. It didn't surprise me at all that I'd feel his touch before I was conscious of myself, of where in the hell my arms and legs were. My eyes opened to the walls of a brightly lit room. Edward sat on the edge of the bed and Carlisle stood at the nightstand, examining my movement. I blinked and tried to clear my head.

"Good eve…well, I suppose it's morning now," Carlisle said pleasantly. He smiled down at me, the lines of worry disappearing before I could comprehend it.

Edward didn't speak. His eyes were dark and unreadable.

"Where am I?" I murmured, my eyes flickering around the room.

"You're in room 213." Alice's spiky-haired head popped into the doorway. "St. Jude's, to be exact."

I huffed and tried to sit up. "The…the hospital? Why am I here? My head hurts…and all over. What the hell happened?"

Carlisle gently pushed me back down onto the pillow. "Bella, you're a little sick right now."

"Sick?"

"Hey, Bella's up!" Emmett appeared in the doorway beside Alice with a huge grin, followed closely by Jasper. "Wait a minute, were you two playing 'doctor'?" he asked, wiggling his eyebrows slyly. Jasper elbowed him in the ribs.

Carlisle shot him a reprimanding look, and then turned back to me. "You're going to be just fine, Bella. I believe that what's happening to your body is purely psychosomatic. All of your pent up stress and tension has sent your body into a hysteria, and it's beginning to manifest itself through physical symptoms. Yours is perhaps a little more severe than normal cases of word, but I think it's a safe bet to say that you're going to be okay."

"Well, that's always good news," Jasper said quietly.

"Wait…did you say hysteria?" I racked my brain. "Exactly what happened?"

Edward frowned just slightly.

Carlisle paused. "You don't…you don't remember _anything _that happened that night?"

I began to panic. "No…what's going on? How long have I been here?"

"Five days."

Edward swore and stood abruptly.

I looked at him. "What is it? What's happened?"

No one spoke.

"Please," I begged, my voice breaking, "if there's something wrong, I want to…"

_Angel._

Something big, something important scratched just at the edge of my memory. I furrowed my brows till thinking so hard began to hurt. "Is it…is it Angel? Where is she? What's happened to her? Where's Angel?" My panic rose as I took a survey of their faces, and realized I'd struck a chord.

_Angel._

No one moved. Eventually, Carlisle decided to step up. I'd never seen a more sorrowful expression taint anyone's face so absolutely, not even my own.

"Bella," Carlisle began slowly, "Last night was rough, and what happened was widely unexpected. It started with her lung collapsing. We found a tear in the tissue, but only after it was too late. Then Angel had a major seizure." My breath caught, and as he continued, the details came back to me in small bits. His voice became white noise and faded into the background.

"_We tried to aspirate, but pressure pushed her heart under cardiac arrest. We worked fast…the defibrillator brought her out of it…too strong…went into ventricular fibrillation…"_

Angel thrashing and tangling in the sheets. Carlisle stabbing the needle into her chest. The asystole. Miles and miles of catheters and wires. Her body bucking as a nurse hit her with the paddles. Edward holding me back. It all came flooding back.

"…we did everything we knew…I'm sorry, but she didn't make it."

There was a hollow ringing in my ears. I shook my head viciously and shut my eyes. "No. No. T-That can't…that's not possible, I was just with her, a-at the hospital, she was f-fine…and we – _she _promised...eating jello. Strawberry jello…"

Though an adamant, impenetrable silence filled the room, the ringing in my ears grew loud, louder, so loud that it felt as if my head was splitting open. I curled into myself and screamed into the pillow. The ringing stopped. For that single moment, it seemed, the world stood completely still, and I knew, though it killed me to admit it, that Angel was really and truly gone. I could feel it. The edges of reality seemed to bend and distort.

"_Bella"._

He reached into my onslaught, and pulled me, yet again from myself, his hand landing on my shoulder. I tried to shrug him off, but couldn't find the heart to. Instead, I clung to him when he climbed into the bed beside me, and shrunk from the panting and blubbering that I did not at first recognize to be my own. Despite my grief, it did not escape me that we were suddenly quite alone. I tried to focus on him through my tears. For the first time in a long time, he was not the most important thing on my mind.

"I'm so sorry about the way things turned out, Bella," Edward began bitterly. "I wish I could just erase all of this, just make everything alright for you, but there are some things even beyond _my _power."

"You were right," I spit. "Before, about…A-Angel. I mean, who was I to think I could be a mother?"

He sighed deeply, his eyes heavy with regret. "No Bella, that's not what I meant…I shouldn't have said that."

"Well, it's true," I muttered, sniffling. "How am I supposed to take care of a little girl when I can hardly take care of myself?"

Edward frowned, shaking his head. "Listen, Bella. You fought hard for her to stay alive. That means something."

"It means that I failed," I whimpered.

"It means you'd have done anything to save her, and if that's not a mother, then what is? It means that there was nothing you could've done to change what happened," he said firmly.

"Not enough," I cried, my face crumpling. "That's not enough."

He said nothing more. Eventually, his arms found their way around me. The thick blankets came between us making actual contact, and at that minute, I craved his touch.

"I'm so tired," I whispered shakily. "So tired of being sad, and tired of being tired."

Looking down at me, his eyes had never looked so lost, so helpless. "I don't know what to do about that," he breathed.

Exhaustion suddenly clouded my mind and everything became dreamlike.

"I don't want to be sad," I rasped. "Tired. I want to feel good. I want to feel okay." Struggling to keep my eyes open and locked on his, I hoped fiercely that he'd understand what I didn't have to say. The need for distraction aided my confidence, paired with the fact that I no longer knew if this was actually happening or not.

It was all a blur. We were holding, gripping, clutching at each other, and he covered my lips with his. Angel was still very much at the front of my mind, and the pain of loss even more so…but touch, feel…_that_ was real. Searching desperately for escape, I pushed myself further, digging my fingernails into his back until they bled. And just for a moment, just for a little while, I lost myself in him. It had never been very hard to do, after all.

Abruptly, Edward pulled away. "Bella, you need to rest," he panted, his voice strained. He moved to push himself off of the bed. Automatically, I clung to him as panic began rising in my chest.

"No! Don't go. I don't want to be alone," I begged frantically. "Stay with me…I _need_ you."

Edward didn't speak. He frowned, but his eyes held mine. I gulped. For a long moment, he sat this way. I began to fear the impact my words would have later, but then quickly decided that I didn't care. Finally, he relaxed and settled back into the bed. I let out a breath of relief and snuggled in close. Edward put his arms around me, and I closed my eyes. Fatigue hit me hard and my lids were too heavy to hold up. As I drifted out of consciousness, he whispered softly, "Where else am I going to go?" and kissed the top of my head.

* * *

Time warped and twisted into bouts of feverish, deep sleep permeated with bouts of hazy consciousness. The world lurched and spun until I was reduced to little more than sweat, pain, and vomit. I strained to remain conscious, but when the vivid memories of what had happened in the hospital flooded over me, I saw no point in resisting. Time passed. It passed as it usually did, and eventually I had to get up.

Slowly, I opened my eyes. A warning throbbed at my temples and my tongue felt huge and swollen in my mouth. Edward sat slumped in a wooden chair near the door, a white arm thrown lazily over his eyes, just as he'd been when I'd drifted off. As per usual, there was an unnatural stillness to him that had always unnerved me. If I hadn't known better, I might have thought he was asleep. The room was uncomfortably hot, which I assumed was for my benefit. It was as I quietly tried to free myself of the heavy covers that I realized how weak and tired my body truly was. I let my arms fall limp and struggled to catch my breath, blinking as the effort began to dizzy me. Eventually, my breathing fell back into a natural rhythm, though I still felt flushed. I looked up. Edward's eyes were on me, his features drawn in tension. Almost as if on cue, my throat suddenly felt painfully dry. I licked my lips.

Before I'd even thought of anything to say, I opened my mouth to speak, but only let out a sharp gasp as a bolt of pain shot through my abdomen. Edward, instantly at my side, pulled me up into a sitting position.

"Here," he said softly, bringing a cold glass of water to my lips. "You're just dehydrated."

I gulped gratefully from the cup. The water, though shockingly cold, was a relief to my parched, dry throat. The bottom of the glass came far too soon. I frowned.

A hint of a smile touched Edward's lips, but it was gone before I could respond. He set me gently back on the pillow. I looked up at him. A bead of sweat slid down my neck. Not meeting my eyes, he cautiously peeled the blankets away from my body.

"Thank you," I whispered hoarsely.

Finally, Edward met my eyes. Out of all the emotions flickering behind his dark irises, the one I recognized most was uncertainty. I swallowed, hard and my face warmed. From the pit of my stomach, I knew there was something I'd said or done, something that had happened between us that I'd probably regret if I could remember it. I pushed at the edges of my mind, searching for a clue, but it was as if everything after the hospital was completely blacked out. I shrunk inwardly from his probing gaze.

After a moment, he dropped his eyes and walked out of the room, leaving the door wide open. I stared shortly after him. Then, pushing up with my arms, I held myself up shakily. With all the strength I had left, I swung my legs over the bed where they dangled precariously on the edge. Lowering myself down, I slowly let go when my feet touched the carpet. Almost immediately, a rush of breath-stealing vertigo swept through me and I crashed to the floor. I groaned as my elbow connected with one of the bed's legs. The throbbing in my head grew more intense, making it hard to think. Before I could attempt to push myself off the ground, Edward gathered me into his arms and held me upright.

"You shouldn't have done that, Bella," he murmured, frowning. Despite my disorientation, I could feel the concern just beneath his disapproval. "Your body's nowhere near strong enough yet."

I leaned into his support, letting my stiff legs go limp. Edward set me back on the bed and gave me the new glass of water he'd brought up. This time, I drank slowly, my thirst already somewhat quenched. My stomach churned, as if wrestling between rejecting the water or not. I handed the cup back to Edward. Holding my eyes, he placed his hand over mine on the cup. Static sparked where our skin connected. He reached up to tuck a rogue tendril of hair behind my ear. It was almost a reflex. I blinked. He paused, as if his hand had moved of its own volition, but then slowly brushed his palm against my cheek. My body tensed and I found it extremely difficult to breathe. It made me nervous that the same touch that had once made my heart pound was now also what filled me with dread and apprehension. His face was faceted with a million different emotions and thoughts. Heat blazed where his fingertips trailed.

I shivered. "Thank you…for looking after me."

His brows furrowed. "I will _always _look after you, Bella."

My heart thumped, hard. "And I'm sorry for what I said in the hospital. I know you and Carlisle did everything you could. It was wrong of me to accuse you of not trying, I shouldn't have."

Edward shook his head. "No, you were scared and in shock. It was a long night. No one was prepared for what happened."

Like clockwork, my mind flashed back to that night. The images that I knew would be with me forever…_Angel thrashing on the bed_…_Carlisle pumping her chest_…_the heart monitor flat-lining_. I grimaced and shut my eyes tight, trying to stop the flood of unwanted reminders of what I'd lost. I swallowed hard and fought to ignore the ache inside that pulsed like a second heart. This feeling was inevitable, I knew, but that knowledge didn't make it any less difficult. Despite willing against it, a few tears escaped and hung on my lashes.

The hairs on my neck stood straight when Edward's cool palms cupped either side of my face, and though I felt it coming, my heart still jumped when his lips found mine. This feeling, it was like a drug, how I tried to resist, but it'd never really felt like the choice was mine. Getting lost in him was something I'd lost my say in a long time ago. Finally, his hands clutching my knees, he pulled back, and of course, I wasn't quite ready for him to stop. Edward's eyes held me with an ethereal shine, despite being so black, and a light smile played at his lips. I felt butterflies. Big, jittery ones.

"Um…Edward," I began nervously. "I don't know…I can't really remember much, but anything I might've said…or done, or both last night…well, you should probably disregard all of it. I mean…I wasn't very coherent, and I probably said some confusing things, and…if you could just…you know…forget…"

Almost immediately, the light in his dark eyes went out, and an icy glaze frosted over his face. He looked away and took several steps back.

"Of course."

I held my breath. "Edward…"

Turning his back, he walked to the door. "I need to hunt."

And then he left.

I cursed and thought, _Don't you ever get tired of walking away from me?_

* * *

On the day I finally left the hospital, my body was feeling a lot stronger. Carlisle gave me some last-minute tips on getting enough rest and staying hydrated whilst checking my general systems. I nodded and agreed to take things easy for a while. After this, offered to collect my things, but Edward was already there. I walked to the door and closed it softly behind me.

"How do you feel?" he looked at me, but didn't meet my eyes.

"Okay," I replied tentatively.

Edward's eyes darkened quickly and he looked at the door. I felt nauseous. It was obvious that he wasn't pleased with whatever he was hearing. I'd thought I would be afforded a little more time to tell him myself, but from the way his face changed, I realized that Carlisle had wasted no time to make the arrangements. He wouldn't take it well, being the last to know.

"What's going on?"

I hesitated. "I'm going away."

"What?" he demanded in a low whisper.

"I'm going back to Forks," I clarified.

"No." He shook his head and furrowed his brows, as if having trouble understanding what this meant. "What about your job?"

"I quit," I said quietly, looking down at my hands.

"Bella, you can't just pack up and leave. Do you really think now's the best time to – "

"I wasn't asking your permission." I looked up at him firmly and said, "I'm going to Forks."

"What are you running from, Bella?" he asked scornfully, "Because I'll still be right here when you get back."

"I'm not running from anything," I mumbled. "Not anymore, at least. Forks is where I need to be right now. It's time."

He glared at me for what felt like hours. "So you're leaving? Just like that." His voice was hard, and desperate.

I gave an exasperated breath. "Edward, I've just lost _everything_ that was ever really important to me...again. And I woke up this morning and realized that I've been lying to myself for a long time. I'm nowhere near where I thought I'd be six years ago. What else is there to do but go back to the beginning, where it all started? Can you see how that might make sense to me?"

He shut his eyes tightly and seemed to shudder.

"This isn't what I wanted for myself," I whispered sadly.

His jaw twitched. "Are you coming back?"

"I don't know. Maybe in Forks, with my family and my friends, I'll realize that nothing's really as bad as it seems and I'll come back. Or maybe I won't, and I'll stay there for the as long as I need to. I honestly don't know," I looked at him nervously.

He didn't speak.

I began grasping for straws. "There's no way around it, Edward. I'm going. But I don't want to leave with you angry at me."

"You could still have me."

"What?"

"You haven't lost _everything_," he said.

"Edward…" I began.

"And us?" His eyes burned. "Is this how we're going to leave things?"

I bit my lip. "I have other things to sort out."

His shoulders slumped. "Do you really…_really_ have to leave?" he uttered despairingly. Telling him just as difficult as I'd feared, and I quickly regretted the decision.

"Don't look for me while I'm gone," I murmured, quite unable to meet his eyes.

We were quiet a long time. Eventually Edward sighed warily. "You know I won't stop you. And I'll give you all the time in the world, if that's what you need…as long as I know you won't just disappear."

I nodded mutely. He stepped closer and cupped my cheek. "I hope you'll still think about me. And I hope that when you do, they're warm thoughts." He tilted my chin, and then our lips crushed together and I wanted him all over again. It was so frustratingly tempting, how I couldn't stop it even if I tried. I wanted to take back everything I'd said and just _be _with him…but life simply didn't work that way. We separated and he let out a long, jagged breath. He dropped his hand and stepped back. His eyes grew far away and he seemed to separate himself completely from the situation alarmingly fast.

"Goodbye, Edward."

He nodded, and lifting the bags of my clothing Alice had brought, left the room, but not so quickly that I couldn't follow. We made it through the hospital in silence. The rest of the Cullens stood in the waiting room to wish me well and watch my departure. Carlisle checked me out at the reception desk. I turned to Edward, and blinked when I almost ran into his back. Gently, I laid a hand on his shoulder.

"Thank you," I said quietly, hoping he'd turn to face me.

He didn't.

I frowned sadly. "Listen, Edward, I don't want you to be upset with me…" I whispered, though it was barely audible. It was a long time before he replied. And then:

"Your cab's here."

I dropped my hand disappointedly and watched as he left to pack my stuff into the boot. After he'd finished, I grabbed his hand and made him face me. His eyes seemed to flicker, but it was gone before I could react.

"Edward, please," I mumbled, trying to solicit some sort of response from him.

His eyes, still distant, lingered on our touching hands, and to my slight relief, reached up to connect with mine. He swallowed, and breathed, "Take care of yourself."

I nodded and got into the cab. I gave the driver my address. For a brief moment, when we pulled up in front of my apartment, I wondered what the hell was going on. Once inside, I pushed the door shut behind me and stopped. I looked around. The living room was so bare, and I hadn't even started packing yet. It was hard to imagine anyone living in a place so bleak and empty. Why hadn't I noticed it before? Perhaps I'd never meant to stay in New Jersey long. I slowly walked over to the couch and plopped down. The white walls glared back at me, demanding the truth. _What am I doing?_

* * *

Three days later, I attended Angel's funeral. The Cullens were there, along with some of the hospital staff who'd cared for her, including Dr. Sherridan. It was a small, miserable gathering, no more than twenty in all. If it weren't for the setting, I might've laughed at the way they avoided meeting my eyes. If it weren't for the setting, someone might've had the courage to say 'I told you so'. After reading the usual passages, the priest looked up solemnly and asked if anyone would like to spare a few words. I had nothing to say, at least not to anyone that would still hear it.

Shortly after this, the burial began. Most of the small crowd began to peter out, except the Cullens, who stayed to offer their condolences and hospitality. Edward said nothing, and that was the most I remembered. Eventually, they left, and I stood alone at the fresh mound of dirt and laid a bouquet of yellow flowers on top of it. Roses. As I stood empty handed, the first tear slipped down. It was followed by several more, and some sniffles, too. Coloring in the playroom. Walking by the pier. Leaning over the railing of the ferryboat as the sun set over the Atlantic horizon. Strawberry jello kisses.

It was a while before I noticed the cold, ivory hand in mine. Speckles of sunlight shone softly, bouncing off the facets in his skin. With my free hand, I shielded my eyes, and absently wished I'd thought to bring a pair of sunglasses.

The sun had never shined so brightly as on the day we buried an angel.

* * *

I pulled a bottle of aspirin from the medicine cabinet and shook one out. After taking it, I leaned against the counter until my head was clear. Remembering where I was supposed to be, I pushed off and strolled back to the living room to find my car keys. Minutes later, I located them on the coffee table next to the ominous plane tickets. The doorbell rang. My breath caught. I stepped forward and opened the door.

Edward stood behind it, eyes closed, his hand poised to ring the bell again. Despite all my efforts, my mind went blank, and then our fight in the snow rushed back to me. I blushed, recalling everything that'd happened between us lately, especially at the hospital. My neck and face felt hot. Finally, he opened his eyes. I looked down, but not before I saw the softness in them. Slowly, I backed away from the door, and tried to look at anything but him.

"Can I come in?" he asked lightly.

_Of course_. "…Yes."

Edward stepped into the room, my living room, so familiar to me and filled with things I'd picked out myself, and yet the second he was inside, the air seemed to shift and everything changed. He surveyed me from the threshold, took in my messy bun, my flushed, sweaty face, and my sure to be sickly complexion. There was something in the way he held my eyes, something tangible in the distance between us that I knew we were both glaringly aware of. He paused, taking in the large boxes stacked in my otherwise bare living room, and then Edward closed the door behind him with a purposeful, almost painful slowness.

"How do you feel?" he asked.

"Like I don't really know what I'm doing," I replied, attempting a weak smile. "Forks is just small enough for everyone I know to watch me fall." He regarded me with thoughtful eyes and my skin began to itch.

"What are you doing here?" I finally asked nervously.

"Well," he began, "I came to say goodbye…again." He waited to see if I'd speak, but I let him continue. "But I also came to say that I'm sorry about everything. There are so many things I've done wrong, so many stupid mistakes, that I don't even know where to begin. I will never be able to forgive myself for everything I put you through. I know that no matter how many times I say I'm sorry, it won't mean anything to you, but I think this is a good place to start. Despite everything, it's always been about you. I thought I had your best interests at heart, and I was wrong, but I never meant to hurt you. I wanted to give you everything I could never have. I tried to save you from myself. You were just so beautiful and perfect the way you were that I couldn't stand the thought of changing anything about you, I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I had. But in doing so, I only made things worse. I can only hope that one day, I might earn your love and be worthy of your attention."

He finished and stood anxiously, anticipating my reply. I put my face in my hands and totally bawled, blubbering and sniffling to the point where it was almost obnoxious. Edward moved closer and laid a hand on my arm, unsure of how to proceed. I wished so violently that I was younger because it would have been so much easier. If he'd returned when I was still eighteen, before all of those terrible things that scarred my past had happened, I knew without a doubt that I would've run directly back into his arms. He would've held me and kissed me and I'd laugh and smile and maybe even cry a little while saying how happy I was that he was back and we would have been together forever. That was the Bella I wanted to be, but not who I was now, because I _wasn't_ younger. The Bella I was now was old and wise, yet still impossibly clueless. My heart had grown more reluctant to forgive, and I'd learned to live without Edward. In result, the change had served to make me stronger than I'd realized, and also independent. I'd _had_ to change, because the only alternative had been to wallow and waste away in my own despair. This new Bella could no longer be melted by words, persuaded by soft caresses…or moved by heartfelt apologies. I wiped my eyes, took a deep breath and looked up at him carefully, knowing that everything we were about to say would change us forever.

"Say something," Edward said apprehensively. I'd never seen him so vulnerable.

"What am I supposed to say?" I asked softly.

"What's on your mind," he replied.

"I don't know what to think."

He sighed. "I understand. There's a lot to think about, and you need time."

"It's been six years," I said, looking away. "Time doesn't solve anything."

He frowned, but said nothing.

"What do you want to hear, Edward?" I asked. "Are you asking for my forgiveness?"

He shrugged helplessly.

It was my turn to sigh. "I want to. I really do. I wish I could just forgive you because that seems to be the next appropriate move, and maybe I already have…but what if I can't? Or if it's irrelevant? What if anything that might've ever been between us is past?"

Edward looked at me. "Bella, I've been around a long time. I've seen a lot of things, enough to know that love can overcome almost anything." He paused. "I believe that. If I love you…and you could still find it in your heart to love me…"

"You know I do."

"Then," he continued, "maybe someday we can move past this."

We'd yelled and screamed at each other and said things we didn't mean, words that stabbed like ice and fell between us like a rain of arrows. I recalled vaguely the time Charlie had forced me to see the school counselor. A lumpy, unfeeling mass of a woman, her mantra had been '_forgiveness is the key_'. How anyone ever hoped to gain insight from something so hollow was a mystery to me. The idea was that I had to forgive Edward if I wanted to move on and get over my 'depression'. What went beyond her hopelessly textbook method was that I'd already forgiven him, even if _I _didn't know it yet. Edward had left his mark on me, as indelible as any tattoo, and it didn't matter if he was right beside me, or a thousand miles away, I'd carry him with me forever. However, no matter how much I thought we'd loved each other, he had still broken promises and left. Betrayal was a stone beneath the mattress of a bed we might've once shared, something we'd feel digging into us no matter how we shifted position. Whether we liked it or not, it would always be there. What was the point of being able to forgive, when deep down, we both had to admit we'd never forget?

I shook my head. "It's not that simple."

"It can be, if you let it. The only thing stopping us…is us."

"You just don't understand," I disagreed.

"What don't I understand?" Edward demanded, frustrated. "What's missing? I know…I know I've got a lot to make up for, and that will take a while, but I will figure this out."

What words would suffice to spell out the mysteries of my heart and mind? How could I possibly explain to him that though he was forgiven, it would take me a long time before I could restore my faith in him again? That on top of everything, I was scared shitless of jumping back into a something that had been so dangerously addictive to me, not to mention detrimental to my mental health?

"I'm not looking for an answer. I don't think there is one." I hesitated to gather what I wanted to say. "A relationship is built on a lot of things. Trust, respect, love and much more. I thought we had all of those things, but I was wrong. You allowed me to believe that you'd always be around, but then you left. I understand you did it for me, but saying you meant well doesn't mean anything." I paused. "When I think about it, about how you left me so suddenly and how it changed everything…it's so easy for me to hate you for it. And that scares me, because you were one of the only things in my life that I relied on to stay constant, to always be there. I trusted you. When you promised me forever, I believed you. I believed every word that came out of your mouth and you used that against me. You were the _last_ person I ever thought would hurt me!" I said firmly, trying not to be angry. My hands shook. I closed my eyes and blew out shaky breath. "I don't know if I can ever be with you in that way again, not after everything we've been through."

Edward's eyes grew sad and weary. I found another point to focus my eyes on, a notch in the leg of my coffee table.

"I have become this self-absorbed, introverted workaholic with 'trust issues' and anxiety attacks. That was never what I wanted to be. I don't even like my job!" I laughed bitterly. "I became selfish. I got caught up in the tragedy of my own life, so much so that I couldn't be there for the people I cared about when they needed me, when they were going through the same things. I won't blame you for it. It wasn't fair to them, and it's not fair to you. I take full responsibility for that."

"But if I have a hard time trusting myself, how am I supposed to be able to trust you?" I continued. "It's not just about us anymore. There are so many other people involved now, so many people who would be so disappointed and angry if I decided to be with you again, people whose lives would be affected if we chose to get back together. You might have a lot to gain from it, but I'd be losing a lot." I thought of Leah, Charlie, Renee, and Sam. I thought of Jacob. "When I was eighteen, I was so sure of everything in my life, so content in the certainty that we'd always be together….and then you left, and I realized that I knew nothing. You leaving…it was like an education. I've changed. Whether it's for better or for worse, I don't know. But I just can't bring myself to truly, fully love you without reservations right now."

Almost unconsciously, Edward stepped closer. "All this could have been avoided…I never should have left," he mused, as if detached from the situation.

"Maybe you were right for leaving," I said sorely. "You're a vampire, you're strong and beautiful, and I'm just a human, I don't belong in your world. Being in love shouldn't hurt this much, and…and maybe it wouldn't if we weren't so different. Maybe it hurts so much because a couple like us surviving is impossible and we're wasting our time trying."

Edward's eyes snapped back up to me. "Yes, that's true Bella, we're different. There has never been a couple like us in this world," he said in a rush, "but if you think we're wasting our time now, that means all the time we spent together in Forks was wasted as well. If anyone can pull through something like this, we can! We made it work once before."

"I was young, and impulsive. I idolized you far too much. I let myself become complacent and oblivious, and we let things get intense so fast."

"Bella…look at me," Edward reached out and cupped my face in his hands softly, bringing our foreheads to touch. Reluctantly, I dragged my eyes up to meet his.

He kissed me softly. I winced, but closed my eyes, and he kissed me again. Over and over again, and as if there was no other choice, I surrendered.

Edward pulled back slowly and looked at me, his eyes murky pools of desperation. "If what you say is true, then why is it that every time our lips touch, every time I kiss you, why does it still feel like maybe anything is possible and I wouldn't know what to do with myself if I lost you? How is it that, right now, I would sacrifice everything if it meant that we'd be back to the way things were? If there's not anything between us anymore?"

I sniffed, squeezing my eyes shut. My stomach began to stitch and twist.

"I am in love with you, Isabella Swan, and I'll never want to be anywhere else but where you are. You can't tell me that this isn't what you want!"

"No…I don't want it…"

"You don't want this? Then what do you want?" he demanded, raising his voice.

"I-I want to go home…I want…" I mumbled, trying to think straight.

"Tell me what you want!"

"I want Charlie and Jacob and Leah…and Seth…"

"What do you want, Bella?"

"I-I…I don't know what…" I sobbed quietly.

"You're not telling me what you want!"

"…I don't know what I want…"

"What…do you really want?" he growled.

"_I don't know_."

He stopped, looked at me and dropped his hands slowly. The admission was almost as excruciating as realizing that it was completely true. "I don't know…I don't know what I want…" I murmured weakly, and let out a sharp cry as the pain peaked.

"Bella, what is it?" Edward shouted. I looked up at him in guilt, then sucked in a breath and doubled over. He leapt forward and caught me. My lips trembled and I clutched at my abdomen, taking deep, haggard breaths. Edward wiped away the tears falling freely with his thumbs.

"What's happening? What do you feel?" he asked frantically, eyeing my hands clenched over my stomach. Searing heat seemed to stab and shoot from my core, impairing my ability to speak. Tears swam to the surface once again as I tried to breathe. Edward took my face in his hands again and tried to hold my gaze. Almost as quickly as it had come, the pain subsided and I attempted to straighten myself.

"Bella…" he tried again helplessly.

"It's okay," I panted, still leaning against him. "Don't worry about me, I'm fine."

"You're not fine," he replied softly, holding me up. "You're in pain."

I shook my head slowly. "It's my fault. I…I haven't been drinking enough water."

"Bella, you have to take better care of yourself," Edward frowned. "I don't want to loose you for good."

"Maybe you should leave," I said hoarsely.

His features rippled through several emotions, but there was nothing there that I didn't feel in my own heart.

"Bella…" he began brokenly.

I knew so well what he had to be going through. It was as if my perspective had suddenly shifted and I understood exactly where his reasoning came from. It was like denying yourself of something for so long in fear of being inadequate, only to have the very thing, the _only_ thing you wanted the most reject you and confirm that you were just not enough. This unexpected insight only made it all the more difficult to stick with what I was about to do.

"Edward, it just can't work," I stated, trying to keep my voice steady.

His eyes locked onto mine in agony. "You can't know that."

I shifted my weight away from his support and back on my own two legs. He seemed to panic for the loss of contact, looking at me expectantly.

I ran a hand through my hair. "Okay," I said, more calmly than I'd thought myself able. "Every time I see you, I feel myself light up. Even though I know we'll fight more often than talk and laugh, I can't help but want, no – _need_ – to be close to you. It's like a weakness, or a vice, and it's unhealthy. You're not good for me." I sniffled. "You know, it took me a while to build my new life here, this façade of normalcy. It's not perfect, but I get along. Now, you've been here, what, a few months, and everything is already unraveling, and there isn't much I can do about it."

He didn't move, but I caught his irises darkening.

"And," I went on, trembling, "when we touch…or, or even kiss…my stomach twists and I don't really want to do it, but I do anyway, because a smaller part of me still wants to. It's starting to feel like an obligation, kissing you…like it's something that I owe to you. It shouldn't have to feel that way." I held his eyes. "Edward, I cannot be with you. Not like this."

"Bella," Edward interrupted almost jumpily. I realized that he was making one final attempt to change my mind. "When I left you, I fully intended on staying out of your life for as long as you lived. If I'd thought there was a small possibility, _any chance at all_ that I'd see you again…I wouldn't have ended it." He paused and looked at me imploringly, as if trying to emphasize the significance of this. "Now, you know I've never bought into the idea of…_fate_, or – or destiny, or coincidence…but here you are. How is it that, somehow, after all this time…we've found each other here?" He took my hand. "Wherever _here _is."

I looked down at my hand in his. For all its marble whiteness, I didn't feel the coolness that always seemed to emanate from him. In that moment, I understood with faint dismay that he was just as human and just as breakable as I was. Nothing at all like the phenomenally extraordinary being I'd made him out to be. With an aching start, I knew what had to be done.

"Here?" I closed my eyes. "Here…I believe it's called an _impasse_." It surprised me how powerfully devastating that line could still be after all this time. A long, long minute passed. After hearing nothing, I opened my eyes cautiously. Edward's hands had dropped back to his side and he cast his eyes away. After an even longer moment, he looked up, and I could see it. It was so agonizingly, torturously, painfully clear. He was giving up.

"I fucked up," Edward chuckled humorlessly, pain and despair marring his entire disposition. "I _really_ fucked up."

The next few minutes were hazy and barely made sense to me. I hardly understood how it happened, but we ended up holding each other, and the thought of what was about to happen suddenly seemed so unbearable.

He stumbled forward and I somewhat caught him. Though his frame towered over me, he slumped against me and I held him, supported him. Edward moaned and my throat closed up because I knew it was the sound of his heart breaking, a sound that I was already familiar with, but for once it was my turn to be the strong one. I knew this would be the hardest thing I'd ever do, and hurriedly whispered words of comfort into his ear, but it didn't seem to help. His hands clutched at my back, and he held on for dear life, as if in fear of drowning. He emitted another low, heart-wrenching moan and it was my name. I shuddered in response and held him tighter, trying to absorb some of his pain. I stroked his hair and kissed his pale cheek.

Slowly, he moved his head to align it with mine, and with anguish staining his features, looked painfully into my eyes and murmured my name again. Feeling the growing guilt, I looked down at his lips and it was as if pure reflex took over. He leaned closer and our lips crushed together in an agonizingly bittersweet, painful, desperate kiss. It was nothing like I'd ever felt before. We melded together and it was almost as if he was leaving me with part of himself, imprinting me with his very soul and everything he felt, his pain, sorrow, want, loss, guilt, regret, and above all, love. Without warning, his lips grew more demanding, seeking a strength in me that I willfully returned. I gave myself to him and the kiss transformed into something I knew I'd never experience the likes of again.

And yet it wasn't enough. It would never be enough. I pulled away with tears in my eyes. "Go," I whispered, and turned away. My heart thumped. I didn't hear a sound, but I knew quite suddenly that I was very, very alone.

* * *

_"Lately I've been hard to reach_  
_I've been too long on my own_  
_Everybody has a private world_  
_Where they can be alone_  
_Are you calling me?_  
_Are you trying to get through?_  
_Are you reaching out for me?_  
_I'm reaching out for you..."_

Eminem - Beautiful

* * *

**Well that's that. The story should be ending rather quickly, no more than two chapters after this, I expect. PLEASE REVIEW!**

**Oh yeah. Did anyone spot the movie reference here? The last two lines that Leah and Bella say to each other are from a classic film, and if anyone can guess which one, they'll get to add something to the story. No major plot twists, though, sorry.**

**ANITA.**


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